How And What Parents Program Us For

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The formation of self-awareness: self-esteem, beliefs, scenarios, behavioral patterns - occurs in early childhood.

The child takes something from his parents - unconsciously copying their behavior, reactions, stereotypes.

And something works out on the basis of the parental attitude towards him.

In this article, I will outline a number of common parenting suggestions.

The main "components" of parental programming are parental REGULATIONS.

The child, reacting to these REGULATIONS, develops certain DECISIONS on the basis of them.

By themselves, parental prescriptions arise from the parents' OWN SICK PROBLEMS: their personal misfortunes, their anxiety, anger, confusion, secret desires.

These messages may look irrational in the eyes of the child, but the fact of the matter is that for the transmitting parent they are absolutely rational (because this is typical for the parent's picture of the world).

Basic parenting prescriptions:

- do not;

- Do not be;

- do not get close;

- don't be significant;

- don't be a child;

- do not grow up;

- do not succeed;

- don't be yourself;

- don't be normal;

- don't be healthy;

- don't belong.

Let's consider them in more detail.

The “DO NOT DO” prescription is usually given to their child by fearful parents who forbid him to do the most common things for childhood: climbing, jumping, running, etc. Worried about any act that their child does, they infect him with disbelief in their own strengths, as a result of which, growing up, the child does not know what to do and is looking for someone who will tell him the right decision.

As an adult, a person with a “don’t do” prescription will have serious difficulty making decisions.

The command "DO NOT BE" - can be given in different ways. Very softly (“if it weren't for you, I would have left your father long ago, with whom it is impossible to live”). And very tough ("it would be better if you weren't born at all, then I wouldn't have to pull the strap"). It can be given in the form of a birth myth (“I gave you so hard and that’s why I’m sick now”).

Or non-verbally - this is when you hold a small child in your arms, but do not shake or caress him, but frown and shout: "take him away from me." Or just get angry, scold, shout and even beat your child.

And in many more ways, but the essence is the same: “if you were not there, we would have an easier life” (ie “if you were not there, we will live better”).

The DON'T CLOSE command arises from a lack of physical contact and positive stroking, when parents abruptly stop the child's attempts to get closer to them, thereby discouraging him from any closeness at all. As a result, a person grows up who is incapable of genuine intimacy and closeness.

It happens, however, that the precept "do not get close" the child gives himself - this is when he loses (due to death or divorce) one of the parents with whom he was very close, and decides that there is no sense, because "they will die or leave anyway."

The DON'T MEANING precept is generally a favorite kind or type of parental programming. It is given whenever the parents pull back the child, telling him something like “children should not be seen or heard,” or when they simply repeatedly strongly advise him “not to show off” and “not stick out”, reinforcing these views with stories about the benefits of modesty, invisibility and invisibility (in fact - invisibility).

The precept "DO NOT BE A CHILD" is given by parents who are either trying to make their son or daughter a "little man" or "little woman", or simply entrust the younger children with the care of the older ones.

As a result, the child becomes abruptly an Adult or, in the second case, immediately a Parent, deprived of his own childhood. So really and not having lived a child's life: with manifestations of mischief, prank, play, carelessness, gaiety, joy and other sincere children's feelings.

The precept "NOT ADULTS" is the most widespread - especially in families where the family harmony rests on children, because they are the only thing that still keeps the spouses together. The child's attainment of adulthood will lead to the disintegration of the family, and unconsciously realizing this, either the father or the mother give the child a prescription “not to grow up”.

Or it can be given by parents, frightened, for example, by the awakening sexuality of their child, forbidding fashionable clothes, going to discos and even simply stopping physical stroking, unequivocally hinting: "Don't grow up, otherwise I won't love you."

The command “DO NOT MAKE SUCCESS” is given by parents whenever, in response to their child’s victory, they are offended for no reason, no reason, and break the contact, as if saying: “Do not be the Winner, but not that _” (insert yourself).

Which ultimately translates into "don't succeed."

For example, in those families where mom or dad have the attitude “we live for the sake of the children”, the child's success is subconsciously suppressed, because if the child more and more achieves everything on his own, then the parents become … unnecessary.

The command “DON'T BE YOURSELF” is most often given to a child of the “wrong” gender (for example, a boy was expected, but a girl was born). Such a child is brought up with a fuzzy gender identity and a decision “not to be yourself”.

In addition, the prescription “don't be yourself” is often given by parents, who rigidly suppress any deviation of their child from the style, image, behavior and even life route planned by dad and mom.

The “DON'T BE USUAL” and “DON'T BE HEALTHY” prescriptions are very similar in essence to the “extradition” conditions. For in a similar way, parents program their child every time they do not pay attention to their child while it is healthy, but begin to fervently care for it when it is sick (“do not be healthy”).

Or when they indifferently pass by the normal and natural actions of their son or daughter, but are immediately "puzzled" and "concerned" (ie, show much-needed care for the child), whenever he displays any "crazy" behavior.

Finally, the “DO NOT BELONG” prescription is usually given to the child by parents who behave as if they were supposed to be in a different country or from an entirely different nation or social group. In this case, the child loses a sense of belonging - to a country, nationality or this very social group. And at best, he becomes a kind of tumbleweed, which does not belong to anything or anyone (including himself …).

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We are mostly unaware of our subconscious programs. But in order to reveal this for myself a little, I propose to do a mini exercise.

Pause for a while, reflect on your childhood, and try to analyze direct parenting prescriptions:

1. Remember your childhood, your relationship with your parents, the most memorable episodes from these relationships (both pleasant and unpleasant) and try to understand which of the above instructions were passed on to you by your parents, willingly or unwillingly.

Don't? Do not be? Don't get close? Don't be a child? Don't grow up? Don't be successful? Don't be yourself? Don't be normal or healthy? Don't belong?

2. Try to check your vague guesses by imagining that these prescriptions did exist, and you lived and live by them. If so, what are these prescriptions for your life? What prescriptions do you live by?

If you want, use this formalized scheme for evaluating probable prescriptions:

Put in numbers 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

(where 1-3 "Unlikely", 4-5-6 "Perhaps, but not sure", 7-8 "Most likely", 9-10 - "This is about me").

How close is the phrase to you:

I live as if I received a prescription …

… not to do

… not to be

… don't get close

… not to be significant

… not to be a child

(do not have it in yourself and do not show it in behavior)

… don't grow up

… not being successful

… not to be yourself

… not be healthy

… not be normal

… do not belong.

After realizing, remember your childhood, think about why you were given such directives, and what kind of decisions you chose. And then allow yourself to be who you want to be by speaking and feeling what you have been forbidden from the beginning of childhood.

I can say that in simple cases, this alone is already enough for your life to start changing for the better.