On Female Separation From Parental Figures

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In fact, the separation of the woman is not a prerequisite for a happy marriage, as much as the separation of the male from the mother, but of course it is a desirable condition. The prerequisites for a happy marriage are:

1. A man serapped from his mother. After all, such a man is difficult to manipulate and control, and such a man will not do it himself.
2. A woman, free from the introject (attitudes, beliefs, values), that she is incomplete without a man. That is, this is a woman who feels great both in a pair with a man and without him. After all, such a woman is difficult to manipulate and control. And such a woman will not do it herself.

And, nevertheless, let us return to the topic of female separation, as many of my readers ask to tell about this process.

In fact, the separation process is much more difficult for girls. Why?

! The boy is identified with his mother before adolescence, and in adolescence he will have to separate from the mother's figure and identify with the figure of the father. Everything is so simple here.

! The girl is identified with her mother in childhood. She has to separate from her, get closer to her father, fall in love with him, separate from her father and re-identify herself as a woman in adolescence, when the mother becomes her friend. It is assumed that the dad has already released and blessed the girl for relationships with boys. But alas, not every girl successfully passes such a difficult path.

Again, as in the separation of the boy from the mother, the girl can be overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, shame for her sexuality and fear of losing parental love.

Let's first see what happens to a woman if she is not separated from her father. One of the options for her fate: she will look for a husband of her father's type. This is the type of male boss, dictator, slave owner. She will tolerate his despotism, his devaluation and power over her, as he is for her a great dad, a status man. Or she will find herself a weaker man and will constantly compare him with her father and will demand from him to fulfill his paternal functions in relation to her, devaluing her in the inadequacy of his paternity in relation to her, until he completely turns into her very-aged son. The psychological age of such a woman is 5-7 years. This is a girl seduced by her father, not necessarily physically, but maybe emotionally.

Her father may be completely unhappy with all of her chosen ones. He becomes dissatisfied with her in adolescence, when she already begins to pay attention to boys, and not to dad, and dad does not at all realize that she is jealous of her daughter for every boy she meets. He controls the time of her return home from dates, and if she is 5 minutes late, he will punish her with contempt and reproaches. He will convince her, still innocent, that she is a whore. As my father told me to a little girl who looked out the window, as a couple kissed on the street: "I will not let my name drag through the bushes."

Alas, this is an immature teenage dad who is completely unaware of his sexual attraction to his daughter. A girl in adolescence blooms, her breasts grow, her figure takes shape and she becomes very attractive and sexy, especially against the background of her mother who has already stepped on the path of wilting.

And here the most interesting thing begins: the mother unconsciously envies her daughter and if her envy is toxic, she begins to devalue, criticize, or climbs up to her, almost into the intimate zone, in order to relive that sweetness of the time when excitement captures the young body entirely and when you don't want to think about anything except romance and love. And if the mother chose this path, then she strengthens control, demands from her daughter the details of her relationship with the boy. Becomes obsessively involved in daughter's problems, reads her diary, checks the phone.

Meanwhile, dad, seeing how a young female body blooms before his eyes, cannot cope with his sexual arousal, which he does not realize, and then he begins to either move away from his daughter and demonstrate coldness and indifference to her, or beats his daughter, never touching her physically. In this case, the girl is subjected to a double attack at the moment when it is time for her to separate from her parents. This is how both immature and unconscious parents punish their daughter for her sexuality and beauty. At this moment, she feels bad and alone. And this is the first obstacle that a girl encounters on her way in the process of separation from her parents.

Further, she can not help but seduce men, leaving them almost immediately, as soon as she receives proof of her own attractiveness and sexuality. The second scenario is that the girl will turn into a blue stocking, into an absolutely squeezed and notorious creature about her own sexuality. She will always be ashamed during sex, because she is not in the process of intimate contact, in fact, but outside of it she watches a movie in which the only focus of attention is “how I look now, is my posture and my body beautiful enough.. not funny Do I look now - she thinks during sex.. And of course what kind of orgasm is there?.. She will imitate it rather, so that the man believes in her sexuality and does not become disappointed in her and does not abandon her for her inability to surrender to him. She does not love her body and cannot use it well enough, since her mother and father made her understand that her sexuality is dangerous for both of them.

In order to be separated from her father, a girl must stop relying on him, free herself from the illusion that there is a man in the world who will make her happy, stop believing that a man should become her support, a guarantor of stability, a source of financial resources. Because for this you will have to pay dearly with your freedom and forever close the path of growing up for yourself. This position of a woman leads her into a codependent relationship. Therefore, any woman should never agree to the maintenance of a man, even if he promises it to her. She should always have her own money, her own resources, on which she relies in case a man says “no” to her. She simply has to disconnect the meaning of love from the meaning of money. To understand that a man's money is his resources and he does not owe her anything and will always dispose of his resources as he wants. And his money is his power over a woman. Therefore, the first thing that is important for a woman's maturity is her source of income. Always!

A woman should look at her father soberly as an immature guy who could not cope with his sexual attraction to her and began to control her, be jealous, or even beat her or pulled away from her at the moment when she was most needed to tell her: “You beautiful and the boys like you so much, and I will be very happy if you find yourself someone whom you will sincerely love.. I bless you for adulthood...

She should take responsibility for her life upon herself and not allow any man to push her around and enslave herself, but to look at a man as an equal - someone who at some point can be both strong and weak, who can say to her both "yes" and "no" and to the one who, in essence, owes nothing to her and to whom she does not owe anything. And she has every right to say "yes" and "no" to a man.

In a relationship with a man, a woman separated from her father does everything not out of guilt and fear of loss, but out of love and only out of love. She will not go to bed with a man, forcing herself with fear of loss and guilt, she will not cook soup, falling off her feet from fatigue. She will simply say to the man calmly: "I cannot take care of you today."

Here's an example of what rejections look like in a mature couple:

Day 1: Husband: "Honey, what do we have for dinner today?" Wife: "Nothing, I have been working all day today.. I'm very tired, dear." Husband: “Good. Then I'll cook buckwheat, will you eat with me? I will feed you too."

Day 2: Wife: "My sun, give me a massage, my neck hurts something." Husband: “Oh, no. I had a difficult day today. I would like to be a little bit alone. " Wife: “Ok. Understand. I'll sign up for a massage tomorrow at the salon."

This is how the life of a separated man and woman looks like. They do everything for each other solely out of love and nothing out of violence.

Now there is one more stage in the separation of the woman. From the mother.

If a boy needs to be separated from his mother - from the parent of the opposite sex (and this is much more logical and simpler), then the girl also needs to separate herself from the parent of the same gender (this is a huge difficulty). She needs to become an adult, separating herself from her mother and entering the circle of women equal to herself.

But how to do that? As a rule, a girl makes attempts even in adolescence, devaluing her mother, trying to defeat her in the competition for intelligence, beauty, attractiveness, etc. (daughter) is smarter, more beautiful, more talented, more successful, but on the contrary joins in competition with her daughter, then the girl's chances of separating are minimal. Such a mother quite despotically shows her daughter that she is nothing in comparison with her, that she knows nothing, can do nothing, and the worst thing is when the mother also devalues her daughter's appearance in order to finally defeat her. She will prove to her daughter that without maternal advice and criticism, the daughter will not cope with anything in life, that she will not take place without her mother. The mother makes herself incredibly important in the eyes of her daughter and the moment comes when the daughter begins to believe in her helplessness. And this is the most terrible moment in the fate of a woman.. if she decides to escape from such a mother, then she runs to marry a man who continues to undermine the woman's faith in herself, devaluing and "diminishing" her in the same way as she did her the mother, or the woman herself, presents the man with the demands of a small child, disliked by the mother.

Such a woman will not be very interested in sexual relations with a man, and will probably hide her disinterest for the time being - she is tuned in only to tenderness and bodily affection.. She is hungry for maternal love and will complain that the man is inattentive to her, does not love her enough her, does not compliment her.. she simply cannot build a mature relationship with a man, for the reason that he is destined for the role of a mother in her script. But sooner or later, the man will rebel and give up the role of mother for his wife. And if a man himself is not separated from his mother (90% of cases), then he will also want her to become his mother and a war of two babies will begin, in which each will try to grab the mother's nipple with a hungry mouth from the other and get enough milk of love. But alas. This leads to sibling competition in which the lack of love becomes an attempt by each partner to patch the hole, pit, funnel of childhood trauma.

Another insidious maneuver of mothers, preventing the separation of the girl from the mother. Mom gradually "enrolls" in her daughter to her own daughter. Such a mother does not see a child in her daughter, but immediately loads her with adult responsibility, including for her life and health. She seems to be a friend of her daughter, but under this guise of a friend hides a small, traumatized, disliked child of her mother, who gave birth to a daughter and made her her own mother. And such a woman, who adopted her own mother, will be tied by the umbilical cord of guilt and fear of loss to her mother, and this is a big trap for a girl from which only an increase in healthy aggressiveness and the construction of the same notorious boundaries with her mother will help to get out. Such a daughter should say an important thing to her mother: "I am your daughter, and you are my mother and not vice versa."

How can a woman be separated from her mother? Almost the same as a man. You don't need to succumb to manipulation and the guilt that your mom instills in you. Build boundaries with your mom, say no and stop. Don't let her invade your family life and influence your choices and decisions. Get out of the competitive relationship with your mother. Understand that your mom, by making you insecure and helpless, really wants to feel important and needed by you. But if this is a lot for you, stop the mother and do not get fooled by her manipulations. If you succeed, build boundaries and load your mom with different tasks so that she feels important and valuable to you. For example: tie my mommy socks for the winter, dry my mommy with chamomile and mint … and so on. And praise her for her help to you. But by no means let us invade your adult life.

Both men and women should remember that children do not owe their parents anything. The energy of love that they received from dads and moms needs to be passed on to their children. What about parents? If there is love for them.. give them it.. but if you don’t feel it.. you don’t have to get it out of yourself forcibly. Separation from your parents is considered successful when you are no longer angry with your parents, although they continue to do the same as in childhood, when you stop raping yourself, in order not to lose contact with them and with your marriage partners and for the sake of not feeling guilty.

As you can see, the separation process in women is much more complicated and dramatic than in men.