2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I often hear in the stories of people that they allegedly have worked out problems with their parents. On one's own.
"All the troubles that happened to me in childhood, I remember all of them, I realize, I remember what happened, and for a long time I have no grudge against anyone."
But if you do not hold grudges, this does not mean that they do not hold you))
I will try to explain it in an accessible way.
I have a mom. The most beautiful in the world! The most loving, the most caring, the kindest, the most attentive. I love her so much that I’m ready to do anything for her! And she is! Both beautiful and smart! She also really takes into account my opinion, all the time she asks me what to do (I am 10 years old, and she already appreciates my opinion so much!)
But in fact
I have a mother. When I was 3 months old, she left me with my grandmother, then took me back to her, then again to my grandmother … Until she was 7 years old, she left dad 10 times. She could not provide me with a safe comfortable environment for growing up. At the age of 7, I ended up in a tuberculosis dispensary. Because no one thought about what I would eat tomorrow … I didn’t sleep at night, because my mom and dad were violently sorting out the relationship until the morning. And the decision about the final departure from dad was made by me. So she also expressed a positive opinion about her new man.
When I was 22, I, of course, realized the full weight of our past and, of course, I did not hold a grudge against her. I “forgave” her for everything and loved her no less … But what forgiven her ?! I never even thought that there was something to be offended and forgive for something! She's MOM! She's a saint! She did everything CORRECT a priori!
Well, this is logical - after all, I did not have another mother. Never)
Well, as a person who personally underwent therapy, I understand that all this is nonsense. How wrong I was. Yes! I still love my mom. I have one. I have it forever. But only now I understand how much she didn’t give me. Love, care, protection, security. Yes, it was not even an elementary stable object
The therapist and I dug out buried anger and aggression in me towards her, tenderness and self-love. Now it even seems to me that I never lived before. How poor my self-image was. How painful and sad all my relationships with men were before this experience.
Eh … It's hard to admit. But at some point, my therapist replaced my mom. She and only she gave me that unconditional love that my mother could not give me (due to her circumstances - I will not tire of defending her!). She and only she gave me care, protection, taught me to love myself and demand attention, understanding and care from others, and became a stable object.
Over time, an interesting thing happened. This is what psychoanalysis calls the interiorization of an object. Well, that fellow psychoanalysts will better explain it). And I will explain how it is seen in my world. I have a feeling that my whole childhood has changed. That I was always with me just a loving and caring mother only about me. The host of me is definitely who I am. And most importantly, she taught me to love myself, value myself, rely on myself in the correct sense of the word, trust myself and others, but at the same time, if necessary, check and build relationships that satisfy me.
The therapy changed my whole past life. It was as if I had reformatted my childhood and rewrote it. And she added +3 to happiness, to love, to understanding oneself, to the ability to take care of oneself, to self-support and to self-esteem. And in my real life I became happier, calmer, more relaxed, more patient and caring. It was as if I found myself within myself, and love within myself.
I got rid of some of my inherent addiction in relationships. I stopped clinging to every man or any other person who showed even an ounce of care for me. I just gained integrity. And now I know exactly what is mine in me, and what they are trying to impose on me. Now I know exactly what I want. Now I know for sure that my therapist and I have changed my destiny. And it will be much better.
So that's it. What am I talking about. As a person who has undergone long-term therapy with a warm therapist who knows how to love in the good sense of the word, it seems to me that it is impossible to realize insults and truly forgive your parents on your own. This should be done with a person who will replace them for us for a while. And then the character will change. And to change the character - to change the fate.
Are you sure you have forgiven your mom? Have you ever dared to get really angry with her?
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