Symbiotic Relationship, Or Lost Self

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Current relationships with people are a replay of our relationships with members of the parental family, or the result of their absence.

In life, a lot comes from the family. A sense of security grows out of it, the ability to trust people, peace of mind in contact with them, and most importantly - without them. Today, the problem of codependent, or, in other words, symbiotic relationships is the main cause of depression, difficulties in building relationships and even panic attacks.

The symbiosis in relationships is manifested by the fact that their participants do not feel like full-fledged personalities outside of relations with each other, but in relationships they cannot feel comfort either, because they are more focused on "replenishing" their own personality than on each other. And both are not to blame for this, which means that they cannot get out on their own. So the "swing" continues - with long heartfelt conversations, partings and convergence. What to do with this suitcase without a handle?

To understand whether there is a way out of codependent relationships, you need to understand how personalities prone to symbiosis are formed.

In a healthy family system, there is unconditional love for the child. It is strong and absolute, but it does not provide for eternal control, fusion and anxiety. It means, first of all, a mood. Mood is a good contact with oneself in the process of contact with a child. The tuned parent closely observes the child, responds to his reactions and gives the child the opportunity to learn. In the most common version, parents are so loaded with imperfect reality and problems that they make decisions based on their own worries and fears, books and advice from other people. As a result, in the process of upbringing, there is little child and a lot of parental anxiety. Children are prone to self-centeredness (and this is the norm), therefore, regardless of whether you are worried about work or your child's safety, he will explain it to himself as his own fault.

There are times in the life of a child and a mother when such a close relationship is normal. For example, infancy. For a long time, mother and child were literally one. That is due to the general hormonal background, the mode of sleep and wakefulness, nutrition … The child was born - and this connection was cut off.

This is the first separation - bodily. Separation occurs, but the mother still has a completely natural need to shelter the child from the whole world. Its main function is to give the child the opportunity to learn basic things: to scream or cry when hungry or wants to feel the warmth of mother's skin, to fulfill natural needs and to experience basic emotions from satisfaction or dissatisfaction of their needs. In other words, to be, to exist. If the mother is led by anxiety and does not allow the child to complete the task of the first separation, the child cannot separate further and is forced to remain connected with the mother's anxiety.

If the mother goes through this very first stage of separation, the child feels good about his body and knows how to manage it according to age - he can give a signal that he needs something and survive the temporary absence of the parent nearby (important - temporary!). If the mother tries to anticipate the baby's needs and feeds him not when he is hungry, but when her anxiety that he is hungry becomes unbearable - he cannot recognize his needs and does not have to look for a way to satisfy them.

An important role in separation at this stage is played by the presence of an alternative object of attachment - a father or grandmother, for example. Then the child's world is not limited to the mother, and he learns to give signals not only to the mother, but also to other people.

The second stage of separation is three years. At this age, the child has a feeling of omnipotence and he begins to explore the world on his own. The main task of this stage is to learn how to do a lot yourself. The parent's level of anxiety increases - the child becomes mobile, and it is more and more difficult to keep him in a safe zone. Mom and Dad must deal with this anxiety and limit the child's cognitive interest to his safety. The task of this stage of separation is to develop a clearer sense of self, not only physical, but also emotional (my mother's emotions are not my emotions), as well as to form a basic sense of responsibility, which is possible only with independent activity.

At the age of three, the child learns basic independence, learns to get in touch with reality and be aware of time, space and other people. If parents understand the importance of this stage, they deal with their anxiety and provide the baby with healthy independence (washing, eating, tying shoelaces) - the child can feel safe taking the first steps in new activities. In the future, this is an adult who can make decisions and be effective in the absence of another person. If parental anxiety has won, then becoming an adult, such a person will be able to work and do something only in a relationship with another.

Actually, it is these two stages of separation that form the propensity for symbiosis. What do we get at the output? Inability to be without another person (failed first separation) or to do something (second). And this is expressed by a number of signs: the presence of any kind of dependence, the inability to distinguish between one's own and others' feelings, a constant feeling of guilt, the need to make everyone happy and intolerance of other people's discontent, difficulties with personal boundaries, the life of a "victim", the inability to have trusting and close relationships, the inability to feel comfortable outside relationships, inability to make independent decisions, inability to take care of oneself, idealization and inevitable disappointment, low self-esteem, black and white thinking, justification of injustice towards oneself.

Symbiotic relationships are based on feelings. The most powerful of these is fear. Then - wine. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. When I work with symbiosis in relationships, I start with them. Adult children talk about a constant feeling of guilt for not meeting parental expectations and the fear of losing them. And this is a really important feeling - it helps to cope with the fear of loneliness, which lasts all your life. In the process of work, the client often comes to the conclusion that he is used to feeling not his own fear and anxiety, but his parent, and therefore today cannot distinguish between his own and others' feelings. He lives with a constant fantasy about the reasons for the lack of joy in other people and, like a child, explains this by his mistakes. And he feels guilty. If you dig deeper, there may be resentment for the inability to make an attempt to do something on your own, pain from an unmet need (for example, hunger in infancy), or anger at not being allowed to finish the most important child's business.

Looking through the eyes of an adult, you can tell that this is nonsense or the parents were busy. But believe me, if you could say something at 5 months, when you were screaming from hunger, and received water, you would reason differently. Because when we have a need, this is the most important thing in life. And the lack of an opportunity to satisfy her is a disaster. A child of three to five years old can deal with this more easily, because he has words to describe his discomfort and ask questions. The baby has only screaming and crying. And he's not talking about understanding or guilt. He talks about pain or anger. And these are no less important feelings than guilt or shame. Working out these feelings allows you to free yourself from them and relieve tension in the so-called "places of separation" - the corners of the subconscious, where the consequences of our past experience lie. This is how you learn to separate your real feelings from those of others, and to separate the fantasies of other people's needs from reality.

Further, in order for the absence of old life strategies (the inability to please other people and the feeling of guilt for their lack of a smile) not to be sheer torture, new strategies will have to be formed. What happens by realizing your needs and analyzing ways to meet them. In this process, the awareness of oneself "grows" physically and psychologically (the tasks of separation are performed).

Being in a codependent relationship is usually accompanied by a feeling of inadequacy outside of a relationship with another person. The other is needed as an addition, felt physically. In the process of increasing the amount of oneself in oneself, the other becomes a pleasant addition, but not a drug, not an air without which it is impossible. This is what a healthy relationship looks like - attachment and value without addiction. And this is possible only when you are 100% yourself.