2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
How to deal with shame so that it stops interfering with life
The only way to get rid of toxic shame is to start experiencing it. Shame feeds on vitality. And vitality is derived from the need that you have.
If you are ashamed, it means one important thing - you want something.
If you ask yourself the question - what do you want, then at some point you realize that you want recognition, love, a simple warm attitude of other people, admiration and pride in you.
The task is to stop at this place and ask - what am I?
The answer is likely not too complimentary. You may think that you are not very clever, clumsy, not so smart. But really - do you know who you are?
Do you know what other people think of you?
Most people with toxic shame lack the courage to even check what the people around them think of them.
The first step, perhaps, is to ask - what other people think of you. Most people with toxic shame do not know what other people think of them, but by default they think they are judgmental. If you start asking questions in this case, you will begin to deal with reality, and not with what you thought about yourself.
In such a situation, the next step will be more difficult
Other people may really think you are ugly and dumb. But this is half the trouble. After all, even if they think you are beautiful and smart, you will not believe them.
It turns out to be quite difficult to meet with the words “I like you”. Shame knocks out of contact. All good words pass in transit without lingering in you.
The problem with people with toxic shame is that they don't have an organ to consume all the good things people say about them. This organ needs to be grown. Therefore, you need to start with the taste buds.
When someone says "you are beautiful" stop. You will want to run away from this place, ignore these words, quickly turn the conversation to another topic, but tell yourself "stop". How do you feel about what you hear? What do you feel besides shame?
Shame doesn't go away right away. But along with it, fear may appear, gratitude for being noticed for what you sometimes think you are, a desire not to run away, but to stay in contact.
This is where the revolution takes place. Shame always pushes you out of contact, but if you begin to notice that in addition to the desire to escape, there is a desire to stay, this means that you have begun to eat. Grow this organ that you didn't have.
Over time, pleasure becomes more, more gratitude, less shame, and you get a kind of cocktail in which it is tolerable and useful to be.
This is how the image of me is slowly formed. Now you can answer the question "what am I". Shame then loses its toxicity. When you are in contact with another person, you already know who you are. Over time, this image becomes more and more stable.
And all because you did not ignore the shame, but gave it the opportunity to transform with significant people.
Often the psychotherapist turns out to be such a significant person. And very often. Because the force that throws people out of contact with toxic shame is very great. Typically, normal relationships are not able to withstand this kind of stress. And a psychotherapist is a person who, despite rejecting the client (after all, you will definitely reject), does not leave, but stays close.
This is how you begin to notice that there is a huge storehouse of your desires in your shame. Shame is the very first repository of vitality and desire that you have. All that is needed is the restoration of support - contact.
So first you will be able to restore contact with the therapist, and then learn how to do it with loved ones.
This is how life becomes richer. Now you can deal with desires directly and not be ashamed of them.
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