2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Feelings…
They are so different: strong or weak; creative and destructive, gentle and cruel. Some of us delve into our feelings, endlessly analyzing and holding a stranglehold on those whose time has expired. Others, on the contrary, say goodbye to them in order to let new emotional experience into their lives. There are those who are afraid of their feelings, prefer to turn off their own emotionality and run away from it.
Sometimes people are afraid to come into contact with unpleasant feelings so as not to face traumatic experiences and not to get the experience from the depth of emotional experience.
We repress our feelings because our parents taught us this. We were told that self-control and self-control are good feelings, and the ability to “not take to heart” is a panacea for stress.
Denying difficult emotions is a defense mechanism that wards off loneliness and pain
He is so into a habit that often we are not even aware of our negative feelings towards loved ones. We isolate some of them from the outside world and at some point it seems to us that we have ceased to feel.
But the cause of the pain does not go away
As a rule, the habit of hiding their feelings indicates that in early childhood the child experienced something so difficult that, for protective purposes, he chose to displace the difficult experience from reality and pretend to be insensitive.
So the child turns off part of his emotionality in order to stay in contact with loved ones.
"I don't pay attention," we say, "I can control myself."
But that kind of control is exhausting.
From time to time, chest pain appears from somewhere, a feeling of heaviness in the region of the heart, cramps in the throat, which remind of a load of unspoken feelings.
Healthy self-control requires contact with your sensitivity and the inner permission to present it to others
To say "I am in pain" where it hurts or I am scared, where there is a lot of anxiety and fear.
Feelings are divided into primary and secondary.
Constellators also single out a group of adopted feelings (those that do not belong to the person himself, but to someone from the generic system).
Feelings that give energy and stimulus to action are primary feelings. They have a lot of life and they are the engine of development. In communication, they appear at the moment of "stimulus-response" and are the most honest and the kind that say a lot about us.
Emotions that drain energy and make us weak are secondary. At first glance, it may seem that a person behaves incommensurably with the situation that happens to him, his manifestations are so unnatural. A person can be openly offended, and he will make a beautiful face with a bad game, show powerlessness and apathy.
Secondary senses have a protective function. Primary feelings indicate needs
How does this happen?
For example, many have come across such a feeling as envy. We ourselves envied someone or envied us, but we understand very well what we are talking about.
It is a very strong feeling and contains a lot of energy. If you listen carefully to it, you can hear how our internal deficits sound, how indignation rises at injustice and the normal desire of a person to have what he wants.
If a person displaces his envy, proves to himself and to those around him that “there would be something to envy,” then this emotion creates a lot of tension inside. Maintaining this tension takes a lot of personal resources, which weakens a person.
However, admitting envy is even worse, because envy is condemned in society. “Envy is bad, disgusting, wrong. If you are jealous, then you are a weak loser. The person concludes that it is bad to desire what others have. And very soon he may discover how he personally criticizes envious people, envy will appear everywhere. This is how the projection mechanism works.
Here envy is a primary feeling that does not manifest itself on a social level, but lives deep inside. Indicative benevolence or, conversely, incomprehensible aggression, condemnation is brought to the window. These secondary feelings are the result of restrained envy, prolonged suppression of desires and emotions. We begin to expect something from others, blame them for inadequate manifestations, demand to change at a time when the source of tension is inside, and not outside.
As soon as justice is restored and we acknowledge our feelings, the tension goes away.
Jealousy can provide a lot of energy for creative actions and solving situations that do not suit you. The one who recognizes feelings no longer waits for others to begin to change their behavior, because he himself makes changes in his life.
All our senses have a source
Suppressed feelings addressed to some can ricochet into others. Anger at the parents will pour out on the spouse, hidden grievances against the spouse will try to find a way out in relationships with children.
Negative cycles of interactions (conflicts, quarrels) are triggered precisely by secondary emotions, creating a dead end in relationships
If you suppress feelings for a long time, they risk breaking out in the most primitive form, destroying everything around. Hidden grievances develop over time into coldness and indifference. Suppressed aggression - into hostility and a view of a person's actions only in a negative way.
Our senses are a signaling system. Red light that lights up at the moment of increased danger. If you ignore the incoming signals for too long, trouble is inevitable. Fear, sadness, aggression indicate that there is something in our environment that goes beyond the usual and requires a change in behavior. By and large, our senses are a tool that better than the head indicates what is really happening to us. And deliberately breaking this tool, as for me, is an unforgivable oversight.
If you really want to feel the button to turn off your senses, it's not a problem. Any chemical means (alcohol, drugs) will help this.
But is it necessary?
Maybe you should think about how to live your feelings?
Not to manage, not to control, but to be aware of them and determine:
- What are these feelings about?
- Why do they scare me?
- What if I let it just be?
There is a way out - to acknowledge your feelings and experience them
Cleanse to the bottom to make room for new sensory experiences. If a person admits his pain, a vision is opened of what to do with this pain next.
Accepting your feelings begins with identifying them, understanding their source, and getting permission to live. Someone lets go of feelings through crying, someone through a long conversation. But until a person feels respect for his feelings, does not empty the heart through full acceptance, it is impossible to resolve the inner conflict.
How to live?
In the presence of a loved one, next to whom it is possible to endure one's own vulnerability and meet with surging experiences. If there is no such person, go to a specialist.
It should be warned that “good” will not happen right away. As with any disease, there will be a period of exacerbation and terrible pain from accepting your limitations. You must give yourself permission to not live up to other people's expectations, acknowledge your limited personal resource, and do exactly what is possible in a given situation.
At that moment, when the inner tension leaves, and the feelings cease to thunder as an indistinct cacophony inside, we seem to wake up. It just becomes very interesting to live and feel. We learn to notice that there is surprise here, but here there is a feeling of growing irritation. But here jealousy knocks on the temples and gives off a dull pain in the chest. We are not "greedy" for feelings, we do not block the flow of their natural energy.
Our feelings are a lot about other people, but even more about us. When we allow ourselves to feel, we stay in touch with people and ourselves. It becomes interesting to listen to yourself, to guess the subtle shades of emotionality, to tune in to the appropriate sound. Honestly. Not turning off feelings, not controlling them, not hiding from reality, but taking responsibility for their states.
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