2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Recently, a letter came to my mail from the mother of a 10-year-old girl who shows disrespect to her parents, is rude, snaps, and can scream. Mom writes that the more she punishes her, the worse the situation gets. Let's speculate why this happens in the family, and answer the rhetorical question: what to do about it?
As a rule, children learn from the examples they see in their family. Many parents believe that children SHOULD treat their parents with respect, but they themselves do not show the respect they deserve. Punishment is a parent's way of showing disrespect to a child. What to do, not punish at all? And if the child says: “I hate you” “it would be better if you weren't there,” and if he is angry with his parents?
Let's take a look at these situations. When a child says he hates his parents, the parents are outraged. If parents are attentive, they will notice that such phrases are not spoken regularly, but in some specific situations. That parents are beginning to respond to such intense emotions? “You can't tell your parents like that!”, “Stop thinking like that!”. And this is a ban on the feelings of a child, their rejection, devaluation. The child does not feel that he has been understood. Behind these feelings there may be some other feelings (and this, as a rule, happens) - resentment, anger at the parents. It is important for parents to understand this. What happened before the child uttered this phrase, what feelings he might experience, what situation preceded this. And if the parent was wrong about something, let the child feel it. “Have I offended you? Sorry Please. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to be hurt by you. Can we try it differently? When a child feels understood and accepted, it is easier for him to hear the parent and build relationships.
It is also important to find the source of the problem. This can be the child's poor health, problems at school, or the teenage crisis the child is in. If the parent has found the source of the problem, it is important to understand what can be done about it - support the child in a crisis, pay more attention to him, spend more quality time with him, help deal with school or relationships with friends.
Rudeness is a violation of boundaries. Parents need to build these boundaries in order to make it clear to the child that this cannot be done with them. You can say the following phrases:
“When you are disrespectful to me, I will leave the room. When you calm down, I will be ready to listen to you."
“You are obviously upset right now. I hate it when you talk to me like that. We can talk about it later when we both calm down."
"It is a pity that you say so, I am ready to help you when you express your request in a different way."
"In our family, no one is rude to another."
After one of these phrases has been uttered, it is important for the parent to make it clear to the child that he is serious about maintaining this rule in their relationship. If the parent says he will leave the room, then he will leave. If he says that no one in the family is rude to others, then he himself should be attentive to his speech, intonations, words. The child can (and will!) Test this rule for strength. It will take time and patience for this rule to "take root" in the family, to become one of the values of the family.
If the child continues to be rude, does not hear the parent's phrases, the parent needs to start introducing the consequences. These can be all sorts of restrictions, deprivation of privileges. If the child insists on his own, the parent should remind him of what he has done and stand his ground so that the child can feel the consequences of his behavior on himself and conclude: this should not be done. It is important for a parent not to forget about the respectful attitude towards the child, not to respond in kind - with rudeness. If the child's behavior improves, you can return his privileges back to him.
Punishment is an easy way to lose parental authority. Punishment is a humiliating measure that destroys the foundation of trust between a child and a parent.
Building boundaries is a manifestation of respect for each family member and for yourself. Accepting your child's feelings is a way to show your love for them.
The choice is, of course, for each parent. Which side of the scales outweighs you?
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