How To Develop Self-confidence

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

One of the greatest discoveries that a person makes, one of the biggest surprises for him - to find that he is able to do what he fearfully thought of as surpassing his vultures.

Henry Ford

Each person is able to change as much as he is ready for it. And the result of any transformation usually depends on how confident we are in ourselves

Self-confidence is the ability to accept yourself completely and trust yourself. Accepting yourself fully means being aware of your growth zones and your strengths at the same time. After all, relying on your strengths, you can achieve any kind of success, acquire and improve any skills.

The problem most often lies in the fact that we talk a lot and colorfully about our shortcomings, but somehow not very much about our abilities and talents …

I literally come across this every day in coaching and at trainings - a simple question about what turned out to be "excellent" almost causes a stupor, and instead the participants begin to talk about what mistakes they have made …

As a result, the emphasis on failure makes the next step more difficult. After all, the experience of achievements and success is not formed. And failure does not at all stimulate us to find ourselves in an uncomfortable position of embarrassment over and over again.

Situations of self-doubt are often associated with fear.

"How will they perceive me? What will they think of me? What will happen if …?"

And to overcome these fears is possible only by relying on yourself, on your past experience of achievements and victories. Therefore, any job with success (and any job with self-confidence) starts with accepting yourself and your accomplishments.

It is love, respect and warmth for ourselves that help us cope with situations where we are not sure. This is partly because we allow ourselves to be "imperfect," ready to give ourselves a second chance.

Self-confidence is a personality trait. And each of us has it developed to a different degree. At the same time, everyone is able to develop self-confidence. Under one important condition - when he understands why he needs it.

A person is so constructed that he does nothing just like that. After all, no one wants to make serious efforts for the sake of vague promises of a better future. Therefore, we usually begin to act when we are faced with a serious problem, crisis or a passionate, acute desire to change something in our life.

If we talk about self-confidence, then people are usually much more accustomed and more comfortable to “live in a rut”, to do “as smart people say”. It is often easier to compromise, to give up on something really important, than to insist on your own.

Many people are guided by the philosophy of serving others, trying to escape responsibility for changing their lives, - writes Robert Anthony in Secrets of Self-Confidence.

As a practical psychologist, I can say that people come to me with a request to develop self-confidence when this quality becomes vital.

What reasons often motivate people to think about developing self-confidence?

For example, in a leadership position, it is important to defend your opinion, due to the nature of your activity you need to speak a lot in front of an audience, you cannot get to know and communicate with a girl / young man, relationships with significant people do not develop, etc.

What is self-confidence?

What can a confident person do? Here are just some of the options:

• independently makes decisions in his life;
• knows how to insist on his own in the discussion;
• boldly expresses his opinion and makes arguments in support of it;
• knows how to resolve conflicts and negotiate with others;
• knows how to defend their interests in disputes, negotiations, communication;
• knows how to cope with the fear of speaking in front of an audience;
• can meet / communicate with a stranger and feel comfortable at the same time;
• knows how to say “no” in time, while maintaining a good relationship with the one whom he refuses.

How to develop self-confidence, what needs to be done for this?

Self-confidence includes: inner state + behavioral features.

The internal state includes:

• a state of comfort when performing new actions,

• the ability to rely on your inner self

  (including your values, beliefs),

• the ability to defend one's boundaries when interacting with other people

  (know and understand your inner needs),

• the ability to regulate your inner state

  (for example, reduce the level of anxiety when speaking in public).

The features of behavior include:

• the ability to say "no";
• the ability to express your need when communicating with other people;
• the ability to argue your point of view and negotiate with other people;
• specific skills for a specific action (eg public speaking, acquaintance).

From this point of view, the work on developing confidence is usually built with two components at once - with an inner sense of oneself and with some specific skills.

Working with the state begins with realizing the advantages and benefits that the current situation gives a person. After all, if some situation seems not very comfortable or correct, but a person remains in it, it means that he needs it for something.

Practice shows that usually we are well aware of why we need changes in life, and rarely realize why old problems hold us back so.

As a result, we can talk a lot about how we are going to lose weight, quit smoking, get rich or develop self-confidence - but in reality nothing changes in life.

The answer to this paradox is simple - we are able to realize only consistent intentions. Any internal contradiction between the desire for change and unconscious opposition leads to the fact that no change occurs.

If you are reading this article now, it means that the topic of developing self-confidence is something that attracts you. Perhaps you want to feel more confident. Then answer yourself honestly:

- what have you done in the last month in order to develop self-confidence?

- What specific steps have you taken, and what changes have occurred in your life?

If the answer is no, it is important to understand what is holding you in your current state. Why do you prefer "wanting" but not acting.

If you need help, you can turn to a professional coach or psychologist who will help you identify internal barriers and so-called “secondary benefits” that prevent you from moving towards your goal. You can also learn the basic skills of working with metaphorical associative cards and in this way help yourself to move in the chosen direction.

As a first step in developing self-confidence, here's a simple algorithm.

Follow 4 steps in sequence, be honest with yourself

1. Write answers to 2 questions:

   What is self-confidence for you?

How will you notice that you have become a more confident person?

Give at least 5-7 answer options.

2. Find 10 reasons why it is important for you to be confident.

   What good changes in your life will this lead to?

3. Find 10 reasons why you are comfortable staying in your current state and being insecure. What "benefits" do you get without changing anything?
4. Make a plan to build self-confidence for the next 30 days - what action you will perform every day, and how it will bring you closer to the result.

The most difficult questions are usually points 3 and 4.

So, point 3 - what are the benefits of maintaining self-doubt?

I will give you one example from practical work with a client.

In one of the sessions with a client, we discussed the topic of confidence in detail. And they determined that confidence is when the client makes decisions himself, without the advice of other people.

The obvious question is - what prevents a smart adult and strong person from making decisions on their own in their life? Starting from what to wear for a business meeting, and ending with questions about where to go on your next vacation.

As a result of working with metaphorical associative cards, 2 things became clear:

• when he receives advice and / or a decision from his loved ones, he feels their concern for himself, feels that he is important to them;
• in difficult matters, when a decision is made instead of him, he is not responsible for the consequences of this decision.

Obviously, as long as shifting decisions to other people tells the client that he is loved, that he is cared for, and as long as he can avoid the unpleasant consequences of responsibility, developing confidence in this aspect is useless.

The benefits of the current state are much stronger than the benefits of change

But once these two things are worked out, it becomes a matter of technique to acquire the skill of making decisions and giving responsibility to others.

As a result, we built a work on the realization of how loved ones can take care of him in addition to making decisions and advice “for every day”, how he can feel their love and support in other ways.

And on the second point, we figured out which decisions in the past led to undesirable consequences, how you can prevent such consequences in the future and how you can share responsibility.

The result of the meetings was the fact that the client really began to rely more on himself and make decisions on his own.

Of course, the inherent “benefits of uncertainty” are different for each person. And when we begin to realize them, we can already make a decision how we should be: leave everything as it is, or change something in our life.

An action plan for developing self-confidence usually includes both working with the inner state, identifying personal characteristics, developing self-reliance and self-acceptance, and developing the skills necessary in specific situations.

Moreover, the development of skills is an easier part of the inner work on oneself.

Self-acceptance is much more difficult, and it is important to understand that this is not a one-day process.

Unfortunately, we are not accustomed to treat ourselves with love, respect and warmth. Very often I meet with the fact that people are immediately ready to name their shortcomings, their mistakes and failures. But the question about their talents and abilities causes confusion, pauses, and sometimes shock.

We rarely think about what is our uniqueness in the world, what is our value and purpose. And the work of a psychologist in consultation, a coach in a session or a trainer is precisely to help a person see his strengths and learn to rely on them.

When we gain this support, we can move on and develop new qualities and skills. Including - to develop self-confidence

Robert Anthony writes about the art of being at peace with oneself:

“Understanding your true value as a person is another crucial factor in gaining self-confidence … Positive self-esteem is not only an intellectual acceptance of your talents or accomplishments. This is a personal agreement with yourself.

Self-confidence is closely related to self-esteem, the ability to rely on yourself and take responsibility for your life.

Can you learn to do this? Definitely - YES!

A person who wants to move a mountain

begins by carrying small stones, - says an old Chinese prover

1. Start by recognizing who you are, what qualities and abilities you have right now. How do these qualities help you? What are your current achievements and successes?
2. Formulate what you would like to be, and how it will help you to improve your life. How can you be helped by what you already have?
3. Look for opportunities to develop desirable qualities and skills.
4. Take action!

Human intention and action can transform the world!

And for sure - you can transform yourself …