Loneliness Is A Failure In Life Or A Stage Of Growing Up

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Loneliness is a failure in life or a stage of growing up

Once I noticed that in my work I face the fear of loneliness a lot. That I often hear the phrase "I'm afraid to be alone." Moreover, it is “one”. Yes, there are more women than men in psychotherapy. But, nevertheless, one third of my clients are men. And now, in almost ten years of work, I have never - not once! - I have not heard this from a man. And so I thought - what does this mean?

I think, of course, the point is not that men are not at all afraid of loneliness. It happens, of course. But usually this fear is deeply hidden and is the result of some kind of traumatic experience: abandonment, rejection, ignored by important figures in childhood. And this fear is revealed, as a rule, only after long and deep work.

Women often talk about it literally from the first minutes. A couple of questions may be enough to detect a severe fear of loneliness. “Why do you stay in a relationship that doesn't suit you?” For example. And I think this is the result of different ways of education. And different representations (or, in psychological terms, introjects) that are offered in our culture to boys and girls.

Unfortunately, in the post-Soviet space, it is still believed that the main goal in life and the achievement that a woman should strive for is to get married and have children. And if you don't have it, you are automatically a failure and something is wrong with you. Therefore, women choose to stay in a relationship in which it is bad, often both for her and for her partner. And both of the couple are deprived of the chance to find a more consonant person and build a more harmonious life with him. It turns out such a tightly tightened knot, around which, among other things, various symptoms are formed - depressive and anxiety states, psychosomatic diseases.

I think that this idea - of loneliness as a shameful failure in life - is high time to change. Moreover, psychologists have long considered the ability to endure loneliness as one of the skills that a person must master in the process of growing up and without which it is impossible to achieve psychological autonomy.

So, Janey and Berry Weinhold, offer the following model for the development of the human psyche. In the process of our growing up to achieve physical and psychological autonomy, we all naturally go through the following stages

- Codependency (a period of fusion, psychological symbiosis with a mother or other significant figure)

- Counterdependencies (periods of separation from parents and “going out into the big world” alternate with periods of returning to “refuel” with safety and acceptance)

- Independence (a period of physical and psychological separation, when we learn to rely on our own resources and be autonomous)

- Interdependencies (partnership relations)

As you can see, the stage of independence (or loneliness, in another language) - the period when a person lives autonomously, relying both physically and psychologically on his own resources - is a normal and necessary part of development. And only after passing this stage, we can learn to build healthy and safe relationships - i.e. move on to interdependence with other people.

(Tregubova Elena, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist)

Loneliness is like an inability, and from this - like the inability to share your experiences with another. Inseparability. Locked in the world of your experiences. Feeling that the other is unattainable. Not physically, but emotionally. Little experience of the empathic presence of another nearby. Or there is no such experience at all. Experiencing your own inferiority. Sharing your feelings and thoughts is dangerous. It's scary to be rejected for how you feel, for who you are.

In the world of perfectionism, striving for perfection and building the ideal version of yourself, it is scary and embarrassing to discover your imperfect human nature. Your humanity. It needs to be hidden, masked, corrected. Plastic surgery or self-development training. The shame of your authenticity, liveliness, uniqueness. I need to be perfect in order to appear to others. Since this is not possible, there is no hope of real closeness.

Society is broadcasting tough standards to us. It is impossible to match them - they are based on double bindings.

Be perfect - be sincere. Be self-sufficient - don't be lonely. If there is no couple next to you, then something is wrong with you, there is some kind of inferiority in you. If you are leaning on another and attached to someone, then you are weak and dependent, and something is wrong with you. If it's hard, painful, scary for you, don't show it to anyone. At the same time, be sincere in your joy, demonstrate your well-being and strength.

Being open and vulnerable in your imperfection is critical to building intimacy. But, if what you have seems too strange, too inappropriate, it is very scary to open up. And sincerely getting closer is impossible.

There may be many people, family, friends nearby. But, despite this, subjectively, you can experience deep loneliness. Such loneliness is a consequence of long experience of being unheard by important people. And that can be changed.

(Oksana Gorchakova, psychotherapist)