2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The narcissist has two selves, one grandiose self and one insignificant self, two poles of the same process. When I studied at MIGIP, we jokingly called our study group "The Order of the Bucket and the Crown", because the daffodil alternately puts on a bucket of slops or a crown.
These poles are also alternately not realized. Both of them are ways of satisfying some needs. Basically, this is the need to control others, so that these others satisfy my needs, that is, in a grandiose "I" - they do not attack, do not expect anything from me, do not control me, praise me, in an insignificant "I" they feel sorry for me, made decisions for me, helped me. If that doesn't work, the narcissist reverses pole.
So, depression occurs when all this does not work, no one is being led, no praise, no regrets, everyone fled. And in another way, the narcissist does not know how to satisfy his needs, does not know how to ask, does not know how to love, that is, to make a "take and give" exchange. The needs inside and remain, more and more declaring their dissatisfaction, and in order to support himself, the narcissist either tries to achieve some achievements in order to get into the grandiose self, or begins to accuse others of not loving him, falling into the insignificant " I". And the run continues in a circle.
It is dangerous for a narcissist to ask someone for something or to love someone, there is a risk of becoming addicted, remaining vulnerable to the power of another person. I must say, an illusory power, because the experience of unsafe addiction emerges from childhood, despite age, and is transferred to the present. Therefore, the narcissist, in order not to be controlled, begins to control others, to set the conditions under which he can be loved. Demand proof, etc. But the trouble is that he chooses exactly the same partners for himself, simply because he is used to just such a model of relations, and if he does not come across a narcissist, then he begins to provoke him to the appropriate role, that is, he begins to ask himself, so that he would be answered with aggression and thereby confirm his picture of the world. As a result, he is left alone again when the partner gets tired of playing this game.
Another phenomenon of partner choice is projection. The narcissist usually chooses a partner when he is in the red, he needs him to build himself up to a plus. A partner is selected by projection, when his own grandiose self is not realized and is projected onto a partner who is comfortable because he is beautiful or successful. First, the narcissist adapts to such a partner, then begins to suffer from his insignificance even more and starts a war, humiliating his partner. If the partner is also a narcissist, they switch places. In a grandiose "I" it is very convenient to have an "insignificant" partner, you can project your minus pole onto it without meeting your own. And so they can live for quite a long time, changing places. If the partner is not a narcissist, then he is offended and leaves. Or if the narcissistic partner does recover with therapy, then he also leaves.
First of all, we can talk about healing when, being alone, a person does not suffer from it, does not fall into the depression of "insignificance" and can be spontaneous, uncontrollable in relations with other people, and also does not suffer from the fear of dependence on another person …
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