Everyone Chooses Their Own Box. Where And Why Are We Running From Ourselves

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A little less than a year ago, I wrote a post about running into religion, esotericism, etc. Time passed, and this topic again, in the form of client questions, slipped alongside. I remembered both the post and the comments of a person close to me. I will say one thing - time changes views. No, I haven't stopped considering deep immersion in some rigid framework as an escape from myself. I saw that there are moments and situations in which your own box is simply necessary. "Everyone chooses his own size box" - these are the words of G. Karelsky, which I especially remember after someone asked about his attitude to religion.

And now I will try to unravel my tangle of thoughts into even, understandable ideas.

What are the "boxes"?

Narrow, small, "skin-feel", "no windows, no doors", for example:

• different kinds of groups and communities, communities, united by one idea with inflexible, designated by the leader, framework, beliefs and rules of presence in the group;
• religious communities with clearly defined good / bad concepts;
• own super-categorical beliefs and ideas, "pictures" of how to live correctly.

I want to note that this list does not include destructive sects aimed at destroying the psyche of the participants. This is a completely different topic.

Who gets into the box and when:

people with many childhood psychological traumas, as a result of which there were no conditions for the formation of a healthy adult personality, hence the lack of the ability to rely on themselves (and there are, in general, a lot of us like that); they are characterized by a feeling of emptiness, alienation, "a hole in the soul", which is important to fill

• people with post-traumatic syndrome who survived a situation in which there was a threat to human life;
• living grief losses; in such periods, understanding what will happen tomorrow, in a month, in a year - gives a good support, in a situation when life suddenly turned 360 degrees;
• dependent (here we mean not only chemical, but also any serious emotional dependence) - for them rigid structures are simply vital. It is on clear rules and understandable boundaries that the principle of psychological assistance to such people is built.

Why do we get:

It is important to note why this choice appears. It occurs at the moment when our soul begins to look for a way out. And this is the true inner movement of a person to find a different way of life. This is development. This is a search. This is the desire to fill oneself with strength and energy to live, to find resources that, for various reasons, have ceased to be available. It's about finding a way to get through tough feelings and emotions that overwhelm us with less pain and loss. Sometimes this is the only way to get closer to yourself. First step.

What's useful in the box:

• being in such a box, we get the most stable support, as a result of which we feel safe;
• we feel quite powerful support and acceptance, the need for which absolutely everyone has;
• such a box can be used as an opportunity to emotionally "take a break" when there are not enough resources;
• a “correct” significant adult is acquired (in the form of a community or its leader), with a desired attitude towards us (that is, as if we are replacing a “bad” real parent with a “good” one);
• sometimes this is the first step to a meeting with oneself, a way to fill a huge hole inside the love that was once lost.

What's dangerous:

• "living" in such a box, there is a serious danger of falling into the illusion that this is the real world;
• looking at the world only through the prism of categorical beliefs, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to see it alive and real, with all the facets of the beautiful and the terrible. In general, we first of all deprive ourselves of the ability to be real, to feel, to understand and realize what you really want, to feel the joy of realizing your desires, to see the whole spectrum of colors of life;
• if you use this box not as a tool, but as a way and style of life, there is a risk of never meeting yourself and others;
• being for a long time in artificially created conditions, we get so used to them that, having met with reality, sometimes we experience even greater pain and disappointment, we get retraumatization (repeated trauma), and our subconscious mind acquires another "proof" that the world is cruel and dangerous - hence the desire close even more.

How to understand that, perhaps, you are in such a box, and you are actually already cramped in it:

• most of the people around you outside the community show a lot of anxiety and concern for you;
• you do not accept and strongly reject other ways of development and ways of life;
• communicating with people who do not share your views brings pain, resentment, a sense of alienation and rejection;
• sometimes you have thoughts that you are not living your life, that you do not understand what you really want;
• the results and efforts that are made to conform to the ideas once adopted do not bring you sincere and lasting satisfaction and joy.

What to do if you want to find a door:

• the main thing is to realize that the space of the box is only a small part of a huge, many-sided world;
• to praise yourself for having found for yourself the right path of development for you "then and there", which is definitely useful to you in some way;
• to understand what exactly this path helped and what, in fact, was for you, what it was valuable for you, as an experience, what it taught;
• think about what else in life or within you you can rely on, from whom you can get support;
• be sure to find an experienced specialist in the field of psychology or psychotherapy, whom you can trust and work out the issue of finding your own resources and supports, which you definitely have, because if they were not there, you would not have read this text.

And now without structure. There are many more spacious boxes. With windows, doors and even gates. They have their pros and cons. For large and spacious boxes, I would include, for example, professional communities where you can get support, acceptance as a specialist, again fulfilling certain conditions of participation. Or, for example, communities of interest, where you can be filled with resources from communicating with people who are on the same wavelength with you. I will not describe other options in such a structured and detailed manner, there are too many of them, and everyone will definitely find their own.

The purpose of this text, on my part, is to draw attention precisely to the "narrow boxes", to the fact that each of us in certain situations and life circumstances can get into them. This is neither good nor bad. It is important to understand how to live further - your choice. You can realize that for you now it is just a tool from which you can take what you need and go further towards meeting yourself alive and present. Or decide to stay in this environment as long as possible and not change anything. It is important to realize that you make the choice.