Available About Masochism

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Natalya Kholina Source:

Recently, a new book by Irina Mlodik was published, describing - both from an artistic and scientific point of view - such a psychological phenomenon as masochism. In a book called “Girl on a Ball. When Suffering Becomes a Way of Life”includes a novel and an article reflecting the view of a psychotherapist and a description of the nature of the formation of a masochistic structure of the psyche (or, separately, masochistic character traits inherent in people of other mental structures).

The book can also be useful to readers who are far from psychology, but at the same time interested in the behavior of people and the forms of relationships between them.

I will cite several paragraphs and quotes from Irina's article, which is very useful in my opinion, “Masochism as a way to survive, or warming the universe. The view of a psychotherapist :

From the point of view of psychology, a masochist is a person whose desires and needs are violated from childhood, as a result of which he ceases to feel his human value. Accustomed to suffering for the sake of others, but proudly enduring the sometimes impossible for the personal nature of deprivation, such a person has very complex models of relations to himself and the world, which always ends for him with various kinds of consequences, such as psychosomatic problems, difficulties in building healthy social ties, until early death.

Masochistic character traits are manifested in

1. the habit of enduring and suffering

“Once a child came to this world with a desire to be noticed, recognized, accepted, with the hope and intention of showing his will and desires in this world. If such a child appears in the family system, where the parents (or one of them) are not ready to raise a living being with their own preferences, motives, feelings, desires, then they can, for example, do everything to make the child stop showing signs of "life ". Not to kill, of course, but to etch out desires, manifestations, expressions of will in him. In this case, the child becomes minimally alive, maximally manageable, functional, does not require anything, does not want, does what they say, does not object, does not have his own opinion and sense of self-worth”.

It is in order to receive love and recognition that the masochist unconsciously chooses to endure and suffer, because this is what his parents broadcast to him: “You with your manifestations of life (hunger, desires, whims, feelings) are inconvenient for us. That's when you learn, instead of wanting something for yourself, to live for others (first of all for us), then come, we will love you. Since no child can grow up without love or at least hope for love, there is nothing left but to adapt first to the parent, and then to the rest of the world by selfless service to others and by self-denial.

And since deprivation and suffering become an important value, the masochist is sure that everyone around should live in accordance with this value. And only those who also suffer or suffer will be recognized by them. The masochist will be hostile or aggressive towards everyone else who “have the audacity” to take care of their needs and interests, without showing these feelings explicitly.”

2. Since in childhood his aggression was suppressed and now has special forms, namely, nominative manipulative and passive-aggressive forms of aggression …

The typical masochist often appears to be the sweetest or quietest person. He does not get angry directly, does not ask, does not demand, does not openly resent and does not make claims. And therefore, most often you will not know what is wrong: what he suffers from, how he is offended, what he lacks. He will endure. You should have “guessed”, and since you didn’t guess, then it’s not good on your part … The accumulated discomfort is defended by the masochist inside, does not find a way out and still turns into aggression. But in childhood, retaliatory aggression was either strictly forbidden ("How, are you still shouting at your mother ?!"), or dangerous - a sadistic father could see an act of disobedience in aggression and attacked the child until any reaction except submission was completely exterminated. In addition, direct aggression interferes with the fulfillment of the plan - to become "higher" than their tormentors. The horror and torment that the "external" sadists delivered to him prevent him from legalizing the sadist in himself - it is too scary. Therefore, the "tormentor" hides and mimics.

As a result, aggression from direct forms turns into indirect, manipulative, inherently sadistic ones. And in their diversity, the masochist has no equal.

--- passive accusation.

Since he devotes himself entirely to serving other people (for example, his children), he also expects the return service. In fact, he expects that someone else's life will go to pay for his life, once “spent” on other people. the suffering of others. A field of endless and often difficult to formulate guilt - this is what his loved ones are forced to live in. Making everyone around them guilty for the fact that they just live and want something, or, on the contrary, actively do not want, is a passive-aggressive response, often not even to what is happening in the family or environment of the masochist now, but to his unfortunate past.

--- passive waiting.

Since the masochist is trained to understand, anticipate and fulfill the desires of others, he subconsciously expects the same from other people … as proof of love and good relations with him.

"What else should I ask?" - the masochist is often indignant, confident that a direct request is an unheard-of impudence, for which they will be punished or rejected.

But if other people have the audacity to want something and openly declare it, then this gives rise to a whole storm of feelings in the masochist: envy, anger, the desire in no case to give, to condemn, to punish. To do in relation to them all the same that they once did to him.

--- passive punishment.

If you do not give up your life enough for the sake of your loved one, a masochist, if you have the audacity to want something that he does not want, then you will be punished … but so that you will not immediately understand what is happening, but unpleasant sensations, pain and suffering at the same time you will have plenty.

The ways of passive punishment are diverse: they will stop talking to you, they will become cold, they will live next to you with the look of undeserved suffering, they will abandon you, deprive you of something important for you (warmth, contact, attention, participation), they will demonstrate to you with all kinds, that you are to blame for the deterioration of their mood or health.

--- passive deprivation.

A masochist will never directly say, "I need help." And he will not ask: "Can I help you with something?" He will do everything himself, although often his participation was not required or even desperately interfered with. He will do everything, even what no one asked for, and he will definitely say: "Can't you see how hard it is for me?" Or he will throw the phrases “into the air”: “I barely carried these heavy bags!”, “Of course, would anyone guess to help!”, “Nobody cares that I need this alone!” … In other words, he will not give you a chance show care and love for him, and then he himself will be offended for the less received. He will deprive you of the opportunity to see him contented, prosperous, healthy, happy. Next to him, you will not be able to feel caring, sympathetic, “good”.

--- passive self-destruction.

If a masochist does not have the opportunity to blame or punish, all that anger that inevitably arises in any person during his life from the fact that he did not live the way he wanted, that he did not allow himself what is really important to him, all this anger turns inward, leading a person to self-destruction. There are many ways of self-destructive behavior, masochists "choose" the one that matches their model - they will suffer. To do this, you can "acquire" a serious, even incurable disease, you can regularly get into trouble and accidents, kill yourself with alcohol and other addictions. An early form of auto-aggression is complete self-destruction and self-punishment - early death.

--- an undeclared exit from the relationship.

The combination of infinite - even a masochist - patience and his inability to bring his own desires into contact, to talk about what he dislikes, to confront, to defend his own, to discuss, to come to an agreement leads to the fact that, tired of suppressing his own discontent and numerous grievances, the masochist at some point suddenly leaves the relationship - without explanation and giving the other side the opportunity to understand what happened, what was wrong, what can be corrected in their behavior or attitude. Often behind this lies anger at the unfulfilled expectation that the other will return the "good" by dedication to which the masochist once went.

3. Provocation of someone else's aggression

A masochist (and most often it is a woman), being raised by a sadistic parent, even growing up, unconsciously (or consciously) strives to recreate a similar model in any close relationship. Therefore, she either chooses men who are prone to manifestations of sadism, or excites a sadistic part in the man with whom she lives. Her sacrificial position provokes aggression among those living nearby, because:

- she does not show her aggression directly, rather throws it into the field of the family in the form of discontent, tacit resentment, hanging tension, ignorance, quiet suffering with reproach.

- she does not accept help and care, rejecting warm feelings and expressions of care of others;

- she always supposedly knows better what is good for others;

- it is important for her to reproduce her childhood model of suffering and deprivation, and therefore proposals to somehow "solve the problem", to make life easier, to change at least something run into her "yes, but …" - she will always have arguments in favor of that it is absolutely necessary to continue suffering, for there is no other way.

- she does not know how to say "no", "stop" and therefore allows those living next to her to walk endlessly on her territory, violate her boundaries, trample on her human dignity, use her desire to serve …

4. Self-denial and intoxicated service to others

Indispensability, necessity, service with full dedication - this is at least some guarantee that implicitly, secretly, love and care will nevertheless seep to him along with a feeling of unconditional "goodness", if not "holiness."

The tragedy of the masochist is lost desire and will. An unborn life of its own. The only pleasure allowed is the measure of suffering endured.

The main illusion of the masochist is that he is not aggressive and does not wish any harm to anyone, although his manipulative anger cripples more than the explicitly presented one. He believes that since he serves others, and not himself, then he is good and needed and will never be abandoned … That if now he lives in need and deprivation, then he will somehow magically become rich. That one day someone will nevertheless come and reward what he deserves and great justice will be done, as in Russian fairy tales: evil and greedy heroes will be overtaken by retribution, and the generous and the poor will be rewarded.

Illusions in the masochist are the last to die. They are much more tenacious than the masochists themselves, because in myths and fairy tales, illusions about retribution for suffering live for centuries …

If a masochistically organized person nevertheless came to a psychotherapist for help and somehow admitted that he needed this help, and not only his loved ones, then a very difficult and most likely long-term work begins, since all the methods of manifestation of masochistic character will act out with the therapist as well.

In this regard, the therapist will have to deal with all sorts of, most often passive-aggressive manifestations of resistance to treatment [with the main idea at the head of everything: "I cannot be helped!" *]

Ira lists these forms of resistance. So:

- There is no money for therapy. Since, thanks to psychological defenses, the masochist considers it a blessing of deprivation, then living in deficit is his principle, his safety, his norm. This also applies to money, which he always does not have, and if they do appear, they will certainly be spent not on themselves. And then, especially with falling motivation and growing resistance, your client will start coming to you every other time or ask for a tangible discount. At the same time, money will be found for all those in need (for example, drinking relatives and other childishly pleading characters). But not to deal with your life. For a masochist, alas, it is customary to be kind at someone else's expense: he will be altruistically kind for someone, and you or the one whose interests he imperceptibly tramples on will pay for it. For you have money, but others, the poor, need it. The fact that he will violate your financial and contractual agreements does not matter to him. It will even be difficult for him to understand you demanding payment, for example, for a missed appointment. He helped those in need! How can you be so materialistic and selfish? On you, he will project himself, always ready to lose for the sake of the needs of someone else. And if you refuse to endure hardship, then this can serve as a reason for his passive anger and, as a result, for a break in relations.

- No time for therapy. Because you need to sit with a sick grandmother, go to circles with children, nurse, look after, invest … in other people's lives, but not in your own. Strong guilt and fear accompany a masochist if he begins to realize that he also has feelings, desires and needs.

The sudden realization that he is pursuing his goals, fulfilling his tasks and wanting something personally for himself and not for others, gives rise to fear, anger and a strong desire to stop all this immediately and return to his previous service.

Unable to cope with the increasing tension, with the exacerbation of the internal conflict between nascent own desires and a strict ban on having them, with increasing anxiety and anger about this, the masochist arranges a subconscious provocation: an attack by another aggressor, an accident, a problem, a catastrophe, an illness, etc. gets the legal and customary right to suffer, and at the same time a respite, or even an excuse to stop therapy on the basis of the need to clean up the consequences of everything that happened …

Since the goal of therapy is to turn the masochist to himself and his life, reducing, as far as possible, self-destructive tendencies and the degree of external and internal self-violence, this can only be done with the help of

the main instrument of therapy is the therapist's own respectful and humane, non-masochistic position, able to be attentive to his own countertransference feelings, conscious and able not to succumb to manipulation, but to constructively and therapeutically show them to the client, teaching him direct ways of interaction and contact [the goal should be the transition from "acting out" to the client's awareness of his true driving motives *]

In order for all this to be possible to implement in therapy, the psychotherapist who chooses to work with masochistic clients is very important himself:

- work out your own masochistic part in order to understand and feel the psychological defenses from the inside;

- work in yourself, learn to notice and interrupt the manipulative game “victim-rescuer-tyrant”, because the masochist has an incredible ability to draw others into it;

- have strong boundaries and a confident right to take care of yourself, your interests without feeling guilty;

- to be able to see, notice and bring into the work those implicit ways of manifesting aggression, which the masochist masterfully owns;

- be able to confront the illusions of the masochist, while giving him sufficient support and support, while remaining in a relationship with him; find healthy parts in him and, relying on them, strengthen his desire to become prosperous, and not to get sick and suffer.