I Feel That?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Continuation of my notes on adults who grew up in dysfunctional families.

In fact, in a dysfunctional family there are many different things that come around in adulthood, but today I want to talk about fussiness, shame for idleness and time devoted to myself.

"I am ashamed of you"

For the convenience of "education", to be more honest, to suppress activity that parents are not ready for or, for example, to justify the status of a "good mother", the child's feelings are divided into good (quiet, calm) and bad (noisy, mobile), a sense of duty is actively implanted with responsibility for reactions of parents - “You behaved disgustingly, look, your mother got a headache from you”, “You will bring me to the grave with your behavior”, “What a shame, what will people say?”.

An anxious mother is constantly yawning - you need to keep the child busy with something, until something bad happens, you need to control it, otherwise God knows what, you need to point out mistakes, because it's better for mom to say than someone outside.

As a child, the child of such a mother often hears "Why are you just whining - go at least at this time to wash the dishes." Or, when reading or playing something, "Oh, you're not busy with anything - you need to go to the store." And when from mother's constant control or criticism there are fits of rage - “Why are you hysterical? You have nothing to do - go see a doctor / find yourself a job."

"I am ashamed of myself"

For a woman who was once such a child, everything is often shaking: multitasking, the ability to keep a lot of things in the field of her control (she started the wash, ran to make dinner, checked her child's homework with one hand, with the other made a shopping list in the store, at this time, she began to wash the dishes and ponder whether there would be enough money for a new bed, at that time I remembered that it would be good to set aside an hour and a half for the work that I took home, and iron my blouse, otherwise, you never know, and go to the gym, otherwise they will decide, what else …, and mom - you need to call and report to mom, and then again, you never know what …).

I know that many women live in such multifunctionality, sometimes I myself am like a man-orchestra, and at the same time I am able to divide tasks, give myself time, and set priorities. And I know those who, like a squirrel in a wheel again and again, run until a nervous breakdown, panic, illness occurs.

Parental voices in the head do not cease for a minute, although they have not been heard for many years, but are perceived as their own thoughts, and good, motivating, correct, because if you stop and relax, something terrible will happen. Although this is a deception - you can't stop even when you really want to.

Because you have to be alone with yourself, and there is no such experience. It’s scary, it’s wild, it’s terribly scary to be in touch with yourself.

Because it is forbidden to just BE, you need to do-do-do something. To those I work with, it sounds weird and outlandish when I say "You can just be" in a session. I can see the panic growing - just to be? And what to do with this? Where to run? Are you definitely a specialist? Can I really do that? What if I start to feel something?

"I'm not ashamed"

Probably the hardest thing to do is to make a person feel. Most of the sessions focus on the return of feelings and emotions, on awareness and naming, on bodily sensations. At first, this is a mechanical action - "I think, probably, that this …", the body is ignored - "nothing has changed, I sit as before." It takes time, in fact a lot of time, but the road will be mastered by the walker, and if a person has decided to try and do, changes will occur.

At some point, the signaling function of the senses returns, sensations thaw, questions arise: “my fists clenched - what's going on?”, “Everything seems to be in order, but why am I worried? Maybe I'm afraid? Or angry?”,“What can I do now to support myself?”.

When a person begins to feel and become aware of his feelings, most of the path has been covered. It is natural to be afraid and anxious in front of something new, it is natural to be angry and defend your rights when they are violated, it is natural to cry when it hurts, and it is natural to rejoice at your successes and share your happiness with others. Give yourself permission to feel the movement of life and sometimes allow yourself to just be.