2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I, like each of us, sometimes get very upset on various occasions. Sometimes the reason is clear and obvious to others. And sometimes it just accumulated, as they say. And I, in a state of emotional disorder, first of all want a very simple thing - sympathy. But here's the thing I noticed: it can be very difficult to get sympathy from others, from loved ones. Because many people just don't know how to express empathy! I'll make a reservation right away that I know those who know how and express sincere sympathy and do it really well and encouragingly, but there are only a few such people. Most often, you have to bump into an emotional wall and inept attempts to cheer up or distract from negative emotions.
The problem is, no one taught us how to express empathy properly. We can sincerely empathize with a person in our souls, but in fact give out a crumpled one: "Be strong, bro!" or the instructive: "Be patient, Cossack - you will be ataman." And it happens even worse: "In Africa, children are starving, and here you are crying over trifles." These are, of course, extreme cases, but the essence is clear. I remember back in school I was faced with the problem of not finding the right words for sympathy. When suddenly one of the girls in the class began to cry, others came up and tried to calm her down. I stood aside in a kind of panic. I was sincerely sorry, but some kind of stupor and a lump in my throat prevented me from approaching and saying the right words. In principle, it is only thanks to my knowledge of psychology and observations that I finally understand what is better to say and which words should be categorically discarded. And now I want to describe several of my personal rules of compassion, which, in my understanding, should lead to calming a person, to emotional relief and moral relief.
What not to do:
1. You can never say that someone else is worse. This is taboo! Always, at any second of life, someone will be worse, but this does not cancel the emotions and feelings of an upset person. It is him who is now overwhelmed by emotions, and it is he who now you can help with your participation. Don't discount his feelings!
2. Do not try to make a very upset person laugh. First, you are unlikely to succeed. And secondly, it sounds very offensive. And this is also about depreciation. Like, the fact that you littered here is nonsense and you shouldn't waste your time on it.
3. No need for encouraging and commanding gestures and phrases, such as: be strong, be a man, pull yourself together, stop crying that you are like little, etc. This not only frankly infuriates, but also makes you feel even worse. Moral forces are already running out, and here you still need to strain these forces in order to stop being upset by an effort of will. Sounds honestly schizophrenic. You need to split your consciousness into two parts: weak and strong. And the strong must take the weak into their own hands. Well, not nonsense?
4. Don't try to listen to the mind of the upset person. The mind is out now. Emotions run wild in a person. It's like trying to shout into a telephone receiver with a very bad connection. First you need to calm down your emotions, and then you need to prove that "this is not the end of the world."
5. Don't start attacking. It also happens that an upset person seeks comfort from someone, and the one who comforts, not knowing what to do, begins to attack in response: “It is her own fault! What did you want? What did you think ?! I think this is the worst option. It demoralizes completely. Why - I think there is no need to explain.
So what's the right way to empathize and comfort?
1. Say the phrases "I sympathize with you", "I understand you." Yes, such simple phrases help. When someone says them to me, I immediately begin to relax. I understand that everything is fine with me, they hear me and they accept me with all my feelings, thoughts, tears, etc.
2. Let the person speak. It is very important to name your feelings and emotions. Ask: "How do you feel?" Or notice what is obvious to you: "You are angry now", "I see you are very upset", "I am very sorry that this happened and now it makes you sad", etc. Words and phrases can be modified to suit your speech style, but the essence, I think, is clear.
3. Just be there. Sometimes words are superfluous. Hug someone you love. A frustrated person is like a small child. And for a child, physical contact is very important. Therefore, even patting on the head can be a good idea if you are in the right relationship.
4. If you can help, do it. When the emotional storm begins to subside, do something nice for that person. It can be a cup of hot tea, an offer to “unwind” on a walk, or more specific help in an important matter. Depending on the situation.
5. Power nourishment. The frustrated person has exhausted all the strength that keeps him in good shape. Therefore, he and "unstuck". Tell him how wonderful he really is. How cool he is, important to you, unique and the best. And the fact that he is now crying, for example, is even good, because tears clear, slow down, take away excess stress.
6. Fantasies about a good future. After all, when the upset person is already and not so upset, when you drink delicious tea together, you can fantasize about a good future, where the reasons for the current emotional outburst will be almost forgotten. For example, one day my child will sleep all night, and I will sleep again too. Or the fact that someday my husband and I will have a real date again. These hopes are truly invigorating.
This is my understanding of the correct expression of sympathy and empathy. I would like none of us, being for some reason upset, to bump into the emotional wall of loved ones when we need their shoulder so badly.
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