Why Are Internal Boundaries Violated?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Personality boundaries are a very important component in the life of any person. We all perfectly understand what external borders are, moreover, we know how and we know how to protect them. On a physical level, it is really easy, if you are pushed hard in public transport, then in most cases anyone will react to it. In other words, it will defend its borders. With internal borders, everything is a little more complicated.

In itself, the delimitation or separation begins in the process of childbirth. A person, by the way, is born not with a smile on his face, but with a cry, because he finds himself in a completely unfamiliar environment. Over time, the child grows and is more and more separated from his parents, first kindergarten, then school. By the end of puberty or by the age of 18, a person completely completes the process of internal separation from his parents. There is nothing wrong with this, this is not a manifestation of indifference or indifference, Parents and children are still close people, but children already have formed the foundations of their worldview. This is just a delimitation of personal space. It is often possible to observe such a situation when a young girl of 19-20 years old very often, literally every day, consults with her mother about her relationship with a young man with whom she is in love. Moreover, it requires advice on how to act on almost any occasion, and even if there was a conflict, even more so. Or the young man has not lost strong emotional ties with his mother, or, more simply, a mama's son, is not able to build a relationship with a girl, since all his emotions are addressed only to the mother, respectively, the girl does not get anything. All this suggests that the person is not emotionally separated from his parents. In adulthood, it is the incomplete separation with the parents that will, in most cases, cause other people to violate the internal boundaries of such a person.

At the physical level, a person himself decides and determines the distance when interacting with people. Someone can come within arm's length, with someone it is more comfortable to communicate at a distance of one and a half meters, and with someone a person can have sex, that is, reduce the distance to a minimum. In other words, a person himself determines who, where, when and how will contact him. If at the physical level everything is more or less clear, then at the internal level it is not quite. What are our internal borders guarding? By and large the same thing: who, when, how will touch and interact with the thoughts, feelings, desires and worldview of a person. During consultations, one hears the phrase: "I no longer know where my thoughts are, where is his." Such statements indicate that a person manifests dependence or violation of internal boundaries. (Of course, there are cases when people are very close and even think the same way, but this is very rare.) “The thought is mine or not mine, I feel it or I was convinced of it, do I really want it” - these are a few of the statements of clients with broken internal boundaries. Violation of boundaries is also an impact on a person's worldview. The worldview itself is the most stable part of the psyche, if feelings can be transformed over time or under the influence of some other factors, then the vision of the world is difficult to change (I do not mean disease). A person with violated internal boundaries often begins to live with other people's thoughts, as someone / mom, dad, wife, husband / said, then it’s right.

In addition, as a rule, people with violation of internal boundaries allow themselves to be mistreated. The most striking example is domestic violence, which is usually justified by the saying "Hits means loves", while wanting to change the situation, continuing to behave as before.

If the internal boundaries are violated, of course, it is necessary to restore them. First you need to understand and realize that the simple words "Yes" and "No" are the guards of the borders. Learning to say no is very important. If you are offered something and this causes a furious protest in your soul, then you have to say "no", at first it is very difficult to do it. When it is very difficult to give a negative answer, you can use conditional statement. For example, "I will cook dinner if you go to the kindergarten for the children" or "I will give you money, but you will return it to me in a week." It will be very important to fulfill the stated condition. Restoring boundaries and getting out of addicted relationships is a difficult process and it is better to do it with a specialist.

In a relationship, it is very important for the person himself to monitor his internal boundaries, and if necessary, adjust them, only the person himself can do this, it is in vain to think that someone else will take care of your own boundaries.

Live with joy! Anton Chernykh.