Accept Cannot Be Changed

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The absence of a comma in the title is not a mistake. I am writing my reflections on what and when to take, and when to change and what it depends on. If something does not suit you, and you are faced with a choice: accept the situation, adapt or try to influence the outside world, then this article is for you.

I think there are 2 main strategies of behavior in a situation when something does not suit you and the question is: to accept or to fight? I will describe them:

Strategy 1. Acceptance of the situation … "If something does not suit you, change your attitude towards it." Or such an Eastern Buddhist position "change yourself, and the world will change with you." With this approach, everything that annoys a person is seen as an excuse to look at yourself, find the reasons for anger in yourself, assimilate the experience and continue a quiet life until the next source of irritation. A good, slow, meditative approach for those who have a lot of inner resources, time and a thirst for reflection.

Recently, he is very popular, with such quotes dazzling social networks and the Internet. For a long time, I myself adhered to exactly this view: that it is much easier, more civilized and safer to change myself than to try to influence the outside world.

Well, the truth is, if a saleswoman in a store shouts at me that I took a product with an unreadable barcode, then you should not be like her, shouting back, but accept her anger, remember that I, too, sometimes, in a bad mood, I can explode in my hearts, that people are imperfect. Smile knowingly at her and encourage her with a kind word.

It's normal if the moment someone yells at you, you really don't feel angry or frightened. But if emotions overwhelm and resentment grows, then in this case, it will be extremely difficult to accept the situation, since you feel that your boundaries are grossly violated, and important needs are frustrated. The psyche senses danger, sends impulses to muscles and organs, preparing you for defense or retaliatory attack! And you are trying to smile and say something soothing at the moment when everything inside you is bubbling, i.e. you give out behavior that is incongruent and inappropriate to the situation from the point of view of the body … He won't thank you for that. As a result, you are disoriented, tired, "broken" from a trifling conflict.

In response to this, I often meet with the opinion: “What can you do here? Such a person / circumstances / country / Earth / Universe. It's true. Only all this is also the result of our action or inaction. By choosing the path of accepting what we don't like, we give tacit consent for what happens to happen. Perhaps, if I do not answer the boor in his own manner, then the people around me will feel that they are boorish, they are doing something wrong. Or maybe they will not feel it, but on the contrary they will regard it as permissiveness.

And if the way of accepting the situation does not work, there is another strategy.

Strategy 2. Changing the situation

This is such an active life position, which is more characteristic of the Western world, aimed at action and changing what you don't like. Why put up with something that does not suit you, if you can somehow influence the situation?

Not only reflection and the ability to cope with our feelings ourselves makes us human, but also the ability to adequately express our feelings and reactions, convey them to others and offer an alternative to other behavior. Feedback is very important for the personal development of a person, it is she who forms the boundaries of what is permissible in the child and makes it clear where he has the opportunity to influence the situation, and where not. And adults sometimes need to be shown where they cross the boundaries. Sometimes a person, immersed in his inner world and experiences, simply cannot appreciate how others perceive his behavior. In this case, you can try at least to voice how you react to his actions. Without pretending that it will change anything, you are simultaneously expressing your emotions and trying to influence what you do not like. Either way, you tried it, it might make it easier.

If we go back to our angry saleswoman, the statement that she is yelling at you and you don’t like it may have an effect, and she may stop and even apologize. But will it make me feel better, or will the sediment remain? I don’t know, it all depends on the situation and many factors. And in this uncertainty, relying on your sensitivity will help you make a decision.

Strategy for choosing a strategy. Feeling the situation

It happens that a person chooses one of the strategies during his life: either he tries to accept most situations, or he tries to change them. In both the first and second cases, he suffers from this, because he acts according to the template, as he used to, without figuring out whether this method is suitable in this particular case. What helps to navigate the situation and choose the most appropriate line of behavior without rushing to extremes? It is clear and understandable that it is necessary to act according to the situation, but this commonplace is as well-known as it is useless. I was thinking how to briefly and clearly answer the client when he asks: how to navigate in a difficult situation, what to rely on when choosing?

I answer - to my sensitivity

If you disassemble step by step, how a person makes any decision, then the first thing will be

• determination of one's own need (what do I want?)
• then reality testing (a pause during which the person does nothing, but observes and collects information about what is happening around him),
• decision-making (reflects and assesses what are the chances of satisfying the needs, is there a risk, is it justified),
• itself action (or inaction).

The first two stages: determining your need and orientation in the situation just relate to the ability to handle your sensitivity. When there are no problems with this, then, as a rule, a person does not have insoluble doubts or torments about how to act: accept what is happening or try to change something - because he feels enough both himself and the world around him, which means that he is well oriented in situations. This gives more self-confidence and stability, which makes the decision-making process calmer, allows for clearer thinking, since emotions do not interfere with the mind from performing its functions.

From my own experience, I can say that most often the questions, torments and doubts indicated in the topic of the article arise if these two stages have not yet been passed, and the person is already in a state of making a decision, or even an action! Then the whole process is similar to fortune telling on coffee grounds. Naturally, strong anxiety and doubts about the "correctness" of the choice grow.

Clarifying the situation greatly simplifies life and the decision-making process, but for some reason this is precisely the biggest difficulty. And here it is important to find out harder and more frightening to see and notice what is inside or around me? Is the world cruel and insecure, or am I so terrible that I and my reactions will be rejected or ignored? Here are the most common reasons that, in my opinion, most often affect the decrease in sensitivity:

• Sometimes the reason for ignoring the messages of the outside world is that the collision with the supposed reality seems very painful, and this moment is delayed until the last. In my opinion, a rather senseless way, because sooner or later reality rushes into life and adjusts plans. And it is better that this happens earlier, when there is an opportunity to make adjustments on our part. True, then you will have to accept responsibility for the results on yourself, and not give everything at the mercy of fate, chance and other people. But sometimes the fear of failure (or luck?) Is so strong that it’s easier to wait than to put in the effort yourself.
• One of the reasons for ignoring your feelings: the learned rule that wanting something for yourself is harmful and selfish, good people live for the sake of others. In this case, one's own needs are hidden so deeply and reliably that it takes a long time and it is difficult to get to them.
• Sometimes it is difficult to understand and present one's own needs to others, because an inner conviction deeply lives in a person that he is uninteresting, immoral, angry, stupid, etc. I don't even want to look for my needs myself, so as not to face once again the confirmation of this axiom, learned from childhood, and there is no question of anyone else learning about them.
• Sometimes there is a lack of knowledge, experience and ideas. about what is happening either in the external world or in the internal. And for me this is the simplest situation in our information age.

To increase sensitivity is simple - to learn to pause and listen, to look closely at yourself, at other people, at the world. Notice what happens to you at the moment of pause, what gets in the way, what helps to observe. As a rule, if this succeeds, then the answer to the question "what to do?" and willingness to act.