2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I am the unloved child of unloving parents.
I am a man. Or a woman. I am a middle manager. Or an experienced accountant. A talented chef. Or a successful CEO. I am 30. Or 18. Or 50. It doesn't matter. Yes, I grew up, but whoever I become and no matter how old I am, deep inside I remain a child, unloved and hungry for love.
Sometimes I am very aware that my parents did not love me. Sometimes
I remember well all the wrongs they inflicted on me, the pain they caused, moral or even physical. More often I used to think that my childhood was "the same as everyone else's," and that since my parents took care of me, giving me food, shelter and safety, this was their love. More often it is difficult for me to understand in what other “love” was to be expressed.
I am the unloved child of unloving parents
What I lacked in my relationship with my parents - warmth, acceptance, recognition, approval - in my adult life I am actively looking for in other sources. I strive to be good. I strive to please others. I strive to compensate for the lack of self-love through the approval of others.
Therefore, I cannot afford much.
I can't afford to be beautiful enough. I try to strive to match my ideas about the ideal. Otherwise, I cannot love myself.
I cannot afford to have an insufficiently prestigious job and an insufficiently prestigious income. Otherwise, I will have nothing to respect myself.
I cannot afford to have a family and children "too early" or "too late." After all, what will people say ?!
I cannot afford to have a not good enough / handsome / smart husband or wife. Or insufficiently beautiful / talented / successful / obedient children. Otherwise, it may become a sign of my own failure in the eyes of others.
I can’t afford to make mistakes and do something that is not “excellent”. Whatever I do, the first time should come out as flawlessly as possible. Otherwise, I will not be able to forgive myself for my lack of excellence, openly demonstrated to other people - friends, colleagues, relatives. After all, everyone will start laughing that I didn't succeed …
I am the unloved child of unloving parents.
I have a clear idea of what I should be in order to be worthy of love. Self-love. I have a clear image of my "ideal self". I constantly compare myself with this image, put forward demands on myself, often unattainable and unrealistic, even if I do not realize it.
If I do not meet the requirements of this ideal, I become angry. Self-directed anger. Therefore, I am well aware of the feelings of chronic dissatisfaction with oneself, and even self-hatred and contempt. I am familiar with exhausting self-reflection, self-flagellation and self-criticism.
When I feel that I do not meet my own requirements for myself, I feel disappointed in myself, resentment towards myself.
I'm used to feeling guilty if I don't behave the way I expect myself to. And if the surrounding people find out about this lack of commitment, then the feeling of guilt turns into a feeling of shame., arising when I do not behave the way others expect of me. Often in my life I am accompanied by fear and anxiety about "exposure" to others, when I fear that everyone will find out "how useless I really am, mediocre, and incapable of anything." Deep inside I fear that when people recognize me as the "real" person, they will push me away, reject me. As my parents once did. Therefore, I am always on the alert. I reincarnate into the image of a person “comfortable” for others, a person “worthy of respect”, or “admiration”, or even “fear”. The main thing is not to find yourself in front of everyone …
I am the unloved child of unloving parents.
I am very vulnerable. I am extremely sensitive to any criticism. I am highly susceptible to the action of the words and actions of others in relation to me. My self-esteem is unstable. It has no inner support for my own self-image - it is almost entirely based only on the opinions and assessments of other people. And this is my dependence on any other person's good or ill will.
I am very preoccupied with thoughts about who and what has thought or will think about me, and what it may turn out to be for me. If someone's words or actions hurt me, then thinking about how “should have said / done” becomes so intrusive that they simply exhaust me.
I'm used to the lack of confidence in my actions. Before doing something, I carefully prepare for it, sometimes investing much more into the preparation than is necessary. To guarantee a 100% successful result on the first try. If I am not sure of 100% success, and the first time, then it is easier for me to give up trying to do something altogether, having come up with an excuse that devalues the goal - “I don’t need it”. In business, as a rule, I am accompanied by the fear of failure, the fear of being incompetent.
It is difficult for me to defend my opinion, my interests, to enter into conflicts, because if I start defending my opinion, this can lead to discontent of the interlocutor.
Most of my intellectual energy is spent on building images-masks that allow me to make the "necessary" impression on others and thereby protect myself from their disapproval.
And I'm especially picky about other people. No less than to myself. If someone does not correspond to my ideas about "correctness", it literally knocks me out of the rut and causes indignation and indignation. I actively impose my codes of life rules on those in relation to whom it is permissible - wife / husband, children, close friends, subordinates at work. I strive to force them to correspond to my notions "as it should". And this gives rise to another round of my problems in relationships with people. I argue with enthusiasm about who owes what and to whom - "they (parents, state, bosses) owed me …", transferring into this their indignation all their resentment for the debt not given to me by my parents.
For the unrequited debt of love.
I am the unloved child of unloving parents.
Is there something I can do about it? Can I change something? To get rid of the search for a substitute for the love of parents by gaining the approval of others?
Yes. Can. Through a difficult and slow path of self-acceptance and self-love.
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