All Happy Relationships Have These 12 Things In Common

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Video: All Happy Relationships Have These 12 Things In Common

Video: All Happy Relationships Have These 12 Things In Common
Video: Who’s spying on you 🙏 2024, March
All Happy Relationships Have These 12 Things In Common
All Happy Relationships Have These 12 Things In Common
Anonim

American journalist Mark Manson asked his readers, who have been married for over 10 years, for some tips on marriage. Approximately 1,500 people responded. They are from different countries, of different ages and status, but the most interesting thing is that their answers always had something in common. Therefore, if you are wondering how to build a strong relationship, what you need to do so that your marriage does not fall apart after the first quarrel, we advise you to carefully read this material. People who have been married for 10, 20 or even 40 years have a lot of experience behind them, are ready to share with you.

1. Be Together for Good Reasons

Never live with someone under duress. The first time I got married because I grew up in a Catholic family and was obliged to do it for religious reasons, but this was a mistake. The second time I got married was because I felt unhappy and alone. I thought that with the advent of a loving wife, my life would change. This was also wrong. It took me three tries to figure out what was obvious from the beginning: the only reason you should live with a person is love. It's that simple

- Greg

Before we talk about how to behave in a relationship, you need to determine what you shouldn't do. Therefore, Manson asked his readers, who were married more than once, to write what they did wrong. When did it all go wrong? The most common answer is "lived with the person for the wrong reasons."

Here are some of the main ones:

  • due to pressure from friends and family;
  • because of loneliness, they felt like failures and agreed to a relationship with the first person they met;
  • because of the image, because a couple is pretty cute (on paper or photo)
  • by youth, naivety and being in love (they thought that love could solve all problems).

In order for a relationship to "work", that is, to bring happiness to both, you need to truly admire each other. Without this, they will fall apart.

Love itself is neutral. This is what can be healthy and unhealthy, useful or harmful, depending on why and how you love someone, for what and how they love you. Love alone is not enough to keep the relationship from breaking down.

2. Expect real from the relationship

Starting to build relationships with the idea that life is "And they lived happily ever after," as a result, leads to disappointment. And all because people expected something unreal from the relationship, and when they realized this, they think that the relationship has "served" its purpose, and they need to be broken off. But the point is, it’s not like that.

There will be more than one day in life with a taste of bitterness when you wake up in bed and, seeing your partner, think: "Are you still here ?!" But it normal. Because in a day, week or month, looking at this person, you will be overwhelmed by a giant wave of love. This pleasant sensation will overwhelm you, and it will seem that you are about to explode.

Romantic love is a trap that makes two people close their eyes to each other's flaws for a while. It usually lasts several years. Therefore, after it disappears, you need to understand that you have tied yourself to the person you respect and with whom you like to be around. Without this understanding, everything will collapse.

3. The most important factor in a relationship is respect, not communication

When Mark Manson and his assistant looked through the hundreds of responses they received, they noticed an interesting trend. People who have gone through a divorce and / or have been with their partners for 10-15 years almost always claimed that communication is the most important condition for everything to work. Speak often. Speak openly. Talk about everything, even if it hurts.

But they also noticed that people who have been married for 20, 30 or 40 years talked about respect. The bottom line is that these people, having vast experience, realized that communication, regardless of the degree of openness, frankness and discipline, will sooner or later stop working anyway.

Only one thing can save you and your partner - unshakable respect for each other, faith in each other, sometimes even stronger than in yourself, the belief that your partner is set out completely in a difficult situation.

In addition, you must respect yourself. Just like your partner should respect himself. Because without self-respect, you will feel unworthy of the respect your partner has for you. You will not want to accept respect and will look for ways to devalue it.

You will constantly feel the need to compensate and prove to yourself that you are worthy of love, and this only gives the opposite effect.

4. Talk openly about everything, especially the things that hurt you

If you are concerned about a relationship, you should talk about it. Trust will emerge, and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it. No one else will fix your relationship.

With respect comes trust. Most remember him in the context of jealousy and fidelity - let your partner go somewhere, do not fall into uncertainty or anger when you see him talking to someone, and so on.

The key to establishing and maintaining trust is to keep both partners open and vulnerable:

  • if something gnaws at you, tell about it. This is important not only for solving problems, but also to prove to your partner that you have nothing to hide;
  • are there things you don't want to tell anyone about? Tell your partner about this;
  • make promises and keep them. The only way to truly regain lost trust is through a series of fulfilled promises.
  • learn to distinguish your partner's strange behavior from your own cockroaches in your head (and vice versa).

5. Healthy partners - healthy relationships

A healthy and happy relationship requires two healthy and happy personalities. The key word is personalities. That is, two people, each of whom retains his individuality, his interests, aspirations and activities that she is engaged in in her personal time.

Never change yourself for your partner. It will come out sideways and cause suffering for both of you. Be yourself, and more importantly, let your partner be you. After all, at first it was these two people who fell in love with each other.

- Dave

6. Give your partner space

One of the most popular topics in the letters was reflections on the importance of creating space and separating from each other.

People sing the praises of segregated bank accounts and credit cards, their own friends, hobbies, and annual leave alone. But some are afraid to give their partner freedom and independence. This is due to a lack of trust and / or a fear that if you give your partner too much space, they will no longer want to be together. As a rule, the more we want to be appreciated and loved, the more we try to control our partner.

But this inability to let your partner be himself is a subtle form of disrespect.

7. You and your partner will grow and change unpredictably. Deal with it

Couples who have been married for more than 20 years most often talked about how much a person changes after decades, and how willing the partner is to accept these changes.

If the basis of all relationships is respect for the interests and values of a partner, and it is natural for each person to develop and improve, then it is logical that over time each of you will change in its own way, unpredictably. Therefore, within each pair, communication is very important, you must:

a) be aware of what changes are taking place with your partner;

b) be ready to accept and respect these changes.

It sounds simple, but sometimes your soul will break. That is why it is necessary to be able to quarrel correctly.

8. Learn to quarrel

Almost every one of the 1,500 letters mentions successful conflict resolution. Reader tips include:

  • do not allow yourself to be personally insulted;
  • do not carry past arguments / conflicts into an argument. It will not change anything and will only double the odds;
  • if things get too hot, give yourself a chance to catch your breath. Step away for a while and come back when emotions subside;
  • remember that “being right” is not as important as making both people feel heard and respected.

But all this makes another important point mandatory: first of all, be prepared for a quarrel.

9. Learn to forgive

There is no such thing as winning a fight in marriage - Bill

When two independent personalities lead a life together, they will necessarily have different values, different views on some things, and they will conflict on this basis. The main thing is not to try to change the other person, but to try to preserve the differences and, despite them, love each other, and be able to forgive when the situation reaches the extreme.

Choose your quarrel wisely. You and your partner will have to fight many more times, so make sure you do it because of something really important.

10. Happiness is made up of little things

If you don't set aside time for lunch, walks, and going out to restaurants or the movies, you will be just roommates. The most important thing is to stay together through the ups and downs. Eventually, your children will grow up, your intolerable brother-in-law will go to a monastery, and your parents will die. When this happens, guess who will be left? Your one and only

- Brian

In about half of the answers, in one form or another, a simple but very important piece of advice appeared: never forget the little things. They are of great importance.

Such simple things as saying "I love you" to each other before bed, holding hands while watching a movie, doing nice little things. This becomes especially important when children are born. So remember to put your marriage first.

Today in our society, children are worshiped, and sacrifice is expected from parents in everything. But if you want to raise obedient and healthy children, keep your marriage healthy and happy. Good kids won't make your marriage that way. A good marriage will help raise good children. So take care of your marriage first.

- Susan

11. Sex Matters … It Matters

Different couples perceived sex differently, but the main idea was the same everywhere: both partners should be sexually satisfied, and the more often this happens, the better.

12. Be rational and set the rules for your relationship

Human relationships are imperfect due to the fact that people are also imperfect. They want different things at different times and achieve it in different ways. Find out what you do best, what you love, and what you hate to do, and based on this, agree with your soul mate.

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