2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I'm sitting in a cafe. At the next table there is a family - a dad of 35 years old, his son of 4-5 years old and a grandmother, apparently the mom of this dad. We took tea with buns, the adults are talking about something. The boy wants to have a drink of tea, but he is very hot, he tries to sip several times, he does not succeed. Throwing this venture, he turns to adults: "I'm hot." Those do not hear or pay no attention. The boy again, louder: "I'm hot." The grandmother turns to him and says irritably: "Nothing is hot for you, don't invent anything!" Dad touches the cup, tries to do something, but the grandmother distracts him with some question and he again enters into a conversation with her, leaving his son alone with his problem. The boy once again tries to draw attention to himself. Grandma is already evil: “Enough! Drink it! Hot to him! Nothing is hot, drink, otherwise you have to go. " And turns to dad. The boy, after a little hesitation, somehow, occasionally blowing on the tea, drinks a bit of it with a bun. Finally, they get up and walk towards the exit. On the way, the grandmother reprimands her grandson: "If you behave like this, next time we won't take you anywhere with us."
I don’t know about you, but I wanted to hit this grandmother.
Well, that's the lyrics. Turning to the kid, what has he learned in this situation?
- That his problems are not important, and he himself is not important either.
- That you can't talk about your problems out loud.
- That it is impossible to ask for help - or they will scold, or ignore, in any case it will only get worse.
- That you can't trust your own feelings and sensations. Others know better how you can feel and sense in a given situation.
- That loved ones can turn away from you only because you said that you feel bad (in this case, hot).
- That dad will not intercede and protect.
- That dad is weaker than grandmother. Because he did not intercede and did not defend. Then this projection will fall on men and women in general and on themselves in the first place.
The list goes on, but I think that's enough to be horrified. The whole situation lasted about 10 minutes. I think that in different variations all this is repeated at home, in communication between members of this family.
A few dozen repetitions and lessons learned for a lifetime.
We all grew up hearing something like this all the time. We are the products of such "education". We do not hear ourselves, do not trust ourselves, focus on others and push our needs into a far corner.
How is it different? That's how.
When I feel bad in some situation, in some contact, it means only one thing - “I feel bad”. These are my feelings and I am guided by them, I trust them. And I am obliged to protect myself by any means. It is an act of loving yourself.
I do not have to think about WHY someone is doing me badly, to enter into his position, to understand him. I don’t have to reflect on whether he had a difficult childhood, whether he received any injuries, that this is what he does now with people. Let him think about himself, this is not my responsibility, for sure.
The ability to protect yourself, to define your boundaries is very conducive to the growth of self-esteem. But on self-respect, you can already cultivate something. For example, the ability to look at the situation through the eyes of another person, understand his motives, not get angry in response, accept it as it is and forgive. Or not forgive.
And only after passing this path, and many times, at the end of it you can find a magic fruit - an absolute healthy indifference. Call me whatever you like, I just smile and say - well, maybe. Send me far, I'll just shrug my shoulders and think - it happens!
And after this will come the acceptance of people as they are. And a deep understanding that we are all in our souls little boys and girls, whom adults once taught to betray themselves. And it still hurts us all. And therefore it is not necessary to multiply this pain by responding with evil for evil.
We were taught from childhood not to trust our feelings, we were told - you cannot feel that way, it is wrong. And we grew up not being able sometimes even to recognize them, these feelings. And to show someone your "bad" - God forbid! You will always hear in response - it is your own fault!
Therefore, first you need to restore this particular part, learn to trust your feelings, present them to the world and talk about them. No, not for everyone, selectively. Those who are able to understand and not laugh in response.
Then hone the ability to set boundaries and defend them. If need be, then "with arms in hand", aggressively. At first it will be aggressive.
Then everything else.
It will not work in another sequence.
That is why, adherents of different eastern traditions, calling for calmness and universal love, through their strained smiles and desire to show everyone their "enlightenment", there is so much pain in their eyes. They missed the first two stages, deciding to take the bull by the horns and jumped straight to the third. But it will not work in a different sequence.
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