The Point Of Frustration In Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Every person in the period of falling in love has the illusion of an "ideal" relationship. My partner is the best, most kind and gentle, we have a wonderful relationship. It seems to many that this has never happened to them before, that this is the most "real feeling." Perhaps it is. But there comes a period that can be called the "point of disappointment." How to live this period and painlessly move from idealization to the reality of relationships and true love? The answers are in this article.

In childhood, every child has the illusion of the omnipotence and ideality of his parents, which persists until a certain age. Over time, the child realizes that parents are ordinary people, with shortcomings, their weaknesses, mistakes and negative emotions. At this point, the child realizes that he is unprotected and, in a sense, lonely.

When an adult enters into a relationship, the likely and inevitable fall of the partner from the pedestal can shock him even more than disappointment in his parents. We suddenly see all the shortcomings of a partner at a glance and can no longer justify our expectations with childish naivety. We can be disappointed in our ability to understand people, we regret the several months, years wasted … We feel that our heart is broken, and our expectations are not met.

Why do we initially have a desire to idealize relationships, and why do we endow our partner with qualities that are not in him?

The first reason, again, has to do with childhood. Disappointed in our parents, we will look for the ideal in a partner that we did not receive in childhood. The second reason has to do with the fact that with the “perfect” partner we feel safer, more secure, less lonely, and more satisfied. The third reason has to do with perfectionism. Perfectionists place unrealistic hopes on their partners, and if a relationship is established, then every disagreement, every conflict swells to enormous proportions and is experienced as a potential threat of breaking up the relationship.

The point of frustration is the turning point in a relationship. This is where one or both partners are deprived of the illusion of ideal love. Partners face a crisis of trust and a reassessment of themselves, the partner and the future of their relationship. This crisis can mean two options: either for these people, the relationship will be over, or true love will begin in their relationship. These relations will never be the same, they change and here a lot depends on both partners.

To understand if this is a relationship that is worth fighting for (and not parting with a partner), you need to realize what opportunities there are in these relationships. To do this, you need to recognize that both partners have shortcomings and start working on their improvements. When both partners agree and recognize their non-ideality, strive to correct flaws, they take the path of a harmonious, prosperous relationship. But this is not enough. Expectations from a partner should be as realistic as possible, otherwise they will lead to dissatisfaction and disappointment. When partners put up with each other's shortcomings, their lost illusions are replaced by loving reconciliation and acceptance. This does not happen overnight, but is achieved as the relationship develops. Reconciling, we do not forever agree with the shortcomings of the partner, but create a so-called situation of success, in which our partner can change for the better.

Do the following an exercise. It can be done alone or with a partner. Take an A4 sheet and divide it in half. Write down all of your shortcomings in one column. You can ask your partner, close and dear friends about this, add something from yourself. In the second column, write down all of your partner's flaws. Underline or highlight the flaws that are most difficult for you to put up with. See if there are any flaws in your partner that are related to your flaws that you do not recognize, or are you having a hard time agreeing with? These are the flaws that need to be dealt with first.

Unfortunately, we have a standard in our society that many are chasing. This standard is characterized by equality between the absence of conflicts and ideal harmony in relationships. Many partners, with high expectations, want a conflict-free relationship. Conflict-free relationships remind me of an overprotected child. Imagine that one newborn is placed in a sterile environment for one year. And another child developed in a natural environment, in normal conditions. As both children grow up, it can be assumed that the first newborn will be more vulnerable to disease, dirt, germs, and the second child will develop an immune system that will protect him. Conflicts between partners also develop resilience and create the "immune system" of the relationship. Conflict is a type of vaccination. When we inject a weakened virus into the body, it produces antibodies, which allows us to fight more serious viruses and diseases. By analogy, conflict helps a relationship to become more resilient, and to cope with more serious difficulties if they arise.

There can be many reasons for conflicts, so I offer you a universal technique that will help you get out of conflicts, come to a greater awareness of the causes of conflicts specifically in your relationship.

Technique "Awareness of reactions to conflict." If conflict builds up, be attentive to yourself and try to feel what is happening in you when your spouse speaks, thinks, expresses his thoughts, when he raises his voice to you or acts in one way or another. Where does your reaction come from? Maybe from a distant childhood? Does your spouse remind you of someone who was unpleasant to you or whom you feared as a child or adolescent? Or a parent with whom you have a difficult, incomprehensible relationship? Realization of this will help to react less in the future to criticism, remarks, intonation, any gestures of your partner. This technique is not easy, especially when emotions overwhelm you during a period of conflict or quarrel. To collect your thoughts, count to ten in your mind, or take a few deep breaths.

Conflict is very important for a long-term relationship. Psychologist John Gottman notes that experienced couples have five positive events for one negative event. That is, for one unpleasant look, an outburst of anger or irritation, there are five moments when both partners show feelings of love, respect and goodwill towards each other, show interest, affection. Of course, this figure is the average for most love affairs and can range from a ratio of 3: 1 to 10: 1. According to D. Gottman, the frivolity of the conflict or its absence means that the partners did not face important issues and disagreements, they avoid difficulties, run from confrontations, instead of learning from them. That is, they do not seek to get to know each other on a deeper level. Their relationship is "frozen."

You also need to be able to conflict, and here a lot depends on the partners. Conflict does not negatively affect relationships when partners separate the person from her behavior. When one partner tells the other that that "inattentive donkey" is a personal transition. And when a partner in the same situation says that he lacks attention and can even suggest how to fix this (for example, spend more time together for one evening or an hour a week) - this indicates paying attention to the behavior.

The point of disappointment is where we begin to see a partner's flaws, this is where we begin to compare our previous relationships with our current ones, or our former partners with the present, or our relationships and the relationships of others. And this does not always happen in favor of the present and ours. When partners begin to compare their relationship with other relationships, they forget about the benefits and merits of their couple. To prevent this from happening, you need to pay more attention to the positive aspects of the relationship. After all, there are so many good and pleasant things in them!