Hole Identity Or Why We Are So Vulnerable

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“I have an absolutely normal family, no obvious childhood traumas. My parents lived together all their lives, took care of me. No divorces, deaths or other crises. But I still cannot understand why I grew up so vulnerable …"

Something like this sounded the text from the mouth of one of my clients, who came to an appointment for the first time.

And really, what really makes us vulnerable? Why we, for a long time, adults, can experience a variety of states - from anxiety and heaviness in the chest, ending with a panic attack with claustrophobia and suffocation. And most importantly - all this, it would seem, out of the blue!

Well, someone said something nasty there. Well, you never know who he is. Or met with someone's rejection, got into a conflict situation. Why can all this so strongly affect our well-being, leaving us for a long time in resentment, vulnerability, pain and self-pity? …

Injuries We Don't See

My point is that vulnerability, of course, comes from psychological trauma.

Someday something must happen, something must be torn or completely torn, so that then it heals for a long time and hurts, every now and then, responding with different experiences.

Without injury, the place will not hurt - both in the body and in the soul.

Another thing is that psychological traumas (as well as physical ones) are very noticeable and are completely invisible. And it seems that if we did not notice the injury, then it, as it were, did not exist. And it is not clear where the vulnerability came from then.

Experiencing instability, anxiety, vulnerability, resentment or anger, rage or disgust, anguish, pain indicate that psychological trauma is taking place. But what and when it happened - just may be completely incomprehensible. This fact is usually deeply hidden in the psyche (and not without reason!) And should be unpacked only in the careful hands of a psychotherapist.

However, back to my client. She really didn’t understand what exactly she was injured. And only the feelings that came to the surface in the process of psychotherapy gave her the opportunity to unwind this tangle and recall various situations of a seemingly normal, but not very childhood.

Leaky identity

In the process of growing up, at each of its stages, the child forms his identity. In fact, how strong our identity is will determine our resistance to stimuli. If the identity is blurred, that is, I do not really understand who I am, what I am, what I want, what and why I do in various life situations, then it will be very easy for me to be confused. Because with a vague or diffuse identity, I have nothing to compare the information that came from outside.

They told me that I was a pig - but I really don't know to the end whether this is true about me or not! Maybe a pig. And then, as if, I begin to believe in what is said, and take offense at it. And be sick of the soul.

So, identity is brought up from a young age. And it is formed in the reflection of us in other people. No other way. And who of the people spends the most time with us in childhood and thus "reflects" us? Of course mom, dad, grandmothers, grandfathers. More brothers and sisters.

And here it is interesting how exactly we are "reflected" by mom, dad and others. In what words, in what form.

A lot will depend on this in our life - how we were reflected in the eyes of these people close to us and what we appropriated as a result.

And this is the main mistake that most parents and grandparents make and unknowingly commit. They talk about their children and grandchildren in value judgments. Not descriptive, as it should be to form a healthy identity in a child, but evaluative.

That is, instead of telling the child that "you are now jumping and running, excited and loud," they say "that you are rushing around the apartment at breakneck speed, like a madman!"Do you catch how the child's identity will be formed in the first and second cases?..

In the first case, the child will remember the following about himself: I am active, running, excited and loud. They accept me like that. In the second case - something like this: "I am crazy, when I run around the apartment, I can break my head, go crazy and they will reject me and disapprove in every possible way."

So much for the vulnerability.

And imagine that such words ("stupid as a Siberian felt boot!" throughout his life he hears millions of times from different people who are significant to him, whom he unconditionally trusts!

There you have it.

Of course, parents behave this way, too, not because of a good life, but because they were treated in a similar way. And then, from generation to generation, this wounded and blurred identity is passed on, all holes like a sieve, into which everything that does not fall flies into. All the rubbish that flies by.

After all, if a child knew for sure that he is noisy and running, which means that he is active, aggressive, good enough and we accept, then already in adulthood, the phrases of outsiders "why are you making noise here" or "calm down!" they would not have had such an impact on him. He knows that everything is fine with him. This is more likely with the one who says something is wrong!

Sweet poison of praise

By the way, the value judgments we are stuffed with are harmful, even if they are sweet and positive. Let's say they praised a child that he is so beautiful, skillful, he always succeeds, a good student, an excellent student, first in the class in skiing, chemistry and biology, always active, smart and witty … And here is the trap! After all, it is important for identity to be simply reflected. Non-judgmental. Why do psychologists, when conducting consultations, try to repeat the client's words very close to the author's text, not to evaluate, but to reflect what they notice (and have been learning this for many years) ?! It is because to help shape a healthy customer identity. What his parents didn't do when they tried to appreciate. After all, any assessment - good or bad - always presupposes some kind of norm. That is, some level, a condition that must be met.

Now, if this same boy suddenly becomes not the first in the chemistry class, but the second … he will no longer be so praised! They will clearly say - "but Vitka is now the first!" And if the boy does not become anything at all in chemistry, he completely stops doing it, forgets all the formulas and starts getting deuces?.. How will he then be reflected in the eyes of his family?..

So we get a seemingly boasted child at the exit, and such an adult comes to psychotherapy - anxious, controlling, thin and absolutely unhappy …

Therefore, in psychotherapy, we gradually and carefully try to patch up these holes in identity. Thus, internal stability is acquired, the threshold of vulnerability is reduced, a healthy feeling of lightness and happiness comes!