Your Friends Are Pulling You To BOTTOM. Or The Crab Bucket Phenomenon

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"People who cannot do something will assure you that it will not work out for you either."

The Pursuit of Happyness

A typical situation - a person dreams of changing his life for the better and works hard for this, he is hungry for success. And those around him, on the contrary, are sure of his failure and in every possible way put sticks in the wheels. Each of us has once faced a similar one. And the most unpleasant thing is that you get kicks not only from ill-wishers, but also from loved ones. The latter, it would seem, are needed for support and support in difficult life situations, but they give quite the opposite. Well, this allows us to draw conclusions about the thinking of such people, in time to abandon their environment. After all, “with whom you lead, from that you will gain”, and if we are constantly in an atmosphere where depression reigns, we inevitably become infected with such a worldview.

“If I could not - then you can’t do it either” - the person who questions the possibility of your success is convinced of this. Therefore, seeing his attempts, it is better to refuse such a company. Communication should lead to mutual growth and development, and not consist of attempts at humiliation and demotivation.

So why does our inner circle often not support, but, on the contrary, prevent us from achieving our goals? This question is answered by crab bucket theory.

This theory describes the situation that occurs with caught and planted crabs in a bucket. When one of them makes an attempt to get out of the container, the other crabs cling to the "fugitive", thereby preventing his release. Everyone pursues a selfish goal - to get out, and does not give comrades freedom of movement. Everyone just interferes with each other and remains in the bucket. Moreover, if there is only one crab, then it is freed without difficulty. From this, the conclusion is that for various reasons, our environment does not contribute, but hinders our success.

Unfortunately, such a psychology is firmly entrenched in our society, has acquired expression even in folk art. The phraseologisms “The dog lies in the hay, does not eat itself and does not give to others”, “Neither ours nor yours,” “And I myself will not talk, and I will not give to another” demonstrate how common the mentality of the crab is among our fellow citizens.

As another illustration, consider a typical life situation. Let's say that you have a bad habit - smoking, and you have a company of bosom friends - smokers. And now, an insight descended on you, and you decided with full confidence to “quit”. What do you think will be the reaction of your loved ones, who have always helped you in critical moments? Will they really start to cheer you up, motivate you in every possible way, be confident in your success? Unfortunately, this is ideal and rarely seen in reality. Most likely, your comrades will not fail to hesitate, banter and phrases from the category “in a couple of weeks will smoke again”.

And this will not happen because they do not love you or openly wish you harm. It makes no sense to be offended by them, because they let go of such phrases under the guidance of emotions, not reason, they are not aware of their behavior. So keep bending your line and you will see how their attitude changes. The veil of their envy and doubts will subside, and you will again see good old friends in front of you. And if not, then you will probably already understand that you do not need such people.

But let's look at the situation from the perspective of an imaginary friend who doubts your success. What emotions will he experience after your announcement that you are quitting smoking? If he does not have a high level of psychological literacy and awareness, then he will perceive your attempt as a threat to his self-esteem. After all, he could not give up his addiction, and then you appear, all so confident and positive. Of course, your friend will immediately feel humiliated, weak-willed, and his image of himself as a good person shakes. He will be trapped in positive thinking (each of us thinks positively of himself, regardless of his shortcomings), and his psyche activates protective mechanisms - rationalization and self-deception, which will justify even the most stupid reactions and actions.

After all if i'm good (action of positive thinking), then how can I accept that I may not live like this?”. To illustrate - frankly fat ladies rarely consider themselves ugly, they come up with various excuses for their laziness and gluttony (“I’m beautiful inside, not outside”; “I learned to accept myself as I am,” etc.). An example from history: During the Inquisition, when heretics were persecuted, the only way to avoid execution was to deny God. Standing on the chopping block, those sentenced to murder still did not betray their faith, as this would destroy their psyche. Positive thinking turned out to be more important than life! “After all, if I sacredly believed in God all my life, and now I renounce him, then my whole being turns out to be meaningless. No, I can’t refuse it”- about such words flashed through the head of those unfortunate people.

It turns out that your smoker friend also perceives your constructive desire as a threat to his self-image (as a good and positive person). To better reflect what is happening in his unconscious, let's build an imaginary internal dialogue:

Smoker: I can not quit smoking. I’m probably a weak-willed loser.”

Unconscious (protects the integrity of the psyche): “No, you're not a loser. Millions of people around also cannot quit smoking. And your friend can't."

Smoker: "And I think he can."

Unconscious: “Look, if he does it, then you will feel bad for what he could, but you will not. Do you wanna feel like nothing? You'd better tell him that he won't succeed either, and you will feel better right away."

Smoker: “Okay, I'll say it. It really makes me feel better.”

Thus, the attacks of our loved ones are only a defensive reaction of their psyche, which is trying to maintain an established image of themselves. After all, even from a hypothetical assumption of the possibility of your success, worms of doubt will immediately stir inside them - “If he is doing this now, then why couldn't I?”. It turns out that their self-esteem and positive self-image will not correspond to real achievements. There will be a phenomenon that psychologists call cognitive dissonance. In fact, this is an internal conflict that causes unpleasant emotions and psychological pain in a person. Man, on the other hand, is a being who strives for pleasure, away from pain. Therefore, he tries in every possible way to avoid the state of cognitive dissonance, and the psyche resorts to the help of protective mechanisms.

So if in your life someone throws mud at you, do not take it personally, but feel free to pass by such individuals. Most likely, these are not “your people”, but envious people and losers who themselves have not achieved anything. Remember about mirroring principle - when people say bad things about you, they see themselves in you, as if they are looking in a mirror.