IF HUSBAND BECOMES A SON

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"I have three sons - two of mine and the third from my mother-in-law." What if the husband turned into a son and the wife turned into a mother? Is this always a convenient situation for both spouses?

SITUATION

When a woman gets married, she looks for a strong shoulder and support in her husband. Raised on children's fairy tales about the prince, she is waiting for the one who will love, care for and cherish her. But not a single fairy tale contains anything about how to "live, live and make good money." Therefore, often the relationship in a couple is distributed as "father-daughter" or "mother-son". And very rarely - on an equal footing. If both spouses are satisfied with this distribution of roles - advice and love. But often the situation in which the husband is too indecisive, does not take part in the affairs of the family, is not interested in raising children, improving everyday life, a woman outwardly begins to feel burdened by such relationships. Why outwardly? Because internally it suits her, it was the woman who did everything possible in order to establish the relationship "Mom - son". Let's figure it out.

POSSIBLE SCENARIOS FOR ESTABLISHING THE ROLE OF "MOTHER - SON"

HUSBAND

He married a sweet young lady, expecting that she would be the keeper of his hearth and a good housewife, that she would give birth to his son and daughter. At first, he sincerely tries to be the head of the family, make important decisions and even lead the first role in making important decisions. But one day some unpleasant situation happens. For example, problems at work or illness (death) of a close relative. A man needs help and support. For a while, he turns into a little helpless boy who really needs to be stroked on the head. The wife sincerely assumes the role of a mother, pitying and supporting her husband, caring for him. And so it remains.

WIFE

She got married. Dot. She could marry a strong and handsome, intelligent with high potential, or initially a weak man, because "it's time already." It doesn't matter what kind of man she gets, it is important how she will build a relationship with him. A woman-mother is initially a person with low self-esteem, who seeks to control everything and everyone in her family. She zealously takes on the management of the entire household and does not ask for help - she can handle it herself. If her man is educated and promising, and she herself is smart and strives to make a career, she can show / prove her worth to her husband through her career success, compete with him. And in every possible way to exaggerate the failures of her husband and focus on them. The husband, without support, quickly gives up and turns into a son. All important decisions are made by the woman herself. "It will be as I said." Gradually, the family comes to the conclusion that the wife makes absolutely all the important and unimportant decisions about living together: what to eat, what to wear, how to have fun (and whether it is necessary), what films to watch, where and how to spend money from the family budget. All decisions of the husband are carefully examined and ridiculed.

In fact, there can be a huge variety of scenarios, but all of them will reflect the following qualities of the spouses:

1) The wife's desire to control the situation. What could be behind this?

• Low self-esteem with external well-being (comparing yourself with your husband or with his acquaintances women, girlfriends, his mother, etc.)
• Fear of loss that he might leave (expression in providing him with such a life that, according to his wife, he will not be able to quit: the most delicious pies, his shirt is always ironed, he does not need to worry about anything)
• The pronounced imperiousness of the wife, due to the peculiarities of her character
• Distrust of the husband

2) Willingness of the husband to take a passive position "Do what you want." What is behind this?

• Low self-esteem, self-doubt
• Internal agreement with the current situation, due to character traits - perhaps the same scenario was in his parental family
• Confidence in the wife's strength that she will cope (although outwardly it can manifest itself in indifference)
• Unwillingness to participate in family affairs, loss of interest

3) The wife's inability to thank her husband for the displayed "economic activity"

4) The husband's inability to insist on his decisions

HOW DO I UNDERSTAND THAT THE MOTHER-SON RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T WORK ONE OR BOTH SPOUSES?

1) Irritation of a woman, chronic fatigue, expression of disrespect for her husband

2) The husband starts drinking (alone or leaving with friends for a long time), looking for reasons to run away somewhere, especially on weekends, so as not to spend time with the family

3) Breakthrough of internal aggression in the form of quarrels and conflicts, up to and including assault

Often, despite the fact that a woman herself loves to control the situation and tries to take on the role of a tough mother, she acts as a victim who needs to be pitied. After all, everything is on her, and he does not even help! And a man who has not coped with the social role of her husband, head of the family, acts as an aggressor. Tortured everyone, cursed. Paradox.

POSSIBLE WAY OUT OF THE SITUATION

To begin with, of course, you need to understand yourself and the current situation. If she has entered the area of quarrels, conflicts and chronic misunderstanding, coldness of the spouses, but there is a desire to save the family, family therapy or individual therapy with spouses can help. If this is not possible, then the main role in changing the relationship will lie with the woman. The man in this case will adjust to the changed conditions. Grow from son to husband. So, the actions of the wife:

Firstly, you need to give up the role of a mother in the literal sense of the word: do not feed, do not dress, ask for help with the housework. It is to ask, not to demand.

Secondly, you need to learn to respect, praise and support your husband in every possible way in all his endeavors: for helping with the housework, for each hammered nail and screwed-in light bulb, for a very tasty (not salted / oversalted, thin / thick) soup. And praise sincerely.

Thirdly, stop making decisions in the family. Fully. YES, this will lead to internal collapse and chaos in your understanding in the coming months. And yes, perhaps the husband will resist this in every possible way. But he will get used to it. And even if his decisions are tactically wrong, the wife must find the strength to support them and not sabotage them. After a few months, you will be surprised how he straightens his shoulders, confidence and pride will appear in his eyes.

Fourth, find something to do to your liking that will bring joy. Take care of yourself, not your over-aged child.

Once again, if the mother-son relationship suits both spouses, there is no internal rejection and irritation, then nothing needs to be changed. The main thing is the inner balance and mutual understanding of the spouses. Listen to your heart.