2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Announcement: The article will focus on clients, who are usually called schizoids in clinical terminology. I will write about them using the metaphor of frozenness as one of the forms of psychological death.
To describe and analyze such clients, I turn to the Russian fairy tale "Morozko".
I am perfectly aware that any text involves many interpretations, in this article I offer a psychological analysis of the above-named fairy tale, considering its content as a possible family situation, and its heroine as a result of this kind of situation.
I share my experience and thoughts on working with this kind of clients.
I am a trembling creature
Or do I have the right?
F. M. Dostoevsky
- Are you warm, girl?
Is it warm for you, red?
She breathes a little breath:
- Warmth, Morozushko, warm, father.
Fairy tale "Frost".
Little Man was born…
It is very important how it is received here. His vital need for acceptance is addressed to the immediate environment - first of all, to his parents. These people become insignificant for non-legal matters, and on how much they are ready to respond and satisfy this need of the Little Man, his future life will largely depend. The very existence of vitally significant people is the basis for the emergence of his vital identity and the feeling "I am".
- Do I have the right to be myself? - this is what a child's need for acceptance sounds like. And not all parents can fully ensure the satisfaction of this need.
In my opinion, there are 3 levels of parental acceptance of children. I will designate them as a metaphor:
You have no right to be …
You deserve to be if …
You are who you are, and that's great!
Each level will correspond to a certain type of identity:
Vital identity level;
The level of social identity, or if-identity;
The level of individual identity.
I will dwell on them in more detail:
You have no right to be … (Vital identity level). In this case, the need voiced above - Do I have the right to be myself? - stops at the level "Do I have the right to be?" Here we are dealing with a life-threatening environment that denies the Little Man's right to exist. In life, such a situation arises if a child is an orphan, or even lives with a parent who is psychologically weak in this system and has no weight. It is also possible to imagine a situation where both parents have a weak vital identity. Socially cowardly. They usually arm their children with the following introject messages: “Keep your head down,” “Be patient and it will be rewarded,” etc.
You deserve to be if … (The level of social identity, or if-identity). We will accept you if you are what we want. We need you for some of our purposes. Here we are dealing with an unsupported self-identity evaluating environment.
“You have the right to be” - this is the difference between the message of this level from the previous one. This certainly provides more options for the Little Human than the level described above. But at the same time it introduces a number of conditions for its existence. If you know these conditions well and adapt to them, then you can somehow adapt to the environment, even create a good social identity and be socially successful.
However, a good social identity does not overlap a vital one. You have the right to be, but in order to be accepted and loved, you need to give up yourself. An example of this would be narcissistically organized individuals.
Narcissists actively build up their social identity. But no matter how hard the narcissist tries, no matter what social heights he reaches, his identity remains an "if-identity" - an unloved child deeply lives in him, stubbornly and unsuccessfully trying to gain recognition in the hope that recognition will satisfy his hunger for acceptance and love.
The narcissist is not able to rely on himself, he always remains dependent on the opinion, assessment of the Other, since the Other determines the quality of his self-feeling, self-sensation, self-being. As one of my colleagues put it metaphorically, "The meat has grown over a fragile skeleton." In situations with a potential rejection, devaluation, a client with a failed vital identity may actualize feelings of helplessness, loss of control over the situation, up to panic attacks. All of my clients with panic attacks have had vital identity problems. Describing their state at such moments, they say that "the ground is leaving underfoot", "support is lost", "as if you are falling swiftly into a deep abyss", "As if you are descending a staircase in the dark and there is no step" …
A few words about the difference between clients with a problematic vital identity and narcissists. Narcissists replace acceptance with recognition, they chase it in every possible way. And for clients with failed vital identities, survival is vital. If the narcissist believes that something needs to be done, to appear, to manifest, and you will be noticed, appreciated, loved, these clients are convinced that any appearance-manifestation is unsafe for life. Both there and there the other is necessary, but for the narcissist the other must be charmed in order to deserve his admiration, for this - not to anger. The leading feeling in contact here is fear and its result is mental freezing.
And if the narcissist is ashamed to be himself, then the schizoid is afraid to be himself. As a result, if shame prevents the narcissist from meeting himself, then for the client with a problematic vital identity, such a feeling is fear.
You are who you are, and that's great! (Level of individual identity) A type of identity that is rare in our narcissistically organized society. Representatives of this type of identity are capable of a high degree of self-acceptance, self-support, self-assessment. As you know, ego functions are derived from relationships. The aforementioned ego functions - self-support, self-acceptance, self-esteem - are the result of good external support, acceptance, evaluation. And the original message from the environment is that you are who you are, and that's great! - transforms over time into - I am what I am, and that's great!
The type of identity is derived from the highlighted levels of attachment and characterizes the quality of a person's life and the quality of his contacts with the World, Others, and himself.
This article will focus on the level of vital identity. This level is basic for the formation of the next two, which are built on top of it. Fixing a person at this level leads to serious psychological problems. In fact, here we are dealing with a variant of psychological death within the framework of physical life.
As an illustration of a client with a problematic vital identity, I will use the image of a stepdaughter from the Russian folk tale Morozko
The content of the tale conveys well the qualities of the environment in which the grandfather's daughter grew up - depreciating, rejecting.
Everyone knows how to live with a stepmother: if you turn over - a bit and you will not trust - a bit. And his own daughter does whatever he does - pat on the head for everything: she is clever.
The stepdaughter also fed and watered the cattle, carried firewood and water into the hut, stoked the stove, the chalk hut - even before daylight … You can't please the old woman - everything is not so, everything is bad. At least the wind will make a noise, but it will calm down, but the old woman disperses - it will not calm down soon.
The stepmother in this family system is the dominant member, she has all the power in this system, all her desires are the law for the rest.
So the stepmother came up with the idea of squeezing her stepdaughter out of the light.
- Take her, take her, old man, - he says to her husband, - where you want my eyes not to see her! Take her to the forest, into the bitter frost.
The fabulous "to squeeze from the light" in reality is a metaphor and literally means the following message - "You have no right to be!"
The own father in this system is weak, does not have any power, and the child cannot rely on him. Although he is the receiving figure in the fairy tale - his own father - he cannot give the child the function of support, since he himself has a failed vital identity - he has no right to be himself, to declare his desires. Even the dog in this system has more rights.
- Tyaf, tyaf! The old man's daughter is in gold, in silver they are taken, but the old woman is not married.
The old woman threw pancakes to her and beat her, the dog - all her own …
Confirmation of this is his reaction to the instructions of his wife.
The old man lost his temper, began to cry, but there was nothing to do, you couldn't argue with a woman. Harnessed the horse:
- Sit down, my dear daughter, in the sleigh.
He took the homeless woman into the forest, dumped in a snowdrift under a large spruce and left.
Left alone in the winter forest, the girl meets another character of the fairy tale - Morozko. The content of her conversation with him fully reveals her absolute insensitivity to herself, her inability to declare herself. Frosty seems to be trying to find the line beyond which there is life, but in vain - it is deeply hidden behind a thick layer of ice.
The girl sits under the spruce, trembles, chills through her. Suddenly he hears - not far off, Morozko crackles through the trees, jumps from tree to tree, clicks. He found himself on the spruce under which the girl sits, and from above asks her:
- Are you warm, girl?
She breathes a little breath:
- Warmth, Morozushko, warmth, father.
Morozko began to descend lower, crackles more, clicks:
- Are you warm, girl? Is it warm for you, red?
She breathes a little breath:
- Warmth, Morozushko, warmth, father.
Morozko went down even lower, cracked more, clicked harder:
- Are you warm, girl? Is it warm for you, red? Is it warm for you, honey?
The girl began to ossify, moving her tongue a little:
- Oh, warm, dear Morozushko!
In the picture of the girl's world, the conviction is deeply seated that physical survival in this world is possible only by rejecting her I, her desires, needs, feelings. "You are not important, you have to be comfortable for others!" This belief is the result of her entire previous life. And this situation once again confirms, strengthens her in the correctness of this belief. Moreover, she not only physically survives thanks to her strategy, but is also richly rewarded.
The old man went into the forest, arrives at the place where his daughter sits under a large spruce, cheerful, ruddy, in a sable coat, all in gold and silver, and around - a box with rich gifts.
The old woman's daughter demonstrates a completely different behavior. Her reactions to the situation are adequate to this situation. She is an example of an authentic person, adequate to both external and internal reality.
The old woman's daughter is sitting, chatting with her teeth. And Morozko crackles through the forest, jumps from tree to tree, clicks, looks at the old woman's daughter:
- Are you warm, girl?
And she told him:
- Oh, it's cold! Don't creak, don't crack, Frost …
Morozko began to descend lower, crackling more, clicking:
- Are you warm, girl? Is it warm for you, red?
- Oh, hands, feet are frozen! Go away, Morozko …
Morozko went down even lower, hit it harder, crackled, clicked:
- Are you warm, girl? Is it warm for you, red?
- Oh, completely chilled! Get lost, get lost, damned Frost!
She is honest with herself and with Morozko, unlike the previous girl, but paradoxically, her truthfulness works against her.
It turns out that being authentic is socially disadvantageous and even dangerous. Here, in this example, the social motives of fairy tales are very clearly traced. The tale fulfills a social order, and in most of the tales there are vivid anti-individual messages. The social message of fairy tales is that the public is much more important than the individual. This is how the system takes care of itself, recreating obedient, comfortable members.
Morozko got angry and so enough that the old woman's daughter ossified.
The image of Morozko personifies a social message and fears for disobedience. To be accepted in society, you must give up yourself.
PSYCHOLOGICAL PORTRAIT OF A CLIENT WITH A PROBLEM VITAL IDENTITY:
The leading feature of such clients is the increased importance of the Other, reaching the point of abandoning one's own I in favor of the Other, which is based on fear of the other.
Let's go back to our tale. The end of this tale, like most others, is just the end of the Tale, but not the end of life.
We leave our heroine at the moment of her reward for her tolerance and sacrifice.
The old man's daughter is in gold, they are being carried in silver …
But if you do not put an end here and set a forecast for her future life, then it is unlikely that it will be positive. How can she manage the wealth that literally fell on her in such an unexpected way? After all, the heroine not only did not change as a result of this fabulous event, but even more firmly established herself in her picture of the world, where her I and its manifestations have no place.
THERAPY
In my practice, the clients described most often dealt with co-dependency problems in relationships and with anxiety attacks.
In both cases, we are talking about the inability to self-support, the lack of a sense of support under the feet. I described a person's experiences in a panic attack situation above, they are very eloquent. In life, these clients try to compensate for their lack of basic acceptance and lack of support by striving to control the world.
In the case of codependency, such support is sought elsewhere. That is why, despite all the complexity, and sometimes the tragedy of the relationship, it is impossible for the codependent to leave the Other.
The therapy of clients with a failed vital identity should be a project to restore their vital identity.
For this, in my opinion, two conditions are necessary:
- Working with a client at the existential or meta-level of therapy;
- The work of the therapist is its own personality.
Here, as in no other case, techniques, techniques, techniques do not help. For possible changes in the client, the therapist must be himself with a good vital identity in order to "infect" the client with life. No matter what method a particular specialist uses, an important and healing principle is his vital freedom, freedom from the system of if-conditions.
Georgy Platonov beautifully said about this “the therapist enters the vitally significant environment of the client, and in this proximity the situation of formation, or, better to say, reformation of the system of if-conditions, is reproduced. At this moment, all education, social status and achievements of the consultant do not play a role. Only his vital freedom and skill in maintaining the depth of contact are important. And it often doesn't matter how it happens, whether any words are spoken or not. One thing is important - in this contact, the client acquires the unconditional right to be, the unconditional right to love and respect. (Foundations. Russian Gestalt. / Under the editorship of N. B. Dolgopolov, R. P. Efimkina. - Novosibirsk: Research and Training Center of Psychology NSU, 2001. - 125 p.)
The result of such therapy is the experience of the client's right to be.
The basis for such an experience is provided by the emergence of a number of abilities: the ability for self-support, self-esteem, self-acceptance. The ability to feel worthy of love and respect even in difficult situations.
The emergence of such experiences and abilities is possible only through the restoration of a sense of support.
Where to find this support?
It is not in the child's position. You can work with the client's inner child for an infinitely long time, experience resentments, fears, disappointments, but if in childhood there were no experiences of a loved one, a happy child, then there you will not find something to rely on. You need to look for support only in reality, in your adult part of I. But such clients prefer reality to illusion, and their adult part is not formed.
There is also no support in the parent image. It is impossible to rely on a parental figure if she herself is unstable, does not have a vital identity. It's like a small board in a swamp: if you become, you will fail. You can only rely on stable figures.
The therapist must first become such a figure for the client.
One of the biggest difficulties here is that the client, seeking such support, passionately dreams of unconditional acceptance and unconditional love. Therapy is a conditional situation, there are certain rules, responsibility, payment. And the therapist, despite the ability to accept and valuelessness, is not a parent for the client, and, therefore, cannot love him unconditionally, as a parent can love his child. At this point, the client develops strong feelings (anger, resentment, disappointment, resentment, rage), because of which he may not be able to stay in the therapeutic relationship. And for the therapist, this moment in therapy is not easy and is a challenge to test his personal and professional stability.
The therapist's ability to accompany the client in experiencing such feelings creates an opportunity for the client to experience and experience such feelings, to face disappointment and ultimately face reality (himself, the therapist, life) - a turning point in therapy. This is an inevitable result of the client's growing up process.
Subsequently, in the course of therapy, it is important to look for other strong figures in the client's family. It can be a grandfather, grandmother, uncle, aunt, sometimes not native, but significant in the life of a client Other. These are the people whom the client respects, admires, and is proud of. They can become the building blocks for the formation of his vital identity.
For nonresidents, it is possible to consult and supervise via Skype.
Login: Gennady.maleychuk
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