2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The short word “no” is of great benefit to us. For example, it eliminates the need to lend when we ourselves do not have enough money to pay, go to tea with a neighbor known to the whole entrance with evil gossip, or meet a cousin at the train station at five in the morning. But there are people who cannot refuse almost anyone. They spend their lives fulfilling other people's desires: they distribute their entire salary in debt, sit with other people's children and throw off at parties that they cannot afford. Why is it so hard to say no?
Nobody says that it is imperative to constantly refuse other people to help. There are joyful altruists who gladly provide services to friends, receive help in return, and feel happy. Problems begin when, having said "no", we feel bad, because we behaved "selfishly", "indecent", "rude", and having said "yes", we feel tied hand and foot, because we signed to something completely uncomfortable. If the inability to refuse turns into regular violence against oneself, it's time to change something.
What is so difficult about the short word "no"? Difficulties with it are often experienced by people who have experienced rejection in childhood. Parents were unhappy with the child, rarely expressed their love for him, but they often scolded, criticized, punished. Such children become very comfortable: obedient and reliable. They are afraid to object so as not to lose the last crumbs of parental approval. Having matured, a person continues to evaluate himself according to the emotions of others. Relatives, friends, colleagues are happy with me - it means that I am really great. But if they get irritated and angry, I am doing something wrong, and I urgently need to be corrected. It is clear that the fate of such a person is unenviable: he becomes the servant of not two, but many masters at once.
The so-called "secondary benefit" of inability to refuse is the feeling of one's own irreplaceability. The people around you buy you with assurances: "No one will do it better than you", "You are a real friend, everyone else refused", "They will not listen to me, but for sure you." And you rush to fulfill other people's orders, ask for someone, finish not your work and walk other people's dogs while their owners relax on vacation. If you do not mind spending your whole life in other people's affairs and worries, you can continue. But, unfortunately, reliability does not guarantee you the love of other people.
Likes and dislikes are a whimsical thing that does not obey any laws. Moreover, a person who allows "to ride his hump" gradually becomes apathetic, irritable and secretly angry at others for their "non-reciprocity." Renouncing our desires for the sake of others, we feel used, deceived - although in fact we ourselves have provided another person with the opportunity to "ride" on us.
Often, people who spend their lives fulfilling other people's desires do not know anything about theirs. Following your own aspirations is not easy. You will have to overcome the resistance of the outside world, try, make mistakes, experience failures. The principle "I live for others" is convenient, as it relieves responsibility for their failures and attempts. I run where asked - therefore I am always good, flexible, kind. Interestingly, trouble-free people rarely have close friends - more often friends who are comfortable using them from time to time. And it's not just about the cruelty of others. It's just that the person himself, who does not know how to refuse, becomes uninteresting. His personality is gradually withering away under the yoke of someone else's will. He does not have time to do what is interesting to him, to develop his own talents, he becomes apathetic and indifferent to everything.
How do you learn to say no? Get used to listening to yourself. Is it convenient for you to get up at five in the morning to give someone a ride to the airport? Can you go to a midweek party and walk there late into the night? If you find it difficult to immediately decisively refuse, learn to take time out. Say: “I don’t know exactly my plans yet, let’s clarify and call you back in an hour”. Practice saying no to a request to lend money or pay for someone you didn't intend to treat. You do not have to support anyone - unless, of course, it is your elderly parents, young child, or pregnant wife. You are not responsible for all other people.
A short and polite refusal does not mean that you are a bad, cowardly, or greedy person. It simply marks your personal boundaries. When we constantly say "yes" without much desire, our boundaries seem to blur, disappear. A person ceases to understand who he is, what he is, what he wants and what he strives for. And this, you see, is very sad. But when you learn to say no, it will be much more pleasant to say yes.
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