2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“Almost all my childhood, my mother told me how hard it was with me,” Vera said, sighing, sitting in an armchair in my office, and now and then, rubbing her forehead and shaking her leg. - The childbirth was difficult. And what is there, the predictions of how healthy I will grow up were not comforting.
Before me sat a beautiful and quite prosperous 26-year-old girl. She came one rainy morning to talk about whether to change her job, or maybe just dye her hair, and everything will pass. Vera was tired and depressed, and did not understand how and why.
She lived a fairly successful life, was married and spoke warmly about her relationship with her husband. In addition, she has achieved prestige in the profession - interior design. She liked her life, but did not like the sometimes unreasonably rolling and gnawing feeling - depression, melancholy, heaviness …
Faith broke off and took another deep breath. Apparently, the memories caused strong feelings. I decided to support her:
- Perhaps it is not very easy for you to tell all this?..
- Yes, - the girl agreed, - it's difficult.
She shifted her position, crossing her legs, and wrapped herself in a scarf.
“But I’ll tell you, I still want to figure it out.” She paused and continued. - I was given different diagnoses throughout my childhood. A lot, I don't even remember all the names. Doctors did not choose expressions when they told their mother: “your daughter may not be able to walk”, “oh, what a sick child you have!”. I don’t remember who said it or how. I only know this from her words. Now I don't understand why she needed to retell all this to me …
- Do you speak with irritation? - I specified.
- Yes, probably. It annoys me. Talk to a small child like that!
Vera was prone to introspection. In the process of getting to know her, I noticed that she tries to understand many things on her own, reading various psychological literature. Especially about raising children. She was interested in this topic. The girl was perplexed to tell me how many differences she found in what was written in the books from what she really experienced in her family when she was a child. And this could not but upset.
“You see,” she cried when we got close enough to switch to “you”, “I would generally forbid SUCH people to have children, and SUCH doctors to treat them! It's awful, awful, all the time to listen to how they are tormented with you! That you are one big problem!
- So you are one big problem? I asked.
- Yes I. I'm a problem …
Vera's eyes were moist. She reminded me of a butterfly doll, so delicate, wrapped in a scarf, like a cocoon, and hiding there …
- Are you offended? I asked timidly.
- Not that word! - Vera cried out, and tears ran down her cheeks. - And also, it seems to me, I am to blame for everything. In everything! That I was born, that I exist, that I gave so much trouble … And now I must, must, must …
- What exactly do you have to?..
Sobbing, Vera breathed out:
- Own life…
I walked along the street, it was already dark, a cool autumn wind was blowing. Every now and then my cloak opened wide, I wrapped myself in a scarf. It got colder. I thought about how much guilt can be passed on to a child if he is more troublesome than his parents originally expected. How much to place him with anger, packed in complaints and reproaches. And can the child bear it? The severity of guilt from a crime that he did not commit. But which he appropriated well. Will he be able to live with her, and if so, how?
- I put my whole life on you, and you …! - how many people quoted this phrase to me, uttered by him sometime in childhood by one of the adults. But in fact it means: - I did not think that I would spend SO MUCH of my own life on you. For this, now, I will take yours from you.
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