"Back To The Shore". Child Tantrum Guide

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Video: "Back To The Shore". Child Tantrum Guide

Video: "Back To The Shore". Child Tantrum Guide
Video: If These Moments Were Not Filmed, No One Would Believe It! 2024, March
"Back To The Shore". Child Tantrum Guide
"Back To The Shore". Child Tantrum Guide
Anonim

From this material you will learn:

• What is a childish tantrum?

• Are there "manipulative tantrums"?

• What are affects in general?

• How to recognize a tantrum?

• How can we, as parents, support ourselves when a child is hysterical?

• How can we support the child?

• What shouldn't you do?

Children's tantrum. Every parent faced it, and few people easily got out of this situation: without a feeling of guilt and annoyance, without unpleasant memories that you want to erase from your memory.

How to survive a child's tantrum with minimal losses for all participants? Where can an adult get the strength to restrain his own negative emotions and support the child? Can it be prevented, and if so, how? What mistakes should be avoided so as not to make things worse and not cause psychological trauma to the child for life? I will answer these and other questions in this article.

What is hysteria?

Let's start with a definition. Hysteria is an affective, that is, uncontrollable state.

If a child cries loudly and bitterly, but responds to requests, keeps in touch - this is not hysteria. Hysteria is a state in which a person, and especially a child, loses contact with the outside world. In hysterics, it is very difficult, almost impossible for a child to stop himself.

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Controlled and uncontrolled tantrums

In the psychological literature, there is often a division into controlled hysteria (sometimes the name "manipulative" comes across) and uncontrollable. As if these are some two classes of hysterics or two types of states. In fact, this division is very arbitrary. Remember yourself when you are in a strong psychological imbalance: is it always possible to draw a line between states when you are still in control of your reactions, and when they are already "over the top", and you do not control them? Hard.

Scientists cannot yet accurately answer the question of when and why a strong emotion (when the centers of the brain still control our actions and rational behavior persists) develops into affect (when rational behavior is turned off and “wild” instincts begin to guide us).

But if an adult is still capable of "manipulative hysterics" (or some manipulation until the time when he falls under the power of affect), then the child - and this is our deep conviction - never arrange a hysterical from the calculation.

We often see how, seemingly "demonstrative" at first glance, children's hysteria develops into a real, affective one. Especially if parents follow popular advice: step back, ignore, “don't support manipulation,” etc. Only a minute ago, he was crying "picturesquely" - and now he can hardly breathe and does not remember himself.

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A child under 6-7 years old is not able to manipulate, that is, invent and introduce a system of methods of ideological and socio-psychological influence in order to change the thinking and behavior of other people, contrary to their interests.

And even after 6-7 years, if a child is touched by something on a deep emotional level, he immediately loses the regulation that is characteristic of an adult and which supports "calculating" behavior.

In this article, we will consider any child tantrum as an affect or a condition preceding the affect.

Tantrum, affects and body feeling

What is affect? In a state of passion, the brain structures responsible for civilized, social self-regulation - a kind of "fine tuning" - are turned off and "give way" to the more ancient, "animal" structures: the reptilian brain. This occurs in situations that the body perceives as extreme, requiring quick and strong reactions.

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In these states, we cannot think and reason, we act, and these actions are instinctive - bodily. And the key to getting out of these states also lies in the zone of corporeality. That is why the main emphasis in this article is precisely on the bodily.

The sense of the body - how much we feel the contours of our body, are aware of bodily experiences - is our anchor in situations where all other supports are swept away by a whirlwind of affect. "Body Sense" are the two main words to remember if you are faced with a childish tantrum.

How to recognize a tantrum?

Since hysteria is a very "animal", spontaneous process, it is easier to notice it with the "belly", the "animal" part of our "I". In the civilized world, this will sound unusual, but it is much easier to “understand”, “see” a hysteria with a body than with a head.

Hysterics has vivid bodily manifestations that are easy to notice: the child loses the rhythm of breathing, chokes with tears and screams, throws himself on the floor or bangs his head on objects, does not respond to calls. At the moment of hysteria, the child experiences a very difficult feeling of no boundaries, loss of support, complete disorientation.

Every mom and every dad can always feel (we emphasize, do not understand, namely, wholeheartedly perceive, literally feel): the child is in himself, in contact with you, with the world, or as if "overflowed the banks."

It is no coincidence that when we want to describe a state of passion, an uncontrollable emotion, we say "a surge of emotions", "emotions over the edge." The analogy of a water or a river is very suitable for a hysteria. Water that moves along its course gives life. But if it overflows, overflows the banks, then this is an element that can cause harm, cause damage.

Let us remember this analogy with you: hysteria is water overflowing the banks, a spontaneous phenomenon.

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The hysterics began. What to do?

First of all, "save" yourself

Remember the plane: "In case of danger, first put on an oxygen mask on yourself, then on the child"? For us to be able to help a child get through a tantrum, we need to feel resilient ourselves. So that we ourselves have something to rely on.

The other person's affect is "contagious." The mechanism for the "transfer" of affect is quite simple. As we said, the affect "turns on" in an extreme situation. So, if the other considered the situation dangerous, it means that I also need to be on the alert, the danger is somewhere nearby. Or I perceive as a danger the person himself in affect. Click - and the brain "turns on" the affect in which we cannot reason soberly, but are ready to act with incredible speed and power.

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That is why, when an explosion of affect occurs next to us, we feel in ourselves a lightning readiness to explode afterwards. “What would you do!” - we say inside ourselves, at the same time trying to cling to the remaining self-control available to us. Next to a hysterical child, we often want to yell and growl, swear, throw things and bite someone. A child's tantrum provokes a parent's tantrum.

Where can we find support in this difficult moment?

The number one support is our body

Let us recall that affect is the transition of an organism to a very ancient level of self-regulation. This is evidenced by the very name of the part of the brain that “rules everything” at the moment of affect - “the reptilian brain”. No persuasion or persuasion is available or understood by this part of the brain. Our lifeline in this situation is the body, bodily sensations.

Try to walk your body with attention.

Try to feel your weight, the way your feet are on the ground, giving you primary support. Trace your breathing in your mind. Are you breathing evenly or are you holding your breath? Can you breathe out? See if you can participate in the situation and at the same time maintain a sense of your own body, your muscles, your breathing?

It can be difficult, especially without training - it seems that the crying baby fills the whole world, and there is no place for something else. This is fine. It will be great even if you can only make a few small attempts to notice yourself and your body. The situation may begin to change imperceptibly even after such seemingly microscopic movements. And after several attempts it will become easier and more familiar.

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Do not expect and do not demand any specific results from yourself: to feel this or to relax there. Popular articles often recommend counting to 10, breathing deeper, and relaxing your muscles. Let us emphasize: we do not have a task to change something, calm down or relax. Just notice the body, observe your sensations, explore - and not change.

We think that someone will be interested in why, in a situation of such strong tension, we do not give recommendations to relax, and even insist that people not do this? Paying attention to the body is very important for the body, helping it to “turn on” bodily resources and direct them to self-regulation. The body will align itself if we put our trust in automatic internal programs. A volitional, forced relaxation will be like “swallowing affect” - an attempt to hold back the reactions rushing outward in the body. Such "swallowing" can turn into a whole set of various discomfort conditions and psychosomatic diseases for the body.

Therefore, we propose to breathe, and stay with what is, observe our bodily sensations, be aware of them.

This will make your body your first fulcrum. Try to be inside the situation and at the same time feel yourself, your bodily experiences.

Help from others

It doesn't always come to mind, but the second most important support, after your own body, can be the people around you.

Children's tantrum in a crowded place causes embarrassment and difficult feelings even for the most unflappable parents. These feelings make it difficult to get support, but try it anyway.

Take a look around, maybe there is someone nearby who is sympathetic and sympathetic to your situation? Maybe this is the old woman who makes the second circle past you, not daring to come up and help? Or a mother with other children, who has also found herself in a similar situation more than once, and looks with understanding?

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Remember how you yourself have witnessed the difficulty of another person. We often hesitate to approach, but are ready to respond to a request for help. Listen to yourself, are you ready to accept support from another person? You may decide to somehow let them know that you need help.

If someone close to you or a family member whom your child trusts, ask him to take over the situation until you get back to normal.

Our reactions

Here are the reactions that most often overwhelm a parent during a child's tantrum. Have you ever experienced any of this?

Anger ("I just don't like her screaming!")

Fear ("What if something is wrong with him, but I just don't notice?")

Shame ("I want to disappear, I can't stand it when she screams like that and attracts the attention of others!")

Overcrowding ("If he were silent even for a minute, I could get my bearings!")

Confusion ("I do not understand what is happening to her? What suddenly happened ?!")

Sympathy ("How hard it is for him, I have to come to the rescue!")

Own pain (“When I was throwing a tantrum, my mother was angry, told me not to yell and left the room …”)

Powerlessness and despair ("She doesn't calm down, no matter what I do, nothing helps her!")

We do not always have time to realize these reactions, and we cannot always detect each one separately. More often we experience them as a mixed seething stream of emotions, pulsating in our ears, veiling our eyes, filling our heads with fog.

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In addition, these reactions conflict with each other, block each other. For example, fear blocks the expression of anger (“I can't get angry with her if I'm afraid she is sick”), or shame blocks the manifestation of fear (“I can't gasp loudly or start calling out loud for help because I'm paralyzed with shame”).

It is difficult to withstand the heat and not go into passion on your own. Awareness of each of the senses separately can help. Notice how they appear in you, how they are all present together at the same moment, how they fight among themselves. Simple tracking and awareness of your own reactions can help you navigate a situation and feel the ground under your feet again.

Acceptance of the situation

Often the natural disaster of children's tantrums is so strong that all of the above methods are ineffective. A depressed and desperate parent feels that he or she cannot find a good solution and take control of the situation.

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At this point, acceptance of the situation can become a support. Confession: "Yes, right now I am powerless, but I am doing and will do the best that I can." Especially if you notice a strong tension, as if you want to fight - with the child, with yourself, with what is happening - try to take a short pause and take a mental look at the situation, accepting yourself and the child in it as you are.

Here is a useful rule: if now there is no strength to correct the situation, if you do not know what to do, wait, exhale, accept.

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How can I help my child?

In order to decide how and how we can help the baby, it is important to understand what he needs in the moment of tantrum the most.

Let's put ourselves in his place. What would we like from the closest person, at the moment when we are overwhelmed by uncontrollable, unbearable emotions? Most likely understanding and support, right? So it is with a child: in this difficult situation, he desperately needs parental presence, acceptance and sympathy.

How can we pass on our support to a child?

Love and empathy, experience and logic will come to the rescue. Let's return to our image of a river overflowing the banks: a child in hysterics lost his “banks” - to support him, you need to give him a fulcrum, create reliable “banks” so that they “accommodate” his feelings.

This is called containment. Containment is a popular psychological term. Translated from English "to contain" (container, containing) means "to contain", "to contain".

Remember what we did first to calm ourselves down? Feel your body. A child who is hysterical is in a state of "loss" of his own boundaries: he literally does not physically feel his body, its boundaries, the boundaries of this world. He is lost and helpless.

How can we help a child to regain boundaries? The easiest and best way to do this is through physical contact. Your own body will tell you a specific way: try different forms of tactile contact, and very soon you will find the one that works best for your child. You will tune in with him, how to complement him and be able to help you to feel your boundaries and the boundaries of the world around him.

What actions can these be?

We can provide “shores” for the child in different ways: with the help of a strong hug, touch, voice, words. It is important that, first of all, it is bodily interaction. Talk to him, persuade, threaten, ask, etc. - it's useless, he simply does not understand you and does not hear you at this moment. But you can squat down next to him and hug him tightly.

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Embrace

Rake it in a bunch. So your body, your energy will temporarily become those "shores". Gently, confidently, visibly create a ring around the baby. You can hug just below the shoulders so that your hands are on his back. Hug tightly so that he can see the boundaries around him and feel his body again. You can even sit on the floor and wrap your arms and legs.

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It is important here to be attentive and responsive to the signals that come from the child. If he says that he is "hurt" or "hard," loosen the hug. Bodily contact should not be violent and should not be perceived as such by the child; if it is an invasion for him, he will report it.

Listen to the nature of the message - often children protest not in full force, with fake indignation. So they check if you will be there and further (whether you will not give up, will not leave at the first opportunity), whether they can trust your presence.

And they also show their anger in relation to the world that offended them. If the child protests "for show," he will quickly calm down, immersed in a new bodily experience of stability and support around him.

Touches

In addition to strong hugs, you can use touch. Continue to touch it with your hands, making emphasized, as if massage, punches, reinforcing each movement with soothing words. Our task now is to help the child notice his body. With little children, you can say: "Here are the Cars (or your) hands, here are your legs, here, here they are", passing them along the arms and legs with strong and soft movements.

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Voice

The next way to influence is the voice. We begin to speak in a calm, grounded voice. Attention: this is not a threatening voice or a shout, not a downward appeal - this is a lower, deeper, chest voice. It is known that it is easier for people to hear words pronounced in just such a timbre. We speak slowly and confidently, this will help the child feel that they can rely on us.

I am near, I love and accept you

Words are the next level of interaction. When the child gradually begins to return "to himself", you can slowly begin to speak. Now it is important to help him navigate what happened.

It's time for recognition. We do not repulse the child, do not punish him, do not evaluate, but simply admit what happened, name what is happening at the moment.

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Now the child is able to hear and perceive monosyllabic messages. It is the simple phrases that will help the kid find his way, brick by brick to restore the picture of reality. "Masha is crying", "Masha is crying", "Masha is very upset", "Masha is angry." We confirm that we are seeing the child. And this is extremely necessary for him - to be noticed.

And yet - to be understood. “Masha is upset”, “Masha wanted to buy a toy in the store” - we introduce each new item in the message slowly, repeating the previous one several times, making sure that the child accepted it.

Observe: which of the messages caused the most reaction - a second pause in crying, a quick glance. This means that it is precisely this that best of all gives the child the opportunity to feel that we see him, understand and accept him.

If the child somehow reacted to your speech, if he began to maintain a dialogue (even just interrupted crying in response to some phrase), then (fanfare sounds!) You coped with it and brought him out of the phase of acute disorientation and hysteria.

Negotiation

The exit itself is not a matter of a second. This is a fairly long phase, often lasting longer than the hysteria itself. In it there is a gradual return of the child, and yours (since the accompaniment of affect is always a great stress), "to the shores", to a normal life.

At this stage, the same body contact helps (hugs, squeezes, swaying with a gradual decrease in amplitude, fading of the rhythm), maintaining a dialogue (question-answer, even on an abstract topic), acceptance and desire to understand (not active questioning, but the movement of the soul to the child).

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At some point (perhaps an hour or more after the tantrum), you will feel the child's willingness to talk about what happened. Try to tell the child, formulate for him what happened.

So we slowly and smoothly move on to negotiations. Negotiation is an attempt, together with the child, to understand what led to "overflowing the banks", what was the reason, whether it is possible to look at the problem in a new way, whether it is possible to find a more harmonious solution.

Negotiation is about finding meaning for the child and with him.

We have analyzed different ways to help ourselves and a child in a state of passion. Now let's talk about popular pedagogical techniques that we think are not the most suitable for this situation.

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What shouldn't you do?

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In popular literature, there are often recommendations to ignore, ignore, not interfere, and sometimes get away from a crying child altogether. These recommendations are based, in part, on the observation that a tantrum ends when it has no witnesses. This is a very subtle point where it is important to stop.

If a child has a hysteria, it is a sign that he was already frustrated in some of his needs, not supported in some movement. For example, he wanted to take possession of some object, or, more often, the object was an excuse to get the parent's assistance in something. Confirmation of the parent's favor, that the parent 1) notices, 2) recognizes, 3) takes it seriously. Yes, yes, this seemingly simple situation with a toy in a children's store can be an expression of a much more complex composition of feelings, attitudes and needs of all family members.

So, the child wanted to get the parent's recognition. And the parent did not notice the subtle play of feelings, rushed in interpretations, decided that the child was using it (“You already have a bunch of toys!”) Or simply rejected: “I said I wouldn’t buy, stop whining.”

The affect that follows this message in the child is his reaction to the loss of connection with the parent, and not to the loss of hope for the toy.

If at this moment the parent moves further away from the child, then the child is left with an intolerable experience of loneliness, rejection and despair. The hysteria will end in this case too, and, as some non-observant experts note, it will pass much faster and easier, "without witnesses", but it will be a different ending. From this situation, the child will take with him into adulthood the memory of his own loneliness.

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I leave the children's store yesterday. From somewhere nearby, "A-A-A!" Is heard, so desperate, filled with energy! Family: mom, grandmother and two-year-old baby. The boy wants a toy.

Through the screams, again and again, you can clearly make out: "Bibika-ah." Mom, swallowing irritation, says: "Okay, calm down, I'll go now and buy you this car!" The child temporarily calms down and looks closely in anticipation - and this gives the mother the opportunity to make one more dash: from the checkout to the elevator, from the fourth floor to the first, from the elevator to the street.

Mom runs away from the store and tries to stretch the time and distract attention with such an "innocent deception." I ride with them in the elevator and see: the child believes.

Every time mom repeats this phrase, the child believes.

He looks with his eyes for a toy or memorable bright store shelves in front of him, he expects that now something will begin to happen that will ease his suffering. But reality inevitably turns in its direction: they leave the store.

Mom says one thing - and something completely different is happening.

The child was not confused, did not look deceived. On his face, there was no comprehension of deception or the experience of substitution. Horror and unbearableness were reflected on his face. Not only with the toy - with his whole world, with all the relationships available to him now - something terrible, indescribable, incomprehensible was happening.

After all, from the very beginning (remember the hysteria and loss of connection?), He hoped to find a reflection of himself in his mother's eyes. Not finding, the boy probably experienced pain and fear, and began to scream and cry about it. Mom's promise to buy a toy was just this reflection, his remark. But something is going wrong! The toy does not appear. What's happening?

When the boy grows up, he is unlikely to remember this episode and will be able to tell about it. Because this story happened to him in the pre-verbal period, at a time when very few things had their names, when words and clear concepts did not yet exist in his world. He will remember only - physically, mentally - a mixed and inexplicable feeling of confusion, despair and deception, a feeling without a name, a feeling without explanation.

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The “Oh, look, the bird flew” strategy is also unsuccessful in a situation where the child is captured by strong feelings. Of course, in this way we will distract and switch the child, but his need - to be noticed, accepted and supported in some of his original movement - will be frustrated.

Switching a child from one process, in which there was a lot of his energy, to another, creates confusion in his mind. The previous situation ends before it ends. A sudden, inexplicable change takes place. It is difficult to orientate in a new situation, because it has arisen suddenly. Confusion.

If in childhood parents often resort to this technique, then the child (and, subsequently, the adult) has difficulties in noticing and understanding their needs, difficulties in remaining stable in the face of limitations, the impossibility of anything.

And that's why. With this tactic, the child is easily confused and deceived by the adult. Indeed, he switches over and “forgets” about his previous desire. He does not get upset and does not demand, but simply "switches" to a new process. However, in the initial situation, the child needed support in facing the limitations of the world, with the fact that not everything is possible, support in surviving the wave of inevitable grief. Find your bearings in the situation, understand that there is a prohibition, fight and lose, get upset and survive the loss.

But all these processes turn out to be crumpled, and the child remains confused and does not receive the necessary experience. In the end, this tactic turns out to be a solution to the problem for the parent, but not for the child.

And the child will still understand, or rather, he will have a vague feeling that he was deceived, not heard or supported.

The exceptions are those situations in which the child seems to be mechanically stuck in some process. This usually happens when the outburst of hysteria is already behind, the child feels supported, the adult's attention is directed to him, and he is tired and does not know how to move on, and seems to be stuck in a monotonous groaning. Then switching can help the child find new energy in a new activity, and is a significant help to the child in orientation.

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"Bend over", give in against one's own will

Sometimes we surround the child with "preventive" prohibitions and boundaries - we prohibit something that, in fact, on reflection, we could and would allow. We have many reasons. Often we unconsciously repeat what the children themselves heard from their parents: "You can't have one more candy, the priest will stick together." Or "we keep the border" to make sure that we are in control of the situation: "If I let him now, he will sit on his neck later." Sometimes we just do not have time to think and prohibit automatically: “Because because everything ends in“U”.

If you notice that the next ban on your part has exactly this character, stop for a moment. Perhaps you will find the energy in yourself - to reconsider the decision. In this case, the very cancellation of the previous decision can become a precedent for an adult, trusting communication, an important event for a child. “I thought about it and decided that I was too hasty to forbid you this. Perhaps I was mistaken, and I am ready to allow”. It will be pleasant and useful for the child to learn about how the mother makes decisions, as well as to find out how carefully you are about your relationship.

But if, after rechecking, you affirm that this border is still important to you, please be patient. By acknowledging the child's desire to cross the line, accepting it with the full force of his reaction to the prohibition, reaffirm the boundary for him over and over again. This creates for him the very "shores" that we talked about at the very beginning, helps him to face and learn to deal with limitations. The boundaries that are important to you must remain firm. And this does not exclude the recognition by the mother of the child's feelings, his desire to violate the border, his grief, that this is impossible to do.

This is a twofold and difficult role - to prohibit and support, calm the child at the same time.

(c) Zhanna Belousova, gestalt therapist

Kirill Kravchenko, gestalt therapist

Gestalt therapy studio "Tandem"

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