Let Her Be The First

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Over the past week, I have heard several times from different men the doomed phrase "Well, what did she give / give me"?

It was about finished relationships, as well as relationships with partners that are not satisfied at the moment

In this very phrase, I intuitively hear disharmony. It's like seeing a person walking backwards down the street. It seems there is movement, but somehow strange. What do you think he is?

And what can a university, for example, give? Yes, what the student is ready to take himself! That knowledge, that interest, that experience that a person is ready to carry away, having worked hard.

And what gives life to such men?

What he can take from her. If a person leads a sluggish lifestyle, does not show an active, creative position, then yes, life has offended. Moreover, the activity may be so scattered and the semblance of activity is. Taking more pleasure from life is not at all about how to contribute and prove yourself. He ran there, drove here, met with these, lit up there. But the most important thing is missing - its own vector. Integrity.

It's the same with a woman. I ask questions, what were the actions that were supposed to give you the desired respect, recognition and freedom? They answer. Then it becomes clear why such a modest incentive gives such an insufficient response.

What prevents you from being happy?

Evaluate a woman, choose the one who will love correctly? This is a conscious look - to understand what she still gives, since the man was with her or is in a relationship. Fear inhibits. Fear of getting too close. Fear of giving her what she wants. After all, then the man will lose control of the situation. Submit to the skirt, so to speak. Oh oh - real, genuine contact will happen! But it can be traumatic, painful, so many people prefer to sit in their shell and wait for love, respect and recognition to be brought. "No, let her be the first to prove that she can be trusted, then I will move mountains for her!"

In general, if the first skirt in a man's life (mother) was not giving enough (love, recognition), then the man is simply not ready for a positive reaction. He will look for reasons to be offended. And wait. Wait for a woman to appreciate him positively. Just because he is. Well yes. Lies on the couch, but how it lies!

This could be a source of happiness for mom, just gagging from the stroller. When a man assumes this position, he gains maternal controlling behavior. And again he is not happy, because he wants something else, but to do in order to receive is laziness. Because it's scary. Mom scolded, criticized, pressed a lot. If a man is afraid of a relationship, he will be passive in it. And the woman will be to blame. You have to throw your problem on someone.

And one more observation. Those men who are successfully realized in this life, for some reason, are not at all averse to submitting to a skirt. They have already asserted themselves enough in the outside world to fully accept the affection and love of a woman at home. In order not to fight with women, you need to be ready to enter into competition with other men. And this is work, courage, risk.

Allowing someone to calmly evaluate your actions and know the value of your woman for yourself is freedom. And freedom is, first of all, responsibility - an active position.

Apparently such men have enough inner strength to relax and trust. Because you love a lot in yourself, and it's nice to share good things. When a man is lazy and does not believe in himself, then no fairy here will help with inspiration. Deciding to be gentle and generous with a woman is a lot for strong-willed and mature men.

And when it starts “let her be the first to change”, then I want to say: the first one - it was my mother, everything and claims to her. Maintaining the appearance of a good relationship with your mother and at the same time pouring your childhood resentments and fears onto your partner is not very constructive behavior for a relationship. In this case, it is the mother for the man who acts in the role of the receiving woman-partner, and directly the partner is forced to act out the role of the mother.

In fact, such infantile men are "married" to their mothers and are afraid to betray her, because they are used to being afraid of disobedience. They were not released, not given freedom, threatening to refuse love. So they hold onto my mother until her gray hair. If only she loved at least somehow!

About lying in such a relationship. When a child is afraid, he learns to lie. And such men are so great to promise, trying to seem cooler than they really are.

- Will I give you that star over there?

- So cool! Thanks. I'm very pleased. And when?

- Well, what are you starting to spoil the relationship with specifics! You are so demanding, I went …

I know that you are waiting for a call

And what did I promise

But how nice to give a kick

Garden vegetables

Fly over the fence

Oh nail, tearing your pants

And run away to the pine forest

All men are liars

A. Golev

When I lie, I am bad, I woke up my guilt. To be guilty in childhood is to be normal, this is how you can receive your mother's love - through criticism. In order to plunge into such "love spells" it is enough to touch the partner, she will scream, and that's it - the ecstasy happened. And the guilty one is the victim. The victim is not responsible for anything. So you never know what I promised there. Some people say so, “Well, I’m such a brute, if you want, accept me like that, if you want - not”.

Moms keep their infantile sons with them, since the relationship with her husband did not work out. And it is not so important whether such a man lives with his mother or she is on the other side of the earth, the main thing is an emotional connection. It is quite a common case when the son and mother do not communicate at all, retaining resentment against each other. The umbilical cord retains such a rupture. She just stretches to the limit and the man manifests himself even more inadequately in a relationship

Perverted, of course, the circle of interests turns out. Mom-son-wife. But the partner here also plays the role of a victim of her own free will, participating in a devaluing codependent relationship. Such a woman has a need to be disappointed and to accuse a man, to convict of a lie. This opportunity is successfully and regularly provided by the partner. And if he didn't, would there be a relationship? Here's an interesting question.

What is the basis of involuntary love, seasoned with a sense of guilt. Man and woman carry this willingness to deny each other. And, when meeting, they try to slip their own pain with the requirement to recognize the authorship of the other, although this property is personally of each.

A man provokes a woman = "he is bad", she scolds him = "she is bad." When “she’s bad,” you don’t have to try for her. When "he is bad" you can not hold back and swear as much as you want. The goals have been achieved. Thus, the baton of guilt is passed from hand to hand and the conflict circulates in a circle.

The goal of such a relationship is to plunge back into the painful sensations of childhood and overcome our weakness, defeat the parent, re-educate him. The purpose of such a relationship is not at all family and children, as it is stated, but to shout out to another what has not been said to the overwhelming adult. And what we really need is what we get. If a family and children were needed, they would certainly be.

A man really wants to preserve the opportunity to lie and at the same time so that the "mother" smiles. Then such an unpleasant stereotype that "I am always not good enough" will be destroyed. You can, of course, stop lying in such a context "well, yes, I cheated on you, but now I'm honestly telling you about it." Yes, who needs such honesty when betrayal is attached to it? These are all games. Checks because there is no trust. “Let her prove she's worth it. That she will forgive me EVERYTHING. " Then the gestalt will close - “Mom loves unconditionally. Uf. Now you can relax and enjoy life."

All these unpleasant oddities are due to childhood trauma.

In fact, there are no guilty or right people here. Some of the victims. Mom, in turn, did not receive something there and began to expect too much from her son. It makes sense to give up the position of the victim, from the waiting position. To stop being a victim, you must first admit your sadism. See the pain of another, be honest with yourself, feel and hear your partner. Try to protect and support, and not fight with his weaknesses, defending his innocence.

If you do not admit to everyone their own jamb, their contribution to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy and do not start changes with themselves, instead of demanding changes from the "first", then excuse me. I can't help you

Drawing: Dmitry Shelikhov