ABOUT THE TRAINING OF REAL MEN AND WOMEN

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The world is arranged in such a way that each of us dreams of meeting a "real man" or "real woman" in life, by the way, implying that we ourselves are just that

Alas, most often disappointment comes: in fact, the "real" are not at all what we drew them in our imagination. Moreover, those qualities that we identified with the true qualities of real men and women turn out to be completely different, false. It turns out that a "reconciliation of concepts" is necessary, and the very concepts of those who should be near are laid in us long before the age of puberty, when there is a realized need for intimacy. These matrices of consciousness, willingly or unwillingly, were presented to us together with their experience by our parents. And the more they failed to take place in their masculine and feminine identity, the more obsessive is their urge to instill in children their vision of "masculinity" and "femininity."

"I will make a real woman out of her," "I will have him as a real man," a caring parent informs the world, completely unaware of what it is and by what educational means he is going to achieve this.

The modern culture of gender equality has distorted many concepts of gender identity - is it good or bad, perhaps, time will tell, but today we already have intermediate results - many concepts have been completely erased, for example, sensuality, the ability to compromise, perseverance, energy. The word "self-sufficient" has become a reason for female pride, because women have long been involved in competition with men. And the criterion for measuring the male ego is the word "accomplished".

It should be noted that even appearance has not been a gender identifier for a long time - a girl-boy recently winked at us from commercials, from world catwalks and just in the subway. The young men became outwardly feminine, the metrosexual took a place in girlish dreams. But the peak of unisex began to decline - curvy female forms and men with beards, affectionately called lambersexuals, came into fashion again, reminding us of courageous laconic lumberjacks and blacksmiths.

Glossy magazines, in turn, impose certain stereotypes on us: "12 ways to look like a real macho", "25 principles of a real woman", "How to attract …?", "Where to look …?"

With such input data, how to be able to raise children as real men and women? What do we expect from them, and what will they expect from each other? Will they be happy? Are we happy?..

For the first time, we impose our stereotypes on children at birth, with the help of pink or blue ribbons, sliders, and a bonnet. Then we buy toys for them according to gender: cars for boys, dolls for girls. And in no case should they be confused! "How is your boy playing with dolls? Urgently banned! What will people think!" - parental frameworks are strict and quite predictable.

An ordinary playground in a city park is just a treasure trove of parental attitudes: "men don't cry" (a man is four years old!) And then "don't go there, high there" (and where to put a man now?); "give in - you're a girl!" and then "why are you running after him like a tail." Parents are contradictory, but predictable, anxious, but too confident in their righteousness, sometimes too schematic, but their rules and attitudes are not very clear to them themselves. Ask the mother of a five-year-old baby - why don't men cry? Will not answer. So it is accepted … By whom? When?

Are the parents to blame for everything?

Our parents grew up and formed as individuals at a time when functionality was the main value in the Soviet state. A person was required to timely occupy his niche in "building a bright future", where any emotions were rather a disadvantage: to calm down the crying, to isolate the violent, to suppress or direct the leadership, but in the right direction. Therefore, gender stereotypes are quite simple: a man is at the machine, a woman is in the kitchen. Modern reality is completely different - a person has received the right to independently choose his own path, but at the same time he has acquired the ability to doubt, make mistakes, change his preferences. And practically brought up by our parents according to their own understanding, we either began to do everything exactly the opposite, or, drawn by the feeling of false stability, we go hand in hand with our mothers and fathers, absorbing their fears and anxieties. This is where our feeling of awkwardness arises for the inadequacy of our child to what society supposedly expects from us in the person of grandmothers, concierges and those who are meant by "what people will say." Even if a completely modern well-read parent is able to change everything in these attitudes, he reaches the other extreme in this matter - a complete denial of what was important for the previous generation. Hence the excessive striving for the early development of the child, the development of his leadership qualities, possibly completely alien to his temperament, the striving for knowledge beyond his age. And the generation of modern 30-40-year-olds, which still remembers what the "pioneer squad named after Marat Kazey" is, grew up in inconceivably conflicting parents. But despite this, they all want the best for their children, so that they grow into real men and women, and, of course, they also meet exclusively real ones.

Let's figure out the attitudes that really change our gender roles, and understand in which direction

"Men do not cry". Probably, there is no boy in the post-Soviet space who has never heard such a statement at least once. But, in fact, crying is the first means of a baby to communicate his discomfort, to achieve the satisfaction of his needs for food, sleep, comfort, communication. It is almost impossible to prevent a baby from crying! Depending on the reaction of the parents, the baby begins to adjust his cry in pitch and intensity, understanding how he affects the speed of meeting his needs. That is, it is the reaction of the parents to his needs that influences the formation of the character of the child and the control of the parents with the help of crying. And this does not depend on the gender of the child. But at the moment when we forbid the boy to cry under a specious excuse, we seem to cancel his right to feelings, to satisfy his needs. As a result, we have already received a generation of men who do not cry, but also do not feel! And now the only possible reaction of a grown man to crying is to run away. At the same time, if you ask a mother, who forbids the boy to cry, what is her ideal of a man, she will name, among other things: understanding, feeling, caring. But a boy, whom his parents knew how to comfort during periods of stress, will grow into a man who is able to cope with both his own emotions and those of his loved ones.

Our wise great-grandmothers said something completely different to those who were crying: cry, baby, it will be easier! After all, human sadness, resentment, disappointment, which end in tears, go away. Tears are the result, relaxation and even a way to calm down. But the main thing is a way to feel, which means to live fully.

And if it is so important that the son does not cry, then remember that those boys who were taught to act in a difficult situation by their parents rarely cry, and those children who do not know what to do cry.

"Don't be aggressive." Most often, this attitude sounds like "girls do not fight" and is put to a greater extent to girls as behavior that is unacceptable for them, however, boys' aggression is very frightening for adults. It is paradoxical that in most families, where the child's aggression is considered bad manners, aggression towards the child is considered the norm: the child is simply beaten for wrongdoing. It must be borne in mind that our thoughts, actions, self-perception, ways of realizing feelings are precisely the product of how our parents treated us in childhood, how they reacted to us. And what is beating a child if not the realization of parental aggression? This is how the parent informs the child and those around him that he cannot cope with his feelings, that he has exhausted all methods of non-aggressive influence. Here's an example for a child: if you don't know what's going on with you - hit it! It would be much more important and much more correct for the parent to inform the child about their feelings, and reformat the aggression, for example, into a game of football. The ball perfectly withstands any aggression, while it even improves its qualities - it flies far and jumps. To prohibit fights and arguments between boys in the name of the principle of non-violence is to suppress their natural needs. Often, the setting on the prohibition of aggression just follows the prohibition on tears and feelings, and the result is very sad - all forbidden feelings begin to manifest themselves somatically and the child begins to get sick.

Already to a much lesser extent than before, but the installation is still working "cars for boys, dolls for girls" … The game is an important resource for the development and cognition of life, and the role-playing game is an opportunity to play relationships, life roles and scenarios. Mothers and daughters are for everyone, however, as are the designers. Often, children subconsciously use play for therapeutic purposes, feeling the need for precisely those games and toys that will bring them maximum benefit. Do not follow the lead of stereotypes. Allow children to have an arsenal of toys that will allow them to play whatever role they want. For example, playing war helps a little boy to discharge the accumulated energy, in the game he develops physically, learns to regulate his strength, to interact with other people. Girls learn relationships and empathy through play.

"Be the leader." The abundance of leadership courses and trainings, including for children, at this historical moment suggests that this quality is considered very popular and even cultivated. But, unfortunately, the psychophysiology of the personality is often not taken into account, which plays a huge role in how comfortable a person will feel in the role of a leader. The discrepancy between such opportunities leads to frustration, and later on to depression. The child is even more susceptible to disappointment due to the instability of understanding his needs. In addition, leadership tendencies in boys and girls develop according to different patterns and at different periods. And we are driving them all into the need to be leaders. And so two such grown-up unrealized leaders met in the family … The ending is clear.

Another, often purely maternal setting sounds like this - "you are my man" and imposes on the boy an unbearable burden of responsibility, changes his perception of the world, present and future relationships with women. In general, the idea of "raising a man for oneself" is destructive both for the boy - the future man, and for the mother. The mother, as a rule, in this situation puts an end to her personal and sexual relationships with men - she already has an "ideal option", which she will bring up according to the mythical model of a perfect man who exists exclusively in her mind. And for a boy, the problem of the "Oedipus complex" will be practically eternal if he does not have enough of his own mental strength to overcome this destructive maternal love. Relationships with other women in such an "ideal man" are often initially doomed to failure, because he either subconsciously searches for an exact copy of his mother or obsessively avoids everyone who looks like her. Option "you are my woman" in the mouth of the father is also possible, but it is much less common.

How will be correct?

It is important to understand that the standard of male behavior for a boy is the father or the figure that replaces him. He will try to imitate his behavior, habits, hobbies. If the father opens the door for the mother, gives her a hand, then the probability that the son will do the same is quite high, provided that the father remains the authority for the child. The girl also learns about how she should be treated by boys, and later by men, from the behavior of her own father. It's the same with female behavior. The girl copies the mother, and the boy learns how a woman should behave. But if in the family the father beats the mother and children, then the son, most likely, will also resort to violence, and the woman, who has grown out of her daughter, will take the installation to endure the beatings.

It is important to present to children the values common to all people, prohibitions, norms of behavior and relations between people, which form the basis of life in any society: respect for oneself and others, the ability to make a choice and be responsible for it. These values in life are not gender specific.

Whatever our intentions and ideas about gender equality, we treat boys and girls differently, intuitively feeling that their psyche is different. Gradually, the child learns to understand and then predict the reaction of the parents and strives to correspond as fully as possible to their ideas about how to act in a given situation. Still, it would be a mistake to reduce our gender identity to upbringing. We have to admit that the behavior inherent in one sex or another has a biological basis, although social factors can significantly affect it. This is not a reason to underestimate the importance of parenting. Nature lays a foundation that we obviously cannot change. But we are able to build a relationship with a child in such a way that those who meet our grown children will tell us that they are real!