Rejection Ahead Of The Curve

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Let's imagine a situation - one of the partners is consciously or unconsciously afraid that he will be abandoned sooner or later, so he leaves the other partner. Every person in his life is faced with a similar story or with people who behave in a similar way. Why is this happening? The thing is that our psyche is more predisposed to the realization of fears, rather than desires.

What if they do this to you?

First you need to understand - what does proactive rejection mean and what does it look like? This is a state when a person has decided in advance that he will be abandoned, and painted in the subconscious a picture of how it will hurt. Why then go through this situation, because the result is known in advance?

Examples of rejection include the following situations:

1. The girl communicates with the guy and for some time does not answer him for SMS messages. According to the man, he does not receive an answer for quite a long time, according to the woman - only five hours, and this is not so long. However, the partner's silence provokes the emergence of negative thoughts ("Well, everything, she probably wants to leave me!"), Especially if this is a new acquaintance. As a result, the man breaks down and writes to his companion: “Everything is clear! You don't want to communicate. I drew conclusions. " Thus, the person himself rejected himself in advance in the person of this girl.

2. Often, clients consciously or unconsciously become attached to the therapist, feel some kind of psychological dependence. They are afraid of this feeling, so they interrupt psychotherapy sessions. As a rule, such cases of interruption of therapy are quite indicative - a person decides to abruptly end psychotherapy because of panic and inexplicable fear for him in relation to his therapist ("I will not come to you again!").

3. A person expresses his opinion in the company, and in response he hears: "No, your opinion is not realistic at all." Perceiving the response or actions of others as rejection, he gets up, slams the door and leaves with the thoughts: “That's it, I was rejected. But I will reject all of you faster!"

4. One of the partners tortures the other with constant statements that the latter does not love him. This is a fairly vivid example of proactive rejection. By his actions, a person seems to say: "Reject me!".

Experiencing such a state, a person tries to cope with internal aggression. However, many people simply do not understand that the manifestation of a flash of anger is proactive rejection.

Who is this type of behavior for? Mostly people with an anxious-avoidant type of attachment that originated in deep childhood, when the mother began to leave the child alone, and he was worried. The child's emotions could be manifested in different ways - hysterical attempts to stop the mother ("Mom, I need you, don't go!"), Rejection of the mother, accompanied by uncontrollable behavior ("No! Don't touch me!"). A person imitates approximately this behavior in adulthood (if someone is liked and important, he tries to hold on with all his might, then repels, again tries to maintain a relationship, etc.).

What is the complexity of the problem? First of all, the reaction is often unconscious. If a person is clearly aware of what character flaws he has, he can correct the situation by softening his words or apologizing for his behavior (“I realize that I have such a character trait, so I do this automatically. In addition, it was accepted in my family! "or" Sorry, it seemed to me, that's why I did this "). As a rule, the conscious model of behavior changes over time, the reaction becomes less violent.

What are the causes of proactive rejection? The main one is that a person cannot cope with the surging amount of emotions that he is experiencing at the moment due to suspicions of possible rejection or any unpleasant words. The condition is aggravated by the emotional experiences and trauma of childhood. Every time people around say "No!"As a result, the psyche does not stand, the person closes from everyone, hiding childhood wounds and being afraid to open the scars healed in consciousness.

How do you deal with this behavior if you notice it? If there is paranoid suspicion of rejection, anxiety builds up, something unpleasant happens, a painful sensation arises, you need to pause or stop.

It is important to analyze the childhood years and understand what kind of childhood experience the situation resembles, to realize that the pain was inflicted not now, but sometime in the past. It is imperative to give the opportunity to the person with whom the experience has occurred at the moment to rehabilitate. If possible, it is better to say (“I thought you wanted to hurt me”, “I thought you were rejecting me”) - this way you can immediately get feedback and understand how correct the assumptions are.

What if a partner does this? This situation is much more complicated and practically hopeless - the partner must understand himself and understand that he is not rejected, analyze what his childhood projections are superimposed on those around him. Of course, you will have to convince your partner for a long time that he is not rejected ("Yes, I'm with you. I react to you normally, I'm just busy now, but then I'll be with you"), perhaps there will be checks. If the level of violations is strong enough, the partner will psychologically put pressure on this zone, especially if some need is not satisfied.

In the context of the problem, you should definitely analyze the behavior of your partner and try to understand what need he wants to satisfy (Maybe there is not enough love and attention? Perhaps there has been no general weekend for a long time or there is not enough time to spend time together?). It is also important not to react to provocations - the person will cause feelings of guilt or shame. Absolutely any type of character (narcissist, schizoid, paranoid, even a depressive personality type) can act out rejection in advance, so the primary task is not to get emotionally involved in this process, to understand the situation (a certain scenario related to the life of a partner is being played) and not to be afraid of losing a partner … As soon as you can cope with the surging feelings (“Well, if a person wants to leave me, this is his right. constantly proving that I really love him?”), the partner will stop enjoying the process of hurting and rejecting. Another way out of this situation is to take a short pause in the relationship, but for some couples this is quite painful and unacceptable.

In any relationship, partners merge and, whether they like it or not, various projections are turned on (mom, dad, relatives). At the peak of the amplitude of emotions, partners begin to treat each other aggressively. If you lower the level of the emotional component a little, you can see real figures, and not a projection or some kind of image.

There may also be an option when one of the partners does everything to make the couple really break up. This behavior is not connected with the fear of parting, but with a real assessment of the relationship - the partner feels that the relationship has exhausted itself, so it's time to turn over this page. In such a situation, he will do everything so that his companion is the first to leave, taking upon himself the responsibility of parting.

However, in any case, the most optimal way out is a break in the relationship. If one of the partners deliberately provokes the emergence of scandalous situations, you should not emotionally turn on. Keeping someone forcibly in a relationship is the worst possible solution to a problem.