2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When the relationship ends through an unexpected break in the connection of one of the parties - one of the partners, as they say, "throws" the other - the "abandoned" may have a desire to return the partner who broke the connection. "I love. I can't live without him. He is so good. I need him so much. I can't let go."
However, love does not always hold in this case. Feelings hold, but others: pain and anger. The partner has left, now there is no one to present them, but I want to express them. You may also want to receive compensation. “You offended me. Come back and atone for your guilt."
There is another component in this desire to "return". When a person abruptly breaks the connection, his ex-partner kind of receives a message from him, "I dumped you because you are bad." The more abruptly the break occurred, the more powerful the message "You are so terrible that I had to run away from you." And in this attempt to return a partner, a person is trying to return his "goodness".
"If you behave like this, I will leave you", "You were a bad girl - I will leave you." This is what the parents said. Perhaps they were also "offended" and did not talk to the child. This is now reproduced with a partner. And it hurts not only about the breakup of "adult" relationships, but also about the fact that they were so thrown in childhood. I want to return not only my partner, but also my parents. Get confirmation that "I'm good."
What about sharp throws? An adult cannot “leave” another adult, the word “give up” comes from childhood, when an adult could abruptly leave the child, leave him alone. In the relationship of adults, in a healthy version, the relationship ends, in an unhealthy, but common, there is a break.
Completion takes place with mutual respect. There is a clarification and discussion of the situation, a search for solutions. And parting can be chosen as one of the solutions. Partners give each other the opportunity to voice their feelings, to speak out. None of the partners have unsaid words or feelings, no hidden resentment or anger remains. There remains gratitude for what happened, and sadness for what did not work out.
The gap can be both one-sided and reciprocal. It happens abruptly, without discussion. "I'm tired, I'm leaving." "You are so and so, get out of my life." The gap occurs against the background of acute intolerable feelings. The person tries to stop communication as soon as possible and no longer interact with the former partner.
It seems that this partner is so bad, it is so bad with him that you need to leave him as soon as possible. But in this way a person tries to isolate himself not from a partner, but from his feelings, which he cannot cope with. Likewise, parents once "abandoned" their child because they could not cope with themselves and their feelings.
So, if a breakup situation has occurred, it seems that the partner “threw”, and really want to return it, it makes sense to remember that the partner did not “quit”, but isolated himself from what he could not cope with.
It also makes sense to end the relationship without the participation of a partner, for oneself: “speak out”, voice (and more than once) tormenting thoughts and feelings, but not to a partner, but, for example, to a friend, or write a letter and read it out loud to yourself.
And to return to itself its value, its "goodness" so that it does not depend on other people, so that no one can "take it away" by simply breaking off the relationship.
Ivanova Elena (Saida) Vyacheslavovna
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