Parents Are The Worst Violators Of Your Personal Boundaries

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What are personal boundaries?

This is the feature that separates you, your "I", from everyone else: from your parents, husband, friends. In this line there are circles in which you allow your close and not very close people. But even in these circles there is a bar that no one should step over.

The first thing that is violated within these boundaries, in my personal life experience, is when there is a role reversal. A priori, it happens like this, there are you (the child) and your parents. In case of violation, you change places, mom and dad may ask you to solve problems for them, some questions, take on their responsibilities. If you have the strength to refuse, the parents turn on the child even more, begin to complain, press on the feeling of guilt.

Capturing your territory

First of all, what parents encroach on is territory. You have no personal space, even if you live separately. Mom and Dad have keys, they can come to you at any time, without a call or warning. They do not hesitate to house you.

To begin with, do not try to justify your parents, they say, well, what's wrong with that. Anyone has the right to their personal territory, even if it is just a bed and a table. It is only yours, and no one can touch your things without permission. This is not a manifestation of selfishness, but an absolutely normal psychological environment.

Parental plans for your life

Every second person can tell a lot of examples on this topic. Parents know best where to go to study, where to work, who to meet and be friends with, when to marry and have children. What is the risk of such interference? Children who grow up in such conditions often don’t know what they want. Parents demand grandchildren, and you may not want children at all, but because of their pressure, you don't even realize it. As a result, you follow the lead, a baby is born, and you feel nothing for him except irritation. Therefore, your main task is to clearly separate where the hopes and desires of the parents are, and where are yours.

Life without the right to refuse

I'll start with an example from my own practice. I have a client, there is a consultation and in the process the girl's cell phone rings. She says that this is mom and needs to be answered. I'm wondering if everything is ok, if something has happened. And in response I hear that everything is normal, just if you don't answer right away, mom will drive you crazy with her claims and notations.

You are an adult, you have your own affairs and concerns. Now you're busy, call back when you can, or don't even call back, that's okay. But parents who demand an answer at any time of the day or night will call all the way, press on feelings of guilt and resent if you don't answer. You must understand that you have the right to choose whether or not to take the phone, talk to your parents or ignore their desire to talk. You are a living person, with your own plans and mood. You don't need to force yourself and do what you don't want to do. Believe me, if something happened, they will tell you, write an SMS, dial from another number. Or do otherwise, pick up the phone, check if everything is okay, and if so, tell me that right now you cannot talk and call back as soon as you are free. In this way, you will kill two birds with one stone, your parents will be happy, you have given them time, and your conscience will not pester the owner.

Violation of agreements

A classic example when they want to sit on your neck. For example, you agreed with your parents that you will take them to the dacha. All is well, you have already arrived and then it turns out that they decided that you would help them: put up a fence, plant a hectare of potatoes, milk a cow. Anything, but you were not warned about it, but simply presented with a fact. It is inconvenient to refuse, not strangers, but you don’t want to agree either, you have other plans. How to check if your boundaries are being violated in this case? If you meet with your parents tomorrow and do not plan anything else, because they can come up with a bunch of tasks for you, then they are violated. They do not appreciate your help, time, and do not take into account that you have your own life, plans and desires.

Parental grade

You are constantly evaluated, compared with others, asked why you did this and not otherwise. Parents monitor everything that happens in your life: from the choice of cosmetics to what you feed your family. Everything is criticized under the guise of advice. Like, yes, this is also possible, but it would be better to do so. You regularly receive parental assessment for any reason, and in 90% of cases it is negative. How not to react to this? Be confident in what you are doing. If you really think you’re doing the right thing, criticism will fail.

Deception

How else do you know if your parents are violating your boundaries? If you lie to them regularly, then, alas, this is true. If it's easier for you to lie, to deceive than to tell the truth and then listen to complaints and reproaches, then the problem is obvious. In my practice, there were clients - men of forty years old who smoked secretly from their parents, because they were afraid of their condemnation, did not want to feel guilty for their experiences. The parents of these men did not perceive them as adults who have the right to such actions.

The most important

If you are over 20 years old, but you still play the role of a child with your parents, then you will behave in the same way with other people. Give in to parental manipulation? It will be the same in relationships with friends, at work, personal life. You will not be able to defend your opinion, to fight back. It is almost impossible to cope with such a problem on your own. I strongly recommend that you turn to a specialist who will help you improve your life, take the reins of government into your own, and not your parent's, hands.

I do not urge to leave them to their fate, I just ask you to live your life. Otherwise, at the end of the path, you will look back and realize that you have nothing and there is no one to blame for it. Those people who did not have a timely separation from their parents, most often a failed personal life, ruined marriages, bad relationships with children. Because they did not have time for their own, they lived by taking care of their parents, indulging their whims. Do not fall for the bait that parents can be re-educated, this will not happen. Become a good adult "child" with your own happy and successful life.