2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Parental messages that fell into the depths of the unconscious, small and large grievances between partners - arose from the words spoken
Words, words, words … Spoken and not said, the pictures they conjure up. From the word, you can recharge, mobilize, get interested, fall in love, heal. From the word you can get sick, exhausted, upset and even die.
This post is about how to separate the wheat from the chaff. Listen reflexively, suggesting a double bottom. See the spectrum of communication, not just black or white
On psychological forums, people ask many questions about family relationships, conflicts at work and personal experiences because of this. After carefully reading the forum thread, it is easy to find that the problems are related to communication.
Information vs Interpretation
The beauty of the phenomenon of communication lies in the fact that information is perceived in a specific way, and in how this happens is the secret of great troubles and happiness. A great example is the comedy blockbuster Pixels. The inhabitants of the Earth sent samples of culture into space in the hope of meeting brothers in mind and, among other things, invested in computer games. In the heavenly office, they processed the information and sent cute monsters from 80s computer games to Earth. Love to play war - you are welcome.
At first glance, there are two representatives of the species Homo sapiens for communication, and according to the results - like representatives of hostile civilizations. Let's see what happens between people that prevents understanding each other.
Let's conventionally call the sides of communication: the one who starts - initiator communication, and the other side - recipient messages.
Firstly, the initiator of communication wants to convey information to the interlocutor. Those. the message often contains fact … Eg: “Great weather, isn't it?”, “Prepare for the exam”, “Be careful on the road!”. The fact is that in reality there is - the weather, the exam, the element of danger on the road. The idea that they want to convey a fact to us is obvious. On the other hand, due to emotional involvement, interest, the “fact” is ignored, denied, and repressed.
In response to a request to remove your leg from yours in public transport, you can hear - the goat itself, although the topic of animal husbandry had never been heard before.
Secondly, the initiator of communication is a risky person. After all, when we open our mouths to say: “Hello! How are you?”, We are substituted. We inform the interlocutor that we care about him and, in general, dream of at least looking in our direction. And if we say something more serious and profound, then the risks of misunderstanding, rejection, devaluation increase unreasonably.
In other words, when we say something, we self-disclose … The listener can draw many conclusions about us from our message. What language does the person speaking, accent, manner of speaking, rate of speech, intonation, when the remark was uttered (to the point) and suggest why they want to talk to me about it now.
This is self-disclosure has features of self-presentation and self-exposure. Therefore, the information in the message can be hidden by self-exaltation (humiliation) or disguise. After all, as is familiar, I ask about one thing and hope that they will understand me correctly and answer another question.
Thirdly, in our message, can be hidden or explicitly shown attitude to the interlocutor or the subject of discussion. In the background is a symphony on the theme "What do I think of you?" or how we relate to each other.
“Izya, go home! - Shaw, it's cold !? - No, eat!.
In the anecdote about a Jewish boy, the grandmother clearly suggests Izi's lack of the ability to be in contact with her needs - thermoregulation and hunger.
Fourth, the message is often hidden or explicitly contains a call to action. Mom says to her daughter: "We have so many apples grown."And it may well have a manipulative goal - to induce the daughter to come to the country to harvest.
Receive messages. The agony of choice
In fact, no one really suffers and does not suffer. The listener makes a choice based on the psychological defenses developed in life, actual experiences, physical condition, role models and scenarios.
Most often, the listener hears one thing in the message - a fact, attitude, self-disclosure or appeal.
Example: Mom says to her daughter: “What are you wearing !? You have not a skirt, but panties!"
The table displays the explicit and hidden meaning of the mother's remark, and the possible responses that it evokes from the daughter. The conversation can move further depending on which of the channels of information the daughter will respond to.
Conclusions:
If you want to become a successful communicator, you need to work on your 4D listening skill. Exercise hear message like fact, attitude, self-disclosure and appeal … It makes sense to check your guesses and assumptions with clarifying questions.
The article is based on the book “Talking to Each Other: The Anatomy of Communication”. Friedemann Schulz von Thun. 2015
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