2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The reason for this imbalance is the too much emphasis on the difference between men and women and the social prescriptions that are imposed on both.
In a physiological sense, men are tuned in to the result, women are more process oriented. These differences are reinforced by upbringing: boys are taught to hide their feelings, be strong and achieve goals, girls are allowed sensitivity and weakness. As a result, men are less focused on their I, focused on external achievements, while women play on their weakness, infantilize themselves and seek support in a strong male figure. Such features of upbringing do everything so that we come into adult relationships not as partners, but as performers of sex-role functions. Each of us has a set of beliefs about what a partner should be, and this picture prevents us from meeting another person: the real one, and not the version that is in our illusions. Following an imaginary picture deprives the couple of full interaction.
Looking at a partner, we see not him, but the ideal version, our own projection and interact with it. And we are even ready to sincerely help a person to change. Only this “sincere” help has a completely different meaning: I will help you and inspire you so that you become what I am comfortable with. I will appreciate your outlook on life if you appreciate mine. I will inspire you, and you will be realized in society.
Feel the difference: not changing to make your own life better, but adjusting for the sake of receiving dividends and making it our way. This is manipulation, not support. And there is no love here, since the main principle of love is violated - the principle of freedom.
The desire to reshape a partner in our own image and likeness means a refusal to face the truth that in basic values we are not much different from each other. Both men and women need love, acceptance in a meaningful environment, freedom of choice and the right to be themselves.
You can inspire another when people are emotionally open to each other and share common values. When I support another, not in order to get something in return, but I leave the choice to the partner. I am looking not for something that separates, but for something that binds us, I focus on approved actions and qualities. I know that the other is happy and I create joint reasons for joy. If you manage to find this, you can continue, if not, calmly let go of the person, since at the level of values we are too different.
Support must be requested. Unsolicited support, like unsolicited advice, is annoying, and it comes through with rejection of the other as he is now. This rejection is read by the partner. He has no incentive to take any action, since a reason for reproach will still be found. We disable a person today in the hope of “inspiring” success tomorrow.
The development of a partner can be constrained by explicit or latent fears that our support can absorb so much that he risks losing his I. Because of these fears, he may not be included in his development with all passion and energy, as he will feel more threatened. than the benefits. If instead of motivation, he hears about where he is underperforming, does not correspond, it deprives him of energy.
Emotional pressure instills in a partner a group of fears that inhibit him: fear that they will humiliate, devalue, betray, that will disappoint and will be blamed for weakness.
Understand, even if he does as you advise, and it works, he will still remember that this happened not because of his abilities, but "thanks" to your instigation and guidance.
It is worth considering that if your partner is not "inspired" by your support, then they probably do not see any benefit in it. Perhaps the exchange between you is unequal? You put more into the relationship than he can repay you. In the event of such a bias, he is subconsciously forced to boycott your actions or leave the relationship. Or maybe the reason is that he "is better off being first in the province than second in Rome" and what is important to you is not important to him?
If you really want to help, listen carefully to your partner's arguments and fears, and provide support if you fail. Lack of initiative is often connected not with the fact that the partner has no ideas, but with the fact that there is a fear that after the defeat there will be no way back. When there is no safe space in a relationship, it is especially scary to be wrong.
Ask your loved one, "What can I do for you to help you?"
Neither save, nor decide, do nothing for him, but cover up from the weak sides. To give the right to make a mistake, to reassure that even when everyone around them laughs, the family will remain a reliable rear.
Inspiration is a lively conversation, an open interest in business, and something that fills resources rather than depletes. In fact, men don't need much for comfort. It includes responsibility and a focus on results for the sake of significant people. To inspire is to give energy, not pull it out with your expectations. Be attentive to his plans, discuss new projects together, let him speak his thoughts and doubts in your presence.
Come to the rescue where you are asked to, and not where you would like. If you cannot really help another, at least just do not harm.
Don't rush things, don't hold on to social roles: power and responsibility, strength and weakness, initiative and passivity, childishness and adulthood in adult relationships pass from hand to hand. The family is a flexible structure that easily adapts to changes in the external environment: success in the career of one of you and, right there, financial difficulties of the other. A mature relationship is about being able to withstand the fluidity of life and living in doubt.
Such support is not in words, but in deeds. This support is not for the sake of your own benefits, but for the sake of a person who always remains in the focus of your attention. This is a willingness to trust him: neither to break in, nor to break in, not to climb with your ideas about how it should be, not to try to fix it in any way. Just to be available, remember what you are grateful for and take care of his thoughts. Being around without playing the role of someone who knows the best.
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