Lend A Helping Hand! Is It Worth ?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Real life story. Published with permission of contributors and name changes

Askhat has just graduated from college. While he earns little, but his wife Marzhan makes far-reaching plans for him. With the energy inherent in modern women, she begins to help Askhat to become people, introduces him to the right people, helps in business. Things are going hard at first, but after a year, things are going uphill. But with family life, everything happens the other way around. At first, difficulties rallied the spouses, and then problems began. Marzhan began to notice with annoyance that Askhat began to stay late at work, and was less and less at home. It was especially offensive that Askhat began to oust Marzhan from their, as it seemed to her, common cause. Say, it is better for her to do household chores. Well, she focused on arranging the apartment, hoping that home comfort would re-create an atmosphere of intimacy. But, alas, this did not happen. Askhat announced that he was leaving her.

It was a lifelong insult! How can you? After she helped him so much, did almost everything herself for him, raised him to his feet?

Yes, this is one of the deepest disappointments one can have in life - to face the ingratitude of people who have been helped in some way. Faith in justice is crumbling: we wanted good, but at best we get indifference, and often even dislike of the one on whom we have spent so much energy.

People who are faced with a similar situation conclude that it is never worth helping anyone again under any circumstances, others, having hardened their souls, perhaps no less come to the opposite decision and, as it were, take on the role of a missionary who must bring light to lost souls … And the third - they will be upset immensely, then they will forget the offense and again step on the same rake.

… After graduation, a young specialist comes to work for a company. Out of the best intentions, an experienced employee “takes patronage” over him, helping him in everything. However, soon the young specialist acquires the necessary qualifications and begins to cope with everything himself, and not bad. When he moves to another job, his mentor wishes him well and asks him not to forget the teacher. But how! The “student” clearly does not feel grateful and even shies away from meeting his former colleague.

Unfortunately, quite often the same scenario turns into a drama, if it unfolds not in the service, but in the family, between parents and children. How often do they spare no effort in raising a child, in every way they protect, support, help? And suddenly some parents, like ships on an iceberg, come across the black ingratitude of the younger generation. Sometimes even children reproach their parents for creating hothouse living conditions for them.

To navigate these paradoxes, it is worth trying to answer a simple question - what are the motives of the one who helps

If this is done in the hope of getting something in return, then this, to put it mildly, is not entirely smart. Because whoever is assisted recognizes and avenges this deferred market transaction.

But the tangle is tangled here. Quite often, those who help are, as it were, higher than the one who needs help. Providing it, he willy-nilly emphasizes this inequality, which turns out to be a fly in the ointment. The one who helps asserts himself to others or to himself. To feel a sense of superiority is a huge temptation, stronger than many material benefits.

Marzhan clearly asserted herself in the eyes of Askhat, besides, she wanted everyone to see the "coolness" of her own husband. And she, a volunteer teacher-mentor, was undoubtedly pleased to demonstrate her skills to a beginner.

Unconsciously, many people feel that it is necessary to cope with difficulties on their own. Only in this case can you achieve self-respect and earn the respect of others. Askhat was clearly a strong personality. Which had to develop independently. Paradoxical as it may seem, the ability to make decisions himself, sometimes even erroneous ones, turned out to be more important for him than just success in business! The situation is the same with the parents. When they overprotect their children, they do not have the opportunity to develop freely. Hence the protest - secret or overt, hence the lack of gratitude.

So!

• Take your time to help someone. Take time to consider how much help is needed. It can interfere with the freedom of choice of another person or humiliate him in some way. Perhaps you need this help more to solve your own problems. Be very tactful about helping. The measure should be suggested by intuition and common sense. It is best if a person directly, without hesitation, asks for help.

• By and large, it is not necessary to provide assistance without a “request”, and the relationship will remain cleaner. In addition, a "freebie" instantly decomposes a person, he takes help for granted. Of course, there are no rules without exceptions. It happens that a person in need of help cannot formulate a “request”: he is embarrassed, confused, or cannot even assume that someone is ready to help. Seeing that the "request" is not being received, and the damage threatens to become irreversible, many decide: they need help!

However, in the place of the one who receives help, there may be a worthy and wise person who will be able to be grateful, will be able to put relationships high.

What is the right way to behave when giving help?

• Never expect gratitude. Help should be valuable in and of itself, not in its consequences. Rather, on the contrary, one must be prepared for negative reactions. And don't attribute this to the evil nature of humans. Usually this is one of the manifestations of a person's desire for independence and in itself is necessary for his further development.

An ancient wisdom says: if you did good and did not tell anyone about it, then you believe in God. I do not urge you to go into religion without fail, but I recommend cultivating in yourself aloofness from the world of primitive values and immediately dismiss any form of reward for good.

• Any help entails both positive changes and negative consequences for both parties. If, after thoughtful thought, you nevertheless decide to help, be prepared to accept later on both.

I sincerely wish you all peace of mind !!!