Violence Trauma Therapy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It took a certain amount of inner discipline to approach this topic. Often, during consultations, you have to work with this topic, working through the same stages, but each time in different ways. People are individual and the experience of trauma is unique every time

Yes, it’s uniqueness. A person with trauma, sometimes, lives for many years, fights for life, survives as best he can: during this stage of life with trauma, a person forms his own vision of the world, albeit through the prism of pain, his achievements, a certain endurance and way of life.

And all this in no case should be devalued. This part of a person's life path cannot be simply taken and deleted, rewritten and edited. It is important to approach it carefully, preserving the right of a person to decide for himself how to deal with one or another of his experiences.

Therefore, for a long time I rejected the requests of my clients - to write an article on the topic of violence and therapy of trauma of violence. Realizing that my words can deeply hurt and sometimes unwittingly hurt those who live with their trauma. Or inadvertently devalue something important that concerns the individual path of a person.

But, nevertheless, the key was the motivation to "share experience". Perhaps for those who do not understand at all: how a traumatized person looks at the world, why certain things hurt him. Indeed, very often people try to judge and "treat" a person from their picture of the world, thereby inflicting retrauma and even deeper drawing a line of demarcation between the traumatized person and the world beyond the trauma.

1. What happens in the unconscious of the affected person?

a) The feeling of All-Power suffers. Yes, don't be surprised. In a normal person, one of the basic unconscious beliefs is the belief: "I can do anything" and "I can handle everything." This belief helps us to set ambitious goals and achieve them, overcome obstacles, do the impossible, reach the top:)

Now, imagine what happens at the moment of violence (any: physical, mental, sexual). The rapist grossly violates the boundaries of a person, without taking into account his interests, but with a huge emotional charge towards the victim: hatred, envy, resentment, claims, cruelty (sometimes sadism), lack of principle, and at times - indifference and composure.

The victim is simply not ready for such a situation. Shock, panic, horror, numbness … anything, but not All Might … For a split second, and sometimes for hours (even worse - if a person is in such an environment for a long time, years), the feeling of a person's "I" is lost. The will of the person is replaced by the will of the rapist.

And even when the situation ends physically, the emotional memory remains. Memory of the loss of your All-Power.

The inner child of a person receives the information that "the one who has more rights is right." The one who used force. Who turned out to be faster, more powerful, more sudden, etc.

In the best case, the inner child has an imprint of the fact that you need to pump your own: speed, strength, arrogance, surprise…. Underline whatever applicable.

At worst, a feeling of total helplessness. The feeling that "God has turned away from me." The world is unfair, God is cruel, no one came to my aid, which means that no one needs me. And further: "I am a loser, a loser, an empty space …."

From this follows the next point of the inner struggle of the injured person.

b) Suffers a Sense of Self-worth (CHSD further, for brevity).

“I couldn’t keep my strength, I was weaker, I couldn’t fight back, I didn’t manage”… So I am not perfect enough (shenna)?

This cannot be allowed by the unconscious of a healthy person. It will cling to CSD with all its might, even at the cost of plunging into repetition of traumatic situations. To win them back, find another outcome, fix it.

In this regard, I recommend avoiding the word "victim" when referring to the injured person. The unconscious, and so, knows that something is wrong and with the last bit of strength tries to preserve the feeling of okay, resisting the hanging of destructive identifications. Moreover, the victim may give inappropriate aggression to the label of “victim”. The kind of aggression that is, in fact, directed at the rapist.

Hereinafter, I will use the term "rapist" to refer to a person who has used any type of violence (physical, moral, sexual).

The fact of gross violation of boundaries by one creature in relation to another causes confusion in the criteria for self-esteem of the affected person. How do you evaluate yourself? How do you evaluate others?

The one who has more strength, power, impudence, resources is right?

And here, very often, people who know about the Karpman triangle in psychology (the “persecutor-victim-rescuer” triangle) begin to “treat” the victim, inviting him to “forgive the rapist”, “accept the fact of violence”, “stop being a victim” …, "do not turn into an aggressor"

People, forget about Karpman !!! These three roles: stalker, victim, rescuer - these are intrapersonal roles that flow into one another, inside the injured person. This is a sign of injury, not a treatment !!!

Treatment of trauma, just in the acceptance of the injured person's right to such splitting !!!

The fact is that we are dealing with a society almost without exception - to a greater or lesser extent - traumatized people. Therefore, such a splitting into these three roles will be in almost everyone. And it is useless to try to pull this triangle on social interactions. All three roles will simultaneously, in varying degrees of manifestation, be present in each.

Moreover, the injured person's trauma, his pain - will provoke and awaken your own injuries (and roles, respectively) … And the stronger the pain sound from the injured person, the more powerful the provocateur of the awakening of injuries in those around him (s) will be.

2. Personal hell of the victim

a) Desire for revenge.

And that's okay. This is how the injured person tries to restore his CSD. This desire for revenge can be deeply repressed, and often redirected to those who accidentally hurt the injured person (in a completely different context, knowing nothing about a person's injury. Sometimes - unintentionally. Sometimes - just cut him off on the road, stepped on his foot in the subway) … Such a transfer of hatred can be carried out according to very insignificant features of similarity with the rapist: manners, voice, gestures, style of communication. This, by the way, does not mean that the transfer always goes to "good and innocent people." Rather and more often the opposite is true. This is how synchronicity works. There are no accidental transfers. Or there are, but very rarely.

But it's not about transfers. It's about accepting the victim's right to such impulses of revenge. They are normal. It is worse when it turns into auto-aggression, suppressed aggression. So you can jump to depression. Repressed aggression only intensifies feelings of unhappiness and the trauma of helplessness.

Moreover, accepting your vengeful impulses allows you to "turn on your brains." That is, to realize the true object to which these impulses are directed.

b) Desire for salvation (of the Savior).

To restore a sense of one's Omnipotence, a basic trust in the world.

As I wrote above, trauma suffers from a feeling of being needed by the world, a feeling of support, faith in a good God. We all need an image of a caring Parent in the unconscious, which we can rely on in difficult times.

And it is this image that is crossed out by the trauma. Not perfect. I could not, did not help. Conclusion: "I am not needed", "I was betrayed", "thrown", "rejected" …

This causes unbearable pain. And the desire for revenge is already now transferred to this "unfulfilled with salvation" image.

From here, traumatized people have a painful desire to find an ideal partner, an ideal therapist, an ideal world … There is a painful attempt to return the image of a kind and caring Parent, crossed out by the trauma.

And there is resentment, anger, anger, when sooner or later these idealizations collapse, the world does not meet expectations, people fail, partners and therapists disappoint … And, alas, this is an indispensable and necessary stage. The stage of meeting your disappointment.

I will continue to write about what the true lesson of any trauma is. So far, just in brief: trauma teaches us to outgrow frustration.

And this stage I call: "Let the hopes die." It hurts, bitterly - there is a plunge into melancholy and despair, a meeting with the Emptiness within oneself. But this is the only way to get to the container with the pain of injury. This container can be obtained only after such type of psi-protection as "search for the savior" dies.

Living the most difficult feelings in trauma occurs only after contact with the Void of disappointment.

c) Scenario "victim's guilt".

At this stage, the victim is faced with such a phenomenon as the denial by society of the rapist's guilt and the transfer of responsibility to the victim of violence.

In general, I already wrote about this. The injured person is a carrier of trauma, activating their own untreated wounds in those around them. Moreover, in the unconscious of the affected person lives the image of the rapist (more on this later), plus the desire for revenge and the desire for salvation. There is a lot of anger, resentment, fear - all this is read by others. The very recognition of the fact of violence is a threat to their own needs for Omnipotence and CSD.

Therefore, the injured person is exposed to a barrier, labeled as "infected with violence." They are afraid to "get infected".

And this is precisely what promotes impunity for violence.

After all, the rapist also has needs for Omnipotence and CSD. Only the rapist chose pathological ways of realizing these needs. At the expense of other people. And to the detriment of other people.

The victim, on the other hand, is accused on a par with the rapist for the very fact of having these needs. The same as the rapist.

He is accused because the victim gives off pain and the image of the rapist imprinted with violence …

And this is where the substitution takes place. The victim often begins to believe the environment that HE IS GUILTY, HE IS BAD - he identifies himself with the rapist by the fact that he has these needs.

No distinction is made between the needs themselves and how they are realized.

And is it important!!! The need for Omnipotence is normal. The need for CSD is normal. And there are sustainable ways to meet those needs.

The rapist, on the other hand, chooses pathological ways of realizing these needs - at the expense of other people, regardless of other people. And the rapist is to blame, not the victim of violence.

3. Lessons from trauma. "Hit you"

The illusion of healthy people is that violence is something distant, something that has nothing to do with them. And that a healthy person will never run into such a thing.

Actually, this is how a person protects his need for Omnipotence and CHSD.

But the fact is that violence often occurs not "because": for the purpose of divine expediency, the development of the soul through suffering, punishment for sins, because the victim itself provoked … and so on (put this nonsense out of your head), but as a result of a collision will. This is a power conflict. A conflict that one person resolves at the expense of another.

And this is always a crime (overstepping the boundaries of conscience). When a person cannot satisfy some significant needs for himself, when the world does not obey him, when there is something that is not in his power: a person's will is tested. The ways in which a person will resolve the arisen conflict of interests, conflict of wills.

A situational benefit is received by the one who breaks someone else's will for the sake of his own.

The victim is injured. The abuser also gets hurt, but it is not so obvious - distance from his own soul, loss of conscience. But about it some other time.

The victim's lesson is to regain integrity as soon as possible.

The fact is that at the moment of violence there is a splitting off from the image of one's own "I". The loss of a part of the soul, as shamans would say.

And this split off piece will be replaced by the emotions of the rapist. His image is "I". This happens unconsciously. At the moment of injury, our image of "I" looks small, and the image of the rapist - huge. And the unconscious is so arranged that it remembers these huge images. And keeps it in itself. Moreover, it is capable of passing them on by inheritance. For example, a mother who has been abused may pass this image on to her child. The fact is that, willingly or unwillingly, in such a woman the emotions inherited from the rapist will slip through. Without realizing it, she can sometimes say "I-messages" that belong to the "spirit of the rapist", are spoken from his image.

This image of a rapist may even be a trick to the victim and be perceived by him as a resource of strength and power.

4. Violence trauma therapy

It is built on the containment of the emotions of the injured person and helping him to realize his personal hell. For a person to be able to separate "flies from cutlets": his "I" from the "I-rapist". In order for a person to be able to free himself from the emotions corroding his soul, he regained the right to the needs for Omnipotence and a Sense of Self-Dignity. Found sustainable ways to meet these needs. And he restored the image of the supporting parental figure in his own unconscious.

In such therapy, there are no easy ways. Techniques are always secondary here, because you have to go through and re-live whole fields of toxic feelings, cry out a fucking cloud of tears, live hate, anger, disappointment and go through the Void.

Here are just a few of the feelings that are archived in the unconscious of the affected person:

- shame from the loss of control, loss of the feeling of the All-Power;

- guilt from the loss of contact with the CSD;

- anger and desire for revenge;

- resentment against people who did not understand, did not help, abandoned, rejected, accused;

- despair, helplessness and shock lived inside the event;

- fear (horror), lived both inside the event and from the constant presence of the "rapist's spirit" in the field of one's own unconscious;

- disappointment in previous ideas about people, the world, God;

- feelings of Emptiness and loss of meaning due to the destruction of the previous picture of the world;

All these emotions, as a rule, are cobbled together into a single conglomeration of poorly perceived bodily sensations and obsessive, habitual thoughts generated by these sensations.

And there are also the rapist's emotions imprinted on a person, emotions that are introjects - part of the rapist's image: resentment, claims to the world, anger, hatred, envy, greed, fears. A set of strategies for pathological dissatisfaction and non-ecological ways of realizing the needs for Omnipotence and CSD.

It is sometimes difficult for the victim to distinguish his emotions from the emotions and the thoughts generated by them, coming from the image of the rapist.

As a result, a kind of concatenation of beliefs about oneself can be obtained:

"I'm bad (bad), I deserve it"

"I myself am to blame for everything"

"If … (hereinafter a list of qualities or what needed to be foreseen), then nothing bad would have happened"

"The world is unfair, God is cruel, nobody needs me"

"……"

From such beliefs, one's own image of "I" is completely lost. Transforms into Karpman's triangle of roles.

And in the therapy of a person who has suffered from violence, one often has to search for the true, native image of "I" with lanterns. Reanimate this image from the dirt of other people's introjects stuck on it.

If the violence was prolonged and / or constant (for example, a destructive family), then you have to, literally, look for the divine spark of your own "I", since a person simply does not know that you can live and feel differently. Good, needed, loved.

The victim, at times, does not even think that violence and justification of violence are NOT NORM. What is this PATHOLOGY.

A pathology that makes even once injured but not healed an easy target for such incidents to recur. Alas, traumatics are very beneficial to the consumer society. With their unconscious thirst for revenge, it is easy to incite them against an unwanted enemy, to raise a revolution. Their desire and search for a savior make them sponsors of the growth in sales of "magic power pills". It is easy to blame them on all the sins of society: after all, "the victim is always to blame for violence":(Therefore, the only lesson for the affected person is to learn how to restore their integrity. This is a lesson in getting up after falling.

The bad news for rapists is that a victim who is healed to the end gains immunity to all forms of violence and manipulation.

5. Declaration of the rights of the injured person

1) I have a right to whatever feelings I experience. Even those that prevent others from wearing their "white coats" of illusion.

2) I have the right to be vulnerable. This does not give anyone any reason to use it and does not justify violence!

3) I have the right to be injured. And to heal my wound for as long as I need and in the ways that I choose

4) I have the right to understanding and support regardless of what projections and expectations my image in other people generates

5) I have the right to the need for Omnipotence and Self-Dignity. These needs are normal! The pathological form of realization of these needs is the responsibility of the rapist, not mine!

Best regards, Olga Guseva.

NLP trainer, psychologist, transformational coach, an expert in the field of disclosing the potential of a person.

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