Toxic Relationship: Leaving Is Impossible To Stay

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Every person unconsciously

“Chooses” such a partner for himself, who "dances the same dance"

as he himself.

Otherwise the "dance of relationships"

will not work.

From the text of the article

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Why did I focus on the relationship rather than considering the toxic wife option? Let me explain what this is connected with. I would not like to focus on one of the partners, claiming that it is he who is toxic to the relationship. In this case, the idea that one of the partners is to blame for such a relationship cannot be avoided. Any relationship is a relationship between two people. And even if the behavior of one member of a couple is toxic, then a number of questions always arise:

• What is his partner doing to him?
• Why is he still in this kind of relationship?
• What prevents him from leaving, despite the clearly destructive nature of his partner's behavior?

I am convinced that partners for relationships are not chosen by chance. Each person, mostly unconsciously, “chooses” such a partner who “dances the same dance” as himself. Otherwise, the "dance of relationships" will not work.

The relationships discussed here belong to the category of complementary ones, in which both partners unconsciously seek to complete their unfinished developmental tasks using their partner for this purpose. (See article Complementary marriage). In this situation, the question of whether one of the partners is guilty more or less is certainly not worth it. Each of them has its own benefits and each gets something for himself in this kind of relationship. Only a superficial look at these relationships can give the impression that someone is a victim, and someone is a tyrant. Thanks to Karpman's research, we know that these positions are completely replaceable, and the victim is not always as "white and fluffy" as it seems at a superficial glance. And for me the problem of the victim is not solved by running away from the persecutor and rapist with whom you live - you will run away from one, you will find yourself with another - but by ceasing to be a victim! That being said, in some situations, running away from a toxic partner is an imperative and first step in overcoming this kind of relationship. The first, but not the only one!

An important awareness of the victim on the path of liberation may be the idea that the key to the lock of toxic relationships is not only with the persecutor, the tyrant, but also with her

Toxic relationships Is a destructive relationship for one or two partners. They are often referred to as a dependent relationship. The most typical options here are the following couples: alcoholic and co-dependent partner and psychopath + co-dependent partner. There are also "milder" variants of this kind of relationship - dysfunctional relationships in which the nature of family roles is violated.

Thus toxic relationship can be different both in form and in the degree of toxicity. What they will have in common is that this is a relationship in which partners it is impossible to solve the problems of your personal development.

A person, falling into such a relationship, feels entangled in a cobweb, loses freedom, but at the same time is not able to take responsibility for the return of this freedom and waits for someone else to do it for him - a partner, circumstances. I described the phenomenology of this kind of relationship in my article "Let Me Go".

However, the harsh truth of life is such that no one else can make decisions for you on the realization of his life. The codependent partner himself will have to make a choice, in which place of the phrase in the title of the article - "Leaving it is impossible to stay" - you need to put a punctuation mark.

My colleague Natalya emphasized in her article on the "female theme", having examined the cases of women in toxic relationships.

In my article, I decided to stay in the "male topic" and consider what difficulties a man faces when he finds himself in this kind of relationship, and what options he has for a way out of such a situation.

CRISIS IN RELATIONS

To illustrate my ideas, I will refer to Monique, a French melodrama directed by Valerie Guignabode. This film for me is about this kind of relationship, where is the answer to the question "Leave or stay?" the man decides for himself.

I was prompted to the need to refer to this particular film by the fact that it not only contains a beautiful illustration of the toxic relations described in the article (there are many such films), but also shows an example of a productive solution by the hero for himself of this difficult life task for him. For him, such a way out of toxic relationships was psychological maturation with the acquisition of his masculine identity.

We meet the hero at that moment of his life (his name is Alex), which in psychology is usually called a crisis. The grown-up son "flies away" from the parental nest and Alex plunges into depression.

It is possible that the cause of depression is the lack of meaning in life at this point in his life. The child gave his life a meaning and now, after parting with him, our hero was left without one.

It is likely that the son, among other things, was a buffer in his relationship with his wife, and the joint upbringing of the son distracted the spouses from realizing the lack of intimacy between them.

Left alone, they fully faced the abyss that separated them. This is confirmed by the phrase thrown by his son during departure:

- Without me, you will go crazy with boredom. This I tell you for sure.

His bus leaves, and they stand alone on the road.

Already at the very beginning of the film, in the scene of their farewell to their son, we can draw some conclusions about the nature of the relationship in their pair. The hero's wife, judging by the plot, is an active and domineering woman who is the leader in the family. She is energetic, “in command of the parade,” actively handing out instructions. The man, however, passively and silently follows her. The man is weak. It's too soft. In all likelihood, he has problems with masculinity and masculine identity. He's addicted to this pair.

For a man, this position, in my opinion, is toxic, it contradicts his essence, is unnatural to her, and the crisis in which we find him is a natural outcome of this. Other possible variants of such a crisis are chronic somatic diseases or alcoholism.

You can, of course, talk a lot about the specifics of the modern world, about the fact that it has changed, that modern men and women do not have to follow the prevailing role options in relations between the sexes today, and also talk about the fact that in the modern world there are various forms the embodiment of their essence. It is no coincidence that such a term as "gender" or psychological gender appeared.

I believe that although the world has changed and continues to change, but human nature remains unchanged. Man by its nature is the embodiment of qualities such as clarity, firmness, determination. IN a woman potentially laid softness, flexibility, compliance … And if you do not take into account, ignore nature, then this will lead to a violation of the integrity and harmony of the individual. and as a consequence of this - to various kinds of psychosomatic problems, including neuroses, depression, psychosomatic diseases, alcoholism and drug addiction.

Let's go back to our story. So the son left for another country and the spouses were left alone with each other and understand how far they are from each other.

The wife aggravates the depression of the protagonist even more, starting a relationship on the side and not even hiding it from her husband. Our hero sinks deeper and deeper into the abyss of despair, nothing pleases him, he is unable to work, drinks, and the prospect of the development of his life seems by no means bright.

WOMAN DOLL

However, life gives our hero a chance. By coincidence, Alex ends up with a silicone doll. Being in a drunken state, he orders it on the Internet and does not remember it.

From this moment, its changes begin. The situation that developed with the appearance of a doll in his life triggers in him the processes of psychological maturation and the formation of male identity.

Our hero meets with a completely different experience of relationships. In contact with his wife - overwhelming, energetic, harsh - it was difficult for him to show his masculine part. In these relations, he could only be soft, compliant, dependent. Probably, such a personal profile was formed in his parental family with a dominant, strong mother. The father in such families, as a rule, is either weak, subordinate, or absent altogether. In such a situation, it is difficult for a boy to form masculine qualities and the future wife, as a rule, is chosen with his mother's set of qualities.

A doll is another matter. She is silent, uncomplaining. Alex gets a new experience of relationships with her and gradually begins to feel like a man. Depression goes away, he stops drinking, begins to create, becomes active and energetic.

I think that the doll in this case is the author's artistic move. Through this kind of grotesque, the author conveyed the following idea - a man can become strong only when a weak woman is around.

MEETING WITH FATHER

The film shows another important moment for the formation of male identity. This is the relationship of our hero with his father.

His father, a veteran of the French national football team, is now in a nursing home where Alex occasionally visits. Alex knows about his father's dream - to go once again to the field of a football stadium in the jersey of the French national team. And Alex arranges that by taking him and his friends from the national team, now around the retirement home, and giving them the opportunity to play.

I agree with the following statement by I. Kuchera and K. Schaeffler: “Acceptance of one's own father always leads to the strengthening of male strength. Only by accepting his father can a man live in full force."

Alex manages to "meet" his father at this moment in his life.

Only a man can make a man out of a boy. This is an axiom. No offense will be said for women. Despite its colossal importance for the growing son, the mother's capabilities are still limited. There is something that she cannot pass on to her son, since she herself does not have it. It is the father's task to bring the boy into the male world, into male territory. But for this, the father must, firstly, just at least be, and secondly, he himself must be initiated into this.

MEETING WITH YOURSELF

The husband becomes a man and his wife has a chance to become a woman next to a man. I would even say that there is such a need. The family is a system and all systemic laws work here. If one element of the system changes, then the other must either change, or the system ceases to exist - it disintegrates.

We see how the hero's wife is changing. In such a situation, she has two choices - either to change and become a woman in these relationships, or to go look for another weak man.

Her first reaction from meeting with her changed husband is a strong surprise. A wife with a borderline characteristic of her personality structure, overwhelmed by a feeling of jealousy and righteous anger, bursts into her husband's house and arranges a scene of jealousy with firing a gun, demanding from her husband to give him a rival. Alex withstands the affect of his wife with dignity, calmly reacting to her tantrums.

The next episode shocks her. At the height of the clarification of the relationship, they did not notice how their son entered, returning home with a friend. Seeing what was happening, he began to speak rudely to them.

- Can I find out what happened, specifically. Did she shoot? What did she do to the house? And my things? Where is my stuff? If you touched them, I cannot vouch for myself.

Alex calmly, laconically and confidently puts everything in place, demonstrating who is in charge here, restoring the family hierarchy and establishing clear boundaries for relationships.

- Shut up Tom!

- What you said?

- I said shut up. From now on, you must ask permission before speaking and asking questions. You shouldn't be rude, you should obey my mother and me. Do you understand? I don't hear an answer. Do you understand?

- Yes, dad, I understood everything.

The wife sees before her another husband - calm, strong, confident. He does not need to raise his voice to demonstrate his strength. His voice is firm, his reaction is calm and confident, and everyone - his wife, son, and son's bride - feels it.

The film ends with an episode of Alex's father's funeral. It seems to be symbolic as well. Now our hero becomes the eldest man in the family.

How will his future life turn out? Will he stay in the old relationship or leave it? The film does not answer these questions. But what the director unambiguously manages to convey is a certain feeling that we are facing a strong, confident man who knows what to do and where along the road of his life!

I don't want to give any recommendations this time. I hope, the interested reader, you yourself will be able to draw conclusions from the proposed text, and the information received will help you, if necessary, to place punctuation marks in the phrase "Leave it is impossible to stay" in the title.

For nonresidents, it is possible to consult the author of the article via the Internet.