Conflict Is Fuel For Development

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

-------------------------------------

This is another perspective from personal experience or another point of view.

-------------------------------------

What is conflict? - This is when you run into something in a partner.

In conciliation, one cannot capture the actual qualities of a partner. We catch this when the partner has a distinct desire or resistance. Bumping into desire or resistance - you really feel it.

If a couple never conflicts, it means that they have a candy-bouquet period, or that they do not develop in a pair. People can have close relationships and still not develop.

What is pair development? - By development, here we mean the study of the qualities of character, needs, ideas about life, secret aspirations and side-altars of each other. Instead of developing through the study of conflicting views on events, circumstances, desires and permissions, people in order to avoid conflicts can decide to simply agree: let everyone have a sore spot and this does not concern anyone in each other. Yes, but it is precisely the “sick” / sore thing that is the most alive in a person. This is exactly what makes him a person, this is the most urgent thing in him. it existed in him as something secret and at the same time hurt. This whole topic ("sore spot") is a really vital area of growth.

Feel the difference between "it touches so much that it hurts" and the satisfaction of ordinary needs and whims of each other as a couple. If you have agreed to satisfy some whims, but at the same time in no case get into the sore, then this is a contractual relationship. Until you in your partner have run into something where he is resisting, then your partner has not yet appeared in front of you. And while this is so, with all the sympathy for each other, you are not bathed in acceptance of each other - no. Neither he nor you yet even know what you will have to accept in each other. And while you still do not know what is behind the shell, you are bathed in advances in acceptance and you are still carried by a stream of mutual curiosity, which is important at the start of a relationship. The "start" can drag on like a protracted foreplay, but the fear of disappointing or causing "pain" by touching a charged topic can prevent one from opening up to one another. For example, the fear of rejection may never allow sex to happen. And because of these psychological fears, many couples choose not to go deeper in their relationship. Depth in relationships is possible only when exploring topics charged for a partner. In many couples, when there is physical sex, "psychological sex" never happens.

What's scary? - Fear of destroying what is.

After all, every conflict is a risk, a risk that this conflict may be the last. But a "correctly" conducted conflict takes you to a new level of understanding each other. And now those who sympathize with each other have a chance to fall in love. A properly conducted conflict brings gifts (the fruits of your relationship), and these fruits make you richer, more valuable to each other. So you will find out what the partner is ready to really endure and to what extent his love extends, which means you can see what scale his personality is and now you perceive what your love for him flows through. This is how something new in him is revealed that you never cease to fall in love with over and over again. This process makes the relationship alive. Or you discover something that makes it clear for you that this is not your soul mate (it is also very cool to reveal it in a timely manner - it saves him and yours life time).

The human personality has chapels, chapels of personal experience. Experience contains the energy of knowledge and personal strength. The information that a person took without experience, alas, does not contain such energy. The personal experience through which his knowledge of the world came to a person makes him what he has become. What is experienced makes the individual that unique and unrepeatable as we observe him in action. The motor skills of movements, the transmission of desires, emotions and meanings all add up to a completely definite recognizable image. This image of a person has nothing to do with his awareness and even with the encyclopedic knowledge that he can demonstrate to us. Personal experience of "understanding" about the World contains personally assimilated energy, which, when there is a lot of it, becomes charisma. On the contrary, in "naked information" divorced from experience, there is no such energy and therefore university students, listening to many "correctly speaking" lecturers, fall asleep from boredom, because there is no energy of the lecturer's experience there. Living youth, having vividly spent the evening the night before, "wakes up" in lectures when it comes to living examples or a lecture is given by a live lecturer who has experience in what he is talking about.

So, from the energy of experience, the following desires and the next curiosity are born, the realization of which already lies beyond the boundaries of what is known. That is why it is so important for a person to follow his desires, to follow his lively curiosity. There, beyond the bounds of the unknown, a new is revealed in the personality of a person, there is a sense of new territories and freedoms. It may seem to you “horror, horror as it is impossible”, but this is exactly what will become new energy / new charisma, and even if there really is “horror - horror” - let your loved one go there.

It is with these "horrors and freedoms" that you understand the conflict. Approaching real boundaries, we are afraid, afraid of our psychological Death. Our side-altars are getting ready to collapse, which means new borders are being formed, but there I do not know how I am.

How will I live my life with my new self? - In the old way, I know how, but not in the new way yet.

My partner will be new with an "extended option" and go know how to deal with this new one. Everything is scary, from the fact that many delay the showdown or the clarification of their needs so much that they reach the point that their relationship begins to "smell bad". Until one of them understands that in such a situation, parting is not the worst decision and the risk of raising a "sore subject" is justified. And then they start talking … and it often happens that you can not part.

So what is the right way to handle a conflict?

A correctly deployed and conducted conflict of interest brings both partners to a new level of understanding of each other's needs. From such a process, there is more freedom and clarity in relationships. We can say "enlightenment" comes in pairs.

Let's start with the question, what is a conflict? - This is, by and large, just negotiations. Negotiations, the purpose of which is to more co-adjust the developing in a pair and to introduce deeper with each other, take a fresh look at the common space generated by two personalities.

How is this "wrong" conflict? - Wrong, this is when the compromise situation is "50/50".

The partners entered into a relationship with the anticipation of realizing their one hundred percent potential of desires in the hope that the partner will accept all this (although not all is obliged to participate). In the event of a conflict, when one disagrees with part of the interests of the other, he demands to sacrifice this part for his own comfort, motivating this by the fact that he himself will be ready to give up part of his own desires. It seems like a good decision to the one who requires sacrifices, since he tends to regularly sacrifice his needs. If they agreed on this, then now everyone has less of their own interests than they had before mutual relations. Here they are sitting, looking at each other and sulking: they have found a compromise, but there is no joy. In this situation, each of the partners feels energetically worse, but the fear of loneliness scares more …

Now these "close people" are both offended. But everyone secretly hopes that he will be able to quietly realize his desires somewhere on the side without announcing to his partner. Moreover, both feel that they are now farther from each other than before the conflict.

Another option for the development of events in the case of a compromise solution is to get sick, but this is hardly the best option. “All human diseases are his unfulfilled desires,” say the Indians.

A compromise leads to the fact that the person in paired interactions becomes “less” than he had himself without taking into account their partnership. Then in such a relationship - "closely". When paired with someone close to our desires, then these desires begin to burst into us from the inside with symptoms of disease. A relationship in which one of the partners insists on a compromise is not about a living, striving for development, but about functionality in a partner, which the one who wants to compromise wants to use in the other to embody his static image "my ideal relationship". The rest does not fit into this picture of relations, and what "sticks out" in the partner, he wants to cut off.

The "50/50" way of negotiating is characteristic of formal relationships, the purpose of which is not love, but the mutual exchange of services and the leasing of "myself" for mutual assistance in the implementation of the project "my successful life", its attributes and people (moreover, people here really in the end).

Client Story: She - I don't know what to do! He says to me: "if you go to your trainings, then I will go to the bar." I begin to think to myself: "there may be girls in the bar and I start to get jealous; what if he gets drunk there." So I sit at home in the evening. Both are sitting ((Another scenario is how “wrong”. This is when one of the partners wins in the process of the conflict. When he is energetically or socially stronger, then he can logically force to sacrifice in the name of himself "more correct".

Having sacrificed his interests and yielding to "a part of himself", now he does not hope to fully realize his desires and goes out, cutting off a part of himself. This means that he is now less enthusiastic to invest in relationships. The system as a whole starts to lose. And the extinct state of the partner is contagious. The one who "won" in the dispute either begins to wither himself, or changes his partner.

Conflict done correctly is when both win. Yes, everyone wins, not when the strongest wins. It is a holistic approach to living life. This is about the fact that everything is important inside the system as well as inside the person.

A correctly conducted conflict is when all interests are heard and taken into account.

- Do you want this? Yes, on health, of course it can surprise me - greatly surprise and even frighten, but "what can't you do for your beloved." How can I help you with this? If I don't even want to participate in this, how can I help you with this? For example, in jumping from a bridge - I will not participate (I'm afraid), but can I take a picture of you from the shore? or

- And I still have not tried this and this.

- Let's try, share your experience, or maybe we will try it together ?!

And there are more freedoms in a couple. A partner's inspiration is contagious! Here, everyone brings into the relationship something that was not there before. New discoveries, fresh thoughts and impressions.

Isn't that what every person dreams about? - About being accepted as correct and healthy. Healthy from the word "great!" In such relationships, a geometric progression of living energy happens and curiosity about life grows, which means that there are more healthy achievements and, as a result of happiness, with mutual support. This cannot be compared to a relationship involving a compromise, where each lonely pulls the blanket over himself and wants to get more and spend less, which is characteristic of a beggarly consciousness. We can allow from the consciousness of abundance. An abundant approach to life is a source of royal generosity.

Both are "mothers" in such a relationship. This makes people "hardened charismatics" - beautiful and free in their power. The mood for mutual permissiveness to each other and the willingness to participate in each other's adventures opens the way there. Such a union gives rise to synergy (synergy is the summing effect of the interaction of two or more factors, characterized by the fact that their action significantly exceeds the effect of each individual component in the form of their simple sum). It is in such unions that the idea of “Hellenic gods is embodied.” How are the legendary gods different from people? Yes, because they are powerful - they can.

Wanting means being able? - Not the fact that it works when you are a couple.

Imagine you want something in a couple, and the partner “slows down”. He may not put up direct obstacles and not even object openly, but with all his bewildered face he can slow you down very much, so it will be very difficult to be able to. And think maybe you are doing the same. Is it not in this way that we exalted partners, at the beginning of personal relationships, then become unlucky people (losing their strength and scolding before the condemning views of their neighbors). Of course, the clarification of mutual interests does not always take place on a wave of high enthusiasm.

Ask yourself: not why does he "so - and so" not understand my subtle soul, but for what do you exchange your living parts while receiving secondary benefits and do not live yourself entirely next to him? Secondary benefits may include: family status; the status of material compliance with your pictures of a successful life; pride in seeing oneself as a savior (a very unexpected secondary benefit and for many it is scary to find it in oneself).

And maybe, if this is your case, then you will incriminate yourself in some kind of self-interest from these tasteless and timid relationships. You may suddenly discover if you think that without them it is somehow freer and easier for you to live yourself, but it’s scary to admit it to yourself. After all, when we agree to something that is not quite to our heart, then we are already in conflict (in an internal conflict with ourselves). Being in an internal conflict for a long time, a person exhausts himself with internal contradictions. He will be terribly afraid of external conflicts, because he does not know how to resolve them either inside or outside. Being in an internal conflict, we do not see a way to allow ourselves to realize some of our needs, which, as it seems to us, can destroy what we have. For example, our own reputation - “to lose face” (this is how we steal from ourselves, not allowing ourselves to live entirely.) Then what to expect from a partner? …

Maybe there is no need to rush to agree to a relationship in which it is uncomfortable? A relationship that requires compromise? Maybe first you should get away from compromises within yourself - let yourself grow to a good relationship with yourself, generously giving yourself time to sort out your own needs. Then it will be possible to go into a relationship with a willingness to allow the partner to be whole with all his desires, including those that are incomprehensible to us.

When we learn to listen to ourselves, we are ready to hear the other. By listening to the other in the right conflict, we turn the conflict into a narrative. In a two-sided storytelling, where everyone can tell about themselves what they did not dare to say before. If we think in the category of abundance, all the time of the world is ours, and we are in no hurry to fill all the pauses. We can listen endlessly when we are not in a hurry, we can listen so that we can be heard.

A properly conducted conflict begins with a narrative and this is no longer a confrontation, but a heart-to-heart talk. Imagine what you are listening and what is there between the lines - after all, this is the most important piece of information. It is by the length of the pauses that I understand what is important to my dear person. It is because of the fear of my pauses, pauses in my story, when he tries to interrupt me, that I see what the partner is afraid of most in my story. And exactly where he is "scared", I gently and confidently invite him. Otherwise, why all this? Why do I need a partner who will be afraid of some of my facets, how can I be myself with him.

For a number of people, in order to understand that certain relationships are not worth it, they have to be convinced of this through years of experience of quarrels. Where at first it will seem that “one day the partner will change for me or accept me entirely”, but unfortunately, very often “one day” does not come. And the first and second beliefs that he will change, that he will accept me - there are delusions.

If this is about you, then it may be time to draw conclusions by revising the internal postulates.

First, maybe the very idea that "the other will change" is the main mistake? If I think so, then I see it as a semi-finished product, but is it so? Maybe the problem is not in him, but in me?

Second, maybe I don't accept myself with all my value meanings? Is he a secondary partner in this chain of rejection? Can I start with myself and find out what he does not accept - this I do not accept with me?

Only those relationships that are worthwhile that make you freer and more powerful than without them. Freedom is a necessary condition for the emergence of love, since in freedom there is a place for the manifestation of Love.