Marry Dad

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Here you live in your wonderful childhood and declare to everyone around that you will NEVER become a psychologist or teacher like a mother in your life. Because psychologists and educators are too correct (in adolescence = terrible) parents.

Then at 17, you swear that your man will NEVER be like dad. And the relationship in your family will NEVER be the same as in your parental. And no matter how you love your parents, all the same these "never" sound in your head.

And then N number of years pass, you get married … And then it dawns on you! As in cartoons, a light comes on over your head - you are a psychologist by training, like a mom, and your husband is incredibly similar in character to dad! But that is not all. You understand that now you are behaving like your mother. You, who in your life did not behave like this, and does not behave in such a way with others, in your family already repeat the painfully familiar model of parental communication …

It feels like the universe has taken and laughed at all of yours NEVER.

Well, that's all there is to it - most of us repeat the relationship from our parental family system. And many women choose their men based on the experience of communicating with their fathers. Some then, on the basis of their own choices, conclude that "all men are XXX", each has his own XXX. Some make men their dads. Someone, on the contrary, regrets that the husband does not look like his father …

But when we remain in an unlived relationship with our father and replace them with a real relationship with a man, problems arise in our own family. To resolve them, it is necessary to be aware of our communication model, the life scenario inherent in childhood, and unfinished experiences.

Why do we often repeat parenting relationships?

From the natural world

First, it's about ordinary learning. After all, from the very birth we observe a certain pattern of behavior. We learn relationships the same way we learn to walk and talk.

Also, imprinting or imprinting takes place. Anthropologists from the University of Durham, England, and the University of Wroclaw, Poland, have found that women who have had positive experiences with their fathers are more attracted to men whose faces have similar proportions to those of their fathers.

At the University of Texas at Austin, a study was conducted on the relationship between the appearance of parents and spouses. It found that children born in families of spouses belonging to different races are more likely to marry a partner of the same race as the parent of the opposite sex.

That is, "daddy's daughters" are more likely to be chosen even by their appearance in men similar to their fathers.

From the opposite

But what if the girl had a negative experience with her father. The situation develops from the opposite - she wanted her man to be different from her dad, but in the end her husband turns out to be paradoxically similar to her father. The mechanism of traumophilia is triggered here. If a person has experienced some kind of traumatic event in childhood, in an older age, he may unconsciously seek to correct the result. And for this it is necessary to return to the lived situation. For example, a girl lived with a drinking dad and really wanted him to recover from alcoholism, which did not happen. To end the situation, she will look for a husband who needs to be saved. It may not necessarily be alcoholism, but any other form of addiction. This model can also work with personality traits or communication style. Often times, it’s not possible to change the situation, and traumatic experiences only worsen.

Kingdom without a king

What happens if the father is not with the child at all? Then there are uncles, grandfathers, dads of friends. If there are no such men for some reason either, there is a collective image that the mother conveys to her daughter. This image is conveyed both verbally in stories and not verbally - through the mother's attitude to men in general and to the child's father in particular.

Reality

Our relationship is incredibly complex. We hardly choose a second "dad" for ourselves, although this happens, but we, no doubt, look back at the previous experience of all our relationships. And the image of the father, an example of communication with him, has a fairly large impact on further relationships with men.

What's good is that we can work on understanding and being aware of our life scenario, patterns of behavior and the problems we face. This means that we can choose our own path!