2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Our entire culture in one way or another describes neurotic love. Films, novels, songs - everything that people rely on, forming their idea of this feeling. In them, love is represented by passion, an all-consuming feeling, even to some extent an obsession with others. For the sake of such love, people commit crazy acts, they are ready to endure suffering, which is considered an indispensable attribute of relationships. A storm of feelings, drama, mystery and longing - all this is very attractive and sells well.
Even psychologists, including myself, write more often about the abnormality than about what a mature, healthy relationship can be. Mature couples rarely see a psychologist. They mature through therapy and relationship work.
In order to fill the gap in the idea of what "adult love" is, I decided to write this article.
The first thing that catches your eye when looking at a healthy relationship is the significant self-sufficiency of the partners. There is no possessiveness in them, but there is trust. Partners respect and admire each other, rather than use to meet their own needs. In contrast to the neurotic one: "I cannot live without you!" Nobody demands: "You have to be by my side so that I feel good!" And he does not betray himself, obeying the requirements of a partner, for fear that he will leave him.
Respect for your partner does not allow you to look down on him: "I know better what is good for you", "Do as I said (a)!" When we try to get the other person to do what we think is right, he begins to defend himself against control and pressure. Often going over to the offensive and counter-accusation.
Whereas respect for the needs, boundaries and characteristics of another person stimulates us to cooperate, to look for opportunities for a "win-win" strategy.
An adult relationship is a union of equals, where everyone takes responsibility for their feelings, words, and behavior. If you hold your spouse responsible for your happiness, you feel resentment and anger when you don't get what you want. But the other cannot be held responsible for the fact that his ideas about happiness do not coincide with yours. You can match your expectations with the capabilities of the other. And you can take care of yourself if your partner, for some reason, cannot meet your needs.
Taking responsibility for yourself means not blaming the other for the fact that your life is not what you would like it to be. If you cannot do what is important to you or what you like because it is not approved by the second is your problem, not his. If the other does not take on his part of the responsibility, and you take it upon yourself, then the responsibility for your overload is also on you.
A healthy relationship is also characterized by the ability to share: for what you feel in a relationship, you are responsible, for what the partner feels, he is responsible. No one can make another feel something and cannot control another without his consent. If a loved one is offended by your behavior, it is not your fault, but his choice to react this way.
Responsibility is also the right to choose what is right for you, this is the ability to manage your life, and not transfer it to the management of others, even the closest people.
In a mature partnership, people support each other in self-realization. One helps the other to achieve the desired. First of all, this is support in development, since the partner himself sees it. Helping and caring in a couple is not a way of getting the other to be in debt or buying their loyalty. This is not a love-bargain, where everyone calculates how much he did to the other, in order to later claim their dividends. And this is not salvation, where one solves the problems of the other and pulls him out of misfortunes and crises, preventing him from feeling responsibility for his choice, and not allowing him to learn to act.
For a mature person, the ability to give is a demonstration of one's own strength and abundance. She receives a return at the moment when she sees that her support helps the second to become stronger. And the result of the partner brings her pleasure.
In such a relationship, people look at each other with open eyes, seeing a real person, and not a frozen image. This is possible when partners are sincerely interested in each other, no matter how many years they have lived side by side. When they are ready to accept another for who he is, with his merits and demerits, without judging or trying to remake him into a more convenient one.
An important feature of mature relationships is the ability to speak openly and sincerely with each other. A couple becomes very resilient if the spouses can be who they are without fear that their words or actions will be discounted, criticized or sarcastic. It is incredibly valuable when there is a person nearby whom you can trust and whose support you can count on. In this relationship, both are safe.
Of course, when I talk about mature relationships, I don’t mean that they are perfect. They have a clash of interests, and disagreement and various emotions. At the same time, whatever the spouses do, they remember the common goal of their marriage - to live together happily ever after. Remember that they are in the same boat and do not want to rock it. They take responsibility for the contributions they are making right now to their relationship. And these relationships are always more important for them than some kind of situational reticence or conflict.
In these relationships, people talk to each other and try to hear and understand the other's point of view. Even if they disagree with her. No one feels obligated to agree to something that does not suit him, just because the other sees the situation differently. And does not require this from a partner. But this does not mean that spouses do not compromise. They negotiate so that everyone is happy. And someone can give in without feeling like a victim.
A healthy relationship is definitely a relationship in which both are good. Much better than individually. The presence of the other makes both stronger, more balanced, not weaker. At the same time, their interaction leaves the possibility of their own space and respect for boundaries. Complementing each other, the spouses remain separate integral personalities.
Associated with such relationships are words such as reliability, loyalty, understanding, sincerity, mutual support, development and interest. Perhaps, it would not be very interesting to watch a movie about such a relationship, but for a family, in my opinion, this is exactly what is needed.
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