2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It was a tough day. In the morning I received terrible news - a very dear person was in intensive care. I quickly resolved the issue with work, found money, bought tickets…. I had several hours before departure. I really needed your support, warm hugs and words that everything will be fine. I wrote to you. She asked me to take you to the station, I didn't tell you about my problem in SMS, but wanted to tell you on the way.
You specified the time of departure and wrote that you will not be in time.
And that's all …
You didn’t ask me why I’m leaving, what would happen … I had a feeling that someone had paused time ….
Why didn't you ask anything? After all, you knew that at work I have a new project, I am burning with it and I am not planning any trips.
I wrote:
- Why don't you ask me questions? Are you not interested, or are you delicately waiting for me to tell you myself?
The sign of the set of tex appeared, it disappeared, then it appeared again…. It lasted a long time and now I saw your answer:
- I'll be honest with you, I have no love. There were no feelings. You are good, smart. I think you don’t need a relationship “just like that”, and neither do I.
At that moment, my breath caught in my throat, my head started spinning and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I did not expect such a knife in the back. The thought swirled like a swarm in my head - "Why? Why? What's going on?" After all, the day before yesterday we were sitting with you in a cafe, you made plans, you said that if WE want pizza next time, then you will take me to the best restaurant where it is made. Yesterday, you were happy and joyful preparing fresh juice for me in the morning, and while drinking songs, you accompanied me to the taxi.
What happened? … We've met not for the first month.
At that moment, I could not afford to live this pain. I had my way home, questions with the hospital and much more.
After drinking a decent dose of valerian, I packed my suitcase, called a taxi …
There is emptiness in my head, a dull, oppressive pain in my chest …
At home, everything was settled safely, and after a few days I finally allowed myself to think about you. Resentment covered me - why did you so often say the word "We"? After all, for a long time I tried not to take him to heart. But gradually it began to seem to me that this "we" might have a future. I felt guilty that I did something wrong, made mistakes, ruined the relationship, but I could not understand why.
And again this pain in the chest, because I allowed myself to feel. These feelings are very hard. Loneliness, the desire to hide from the whole world under a blanket … and here I lie, tears are rolling down my cheeks, I find it difficult to breathe, but I lie, I allow this feeling to be … Gradually, as after the rain the clouds dissipate, sadness, guilt and resentment passed.
But then came anger and rage. I started to hate you, I saw all your flaws. They have turned into monstrous deformities! "Goat! How could he !? You bastard! What did I find in him! Will this idiot really make me cry? !!!" And now the rage becomes more, I can no longer lie on the bed, otherwise I will be torn to pieces.
I get up, dress, run to the stadium. I have never had such an intense training. Running round and round, I violently step on the ground with my feet, and it already seems to me that even the planet is starting to spin faster, I push it so hard …
And then there was a pause. No feelings, no emotion.
I make new plans, take out my phone book, remember my fans. And life goes on.
A month passes, the second, the third….
I don’t think about you and I don’t remember. Life is full and interesting.
Now I started thinking about you sometimes. I remember your stories, interesting moments of our dates and I'm sad…. I see some pictures like in a movie, I'm sad. No, I'm not crying anymore. I don’t ask myself questions. I'm not looking for answers. I say goodbye to you, I live the sadness of loss and separation. I give our past a place in my history. I say goodbye to you, as they say goodbye to childhood or summer, or a vacation at a resort.
This is how I lived my loss of you …
The relationship is over.
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