ABILITY THERAPY. THE INJURY OF THE ABANDONED. INJURY OF THE THROWER

Video: ABILITY THERAPY. THE INJURY OF THE ABANDONED. INJURY OF THE THROWER

Video: ABILITY THERAPY. THE INJURY OF THE ABANDONED. INJURY OF THE THROWER
Video: Aquatic Therapy at the International Center for Spinal Cord Injury | Kennedy Krieger Institute 2024, March
ABILITY THERAPY. THE INJURY OF THE ABANDONED. INJURY OF THE THROWER
ABILITY THERAPY. THE INJURY OF THE ABANDONED. INJURY OF THE THROWER
Anonim

Abandonment - for us, this is the feeling of a person with whom we have unilaterally stopped communicating. At the same time, the one who quit did not allow the separation procedure to take place. He simply disappeared. He did not say: “You were important to me,” or “It was too difficult for me to be with you,” he did not thank, did not express any feelings, no attitude, but simply got out of contact. Thus, with his power, he placed a person, be it a child, husband, friend, lover or partner, in an object position, that is, treated him as a thing. A person from a subject has become an object, and it seems that he does not have any power, to regain subjectivity, to return activity in this interaction that is significant for him. He must simply submit and reconcile, in a sense, agree to become "nobody."

In our therapeutic experience, abandonment leaves the abandoned one with very little repertoire of actions. He may yearn. Powerless to be angry. Regret. Blame yourself for your mistakes. Or, if he gets up the courage, then this courage will be directed towards the thrower. That is, not to go and meet a new person. And to send an angry, apologetic or pleading text to the one who left the person. Write letters to him, call (and not dial), endlessly talk to him inside yourself.

That is, the thrower is very focused on the thrower. Achievements are dedicated to him. He's to blame for failure. In the end, he is the one who needs to get revenge and prove. This is an exhausting condition. A person seems to be forced to devote all his actions to the one who quit. He has no freedom to turn towards other people, for some (sometimes long!) Time he is powerless to build new relationships in which he is comfortable. Traumatized by abandonment, he loses his vitality and vitality. How does this trauma happen, and how can we help it?

In our opinion, a person experiences the peak of trauma precisely when this "objectification" occurs. How does this happen? One declares that he is no longer going to communicate, he pronounces the prepared text, without listening to the answer, effectively walks around the room, goes out and slams the door. At the same time, the second person at this moment becomes an object, or audience, which does not have the opportunity to intervene in what is happening. At this moment, the injury occurs. One person "binds" another to himself, while the mechanism of an unfinished action operates. The one who quit completed what he wanted. And the one who was thrown did not finish, and is forced to stay with it. His attempts to complete his processes alone do not work, because these processes were about two people.

The difficulty also lies in the fact that when a person throws, some kind of deification or demonization occurs, that is, in the eyes of the thrown, he is endowed with the features of omnipotence, becomes a numinous character. How can I be with a person whom I cannot influence at all? And he can do it on me. Because he moves, he gives me impressions, feelings. What if he wants to contact me? And then he will influence me. And I cannot influence him in response. This is an insoluble problem. The brain cannot accommodate it.

In therapy, it is important for us to help the abandoned person regain their freedom and activity, the ability to mentally (and sometimes actually) return to interaction with the thrower. Demand and receive from him a recognition of his importance in a relationship, even if it is already ending. Get back in touch with your needs. To regain the strength to admit your truth in a relationship, your righteousness, and on this basis to complete, or rather, to finally complete the action of parting.

And for this, the most suitable technique in a psychodramatic vein is role-playing, when we put the role of the abandoned person and allow the client to return to dialogue with the abandoned person. Through active role reversal and active duplication, we make room for missed feelings and events. A person can say unsaid words, hear a response. It is important that he can understand the unannounced motive of the thrower's behavior. This restores the ability to feel and think, revives the abandoned one. But it also revives the image of the one who threw, that is, unlocks this demonicity towards the human, makes the one who threw, instead of the omnipotent numinous force, an ordinary person. This figure ceases to hypnotize the abandoned one.

From the point of view of the Gestalt therapist, the focus of any work is to restore contact. It is important to restore the client's awareness, unblock his bodily, emotional and intellectual activity. We do this by allowing him to rely on the norms of justice, honesty, and the norms of human relations. To this I would like to add such a norm as simply the right to life. It is important that the therapist, by the very fact of his presence and the fact that he sees a person in his intentions and needs, helps him to overcome the stop, the block that arose in his activity at the moment when he was thrown. If in the process of therapy we manage to support a person in his rights, then he finds a form to allow himself to live in contact with the world.

The second side of the couple in this interaction is interesting. The thrower can also have his own injury. Most likely, not of such intensity, because the thrower was still active, but it is still a traumatic state. It can be embarrassing that his own ethical principles have been violated. There may be feelings of guilt. Fear that you've done harm. Shame. And these memories are preserved sometimes for years, decades. The thrower often has a certain zone of powerlessness around the thrown figure. If he is strong enough not to come into contact with him, then he is powerless if he does accidentally come into contact with him. When meeting, he may feel awkward, ashamed, guilty, confused, impotent anger, and even the same feeling of abandonment. Because the thrower also fully does not have the opportunity to completely complete his relationship with the Other, because for parting, as we have already said, another person is required.

An important observation: a fairly common motive for throwing is the fear of being thrown. The thrower has often been injured earlier. And he throws first, so as not to find himself in such a situation again. He can take this step not out of the motive of “destroying” the other, but out of the desire to preserve at least some energy, to get out of contact, at least to some extent, not destroyed. So in practice, dealing with the trauma of the thrower often turns into preliminary work with the trauma of the thrown.

We wrote this article for both colleagues and clients, because we are all human beings, and we are not immune from getting this sad experience of being abandoned. We thought about what we can recommend as a means of self-help for such moments when you are abandoned and you have no one to share your experiences with. We think the best thing to do for yourself in moments like this is to think about your values. What is there in your life that you will never quit. Your loved ones, your favorite activities, your interests. What will you remain devoted to, no matter what. And this will mean that you will not leave yourself.

Evgeniya Rasskazova

Vitaly Elovoy

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