2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It turns out that there are 2 understandings among the people:
1. Responsibility is a commitment that I have taken upon myself. A responsible person is one who fulfills his obligations. Doesn't execute - irresponsible.
2. Responsibility is the punishment that I will incur if I break any rules. A responsible person does everything according to the rules. Breaking the rules is irresponsible.
The first option is especially popular among mothers with children of any age. And the second, of course, among dads, lawyers, police officers and former prisoners.
The first have a favorite word - must (must)
The second have a favorite word - not
In my opinion, both of these options are bad.
The first is bad because a person becomes a slave to his obligations. If at some point you want to take off your obligations, you feel guilty and irresponsible. As if he had no right to manage his obligations.
• Here, a friend asks you to lend a certain amount of money. You agree and immediately go to the nearest ATM. Insert the card - and you realize that you promised in vain. You don't have that amount. What will a healthy person do? He will call a friend and say, they say, I'm sorry, dear, there is no money. And what will the obligatory person do? Will break into a cake, but find the money. There he will re-borrow in order to re-sell here. Because he promised. And most importantly, because otherwise he will feel guilty.
The second part of the Marlezon ballet is a poorly understood irritation with a friend, because of which one now has to strain. And the feeling that now he "should" be the same obligatory in relation to you. And offense if a friend in such situations behaves like a healthy person. That is, he does not break into a cake for your sake, but he lives as convenient for him. “I borrowed you, even though I didn't have it at that moment, and you!.. How can you! What a friend you are to me!"
The attitude "responsibility = commitment" leads to feelings of guilt and latent irritation (resentment)
The second option is bad because the person becomes a hostage to the rules. After all, each rule has its own context. And the rule makes sense - only in its context.
• Examples. I have been to several "Russian" weddings. A boring and painful sight. Exhausted groom and bride. People perform according to the list rituals in which no one believes, in which there has been no sense for a long time. The only person pretending to be cheerful is the toastmaster.
- What for?
- And so it should be. And so everyone does. And so that the marriage is lasting.
– ???
• Or, for example, on Sundays and holy holidays, you cannot wash. Why??? Why should I devote this day to God - the unwashed ones ?! Very simple. If you imagine what it was like to wash 200 years ago: to bring water, chop wood, flood a bathhouse, heat water - half a day's work. While you wash, there will be no time for spirituality. So that rule made sense 200 years ago.
What does a healthy person do? He lives as convenient for him, comes up with his own rules that are suitable for him now. And the correct one feels the fear of punishment. Does it right. And he lives - bored.
The attitude "responsibility = punishment" leads to fear of punishment and boredom
I like this setup better:
Responsibility is the consequence of our actions
Everything I do has consequences. Even if I do nothing, lie on the couch and spit on the ceiling, the consequences will be: bedsores, spit on the ceiling and stagnation in the rest of my life.
The world is simple and honest. What I did, what I got. I made a hogwash - I got a hogwash.
And the most interesting thing is that in such a variant, responsibility cannot be removed from oneself. You can't blame it on someone else. And there is no way to get rid of it. She just is. Because there are always consequences. This punishment, guilt and responsibility can be blamed on someone else. And responsibility is not. You can recognize it or not, it is still there. Because blaming someone else also has consequences. And recognition / non-recognition - too.
And then a responsible person is one who understands how his actions will backfire. And the irresponsible is the one who does not understand. The person in charge says: I did this, I got this. And the irresponsible uses the passive voice and impersonal sentences: me (what did you do?), It happened, it didn’t work out, it didn’t work, etc. As the saying goes, "moose" is to blame
Examples of responsible and irresponsible behavior
1. I was deceived … I was greedy and inattentive, so I let myself be deceived.
2. I was prevented … I felt a protest, so I delayed until the last moment and was late, because in a hurry I forgot some circumstances …
3. I didn't manage to defend myself … I was ashamed, afraid to arrange a showdown and defend myself.
4. It didn't work out … I didn't really want to do this, so I decided to sabotage and not make the necessary efforts.
Well, the most important question. Why then be responsible? After all, the benefits of irresponsible behavior are obvious: it helps to avoid punishment and guilt. It is one thing to say to the chief “it didn’t work out” and quite another - “I didn’t really want to carry out your order …”
So, in my understanding,
Responsibility helps you steer your life. It helps to understand what I am in control and what is not
Compare:
“I was deceived” - there’s nothing to be done, such, brother, things. Such people around … eh! All that remains is to sigh and wait to be deceived again. “I was greedy and inattentive” is quite another. It is clear what to do here. Moderate your greed and be more attentive. Do not be shy and count. Take your time and give yourself time to think, look for other options. Then they will not deceive. Rather, then I will not let myself be fooled.
“I can't defend myself in front of my mom (dad, mother-in-law, mother-in-law, boss, etc.)”. Again, nothing can be done about it. They are big, I am small. No matter what I say (a) they do not understand in any way. "I am afraid of conflicts and therefore do not defend myself." Again, it is clear what to do. Deal with your fears. Deal with your guilt. Feel your desires. Become independent (oops). Autonomous (oh). Learn to conflict. Learn to defend yourself. To feel my boundaries, what suits me and what doesn't. Learn to set and defend your boundaries. Share your opinion. Aloud. With my mother. Learn to express your anger in appropriate ways.
Total. If I behave responsibly, I understand how I can improve my life. If it is irresponsible, nothing can be done. But acting responsibly means enduring guilt if something goes wrong. And irresponsible - there is an appearance of getting rid of guilt, as if someone else is to blame for my troubles.
Irresponsible behavior:
1. Nothing can be changed
2. The appearance of getting rid of the feeling of guilt. Someone else is to blame.
Responsible behavior
1. There is a chance to change your life, to steer it
2. What happens to me is my merit
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