2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I really like to stage dialogues with psychodrama. It looks like this: two chairs, a person takes turns voicing real remarks, but every time I specify before the remark "and I hear …", and after - "in fact, I want to say …". It helps a lot to understand the purity of the contact between the participants. Because very often in dialogue it seems that everyone understands everything. And when you unfold it - that not everything, not everything, or even never at all sounded what they wanted to say. Some time ago I had a very revealing dialogue in my work. I'll bring him in now. The conversation is conducted by a girl and a young man on the phone.
So:
Factual Response: How are you feeling?
Real Replica: Are you willing to take care of me?
What Opponent Hears: Are you ready to take care of me?
Actual Answer: Feeling good. I am going home.
Reality Response: I'm ready to take care of you.
What Opponent Hears: I'm ready to take care of you.
Factual Response: Do you want to go to the movies?
Reality line: I want you to take me to the movies.
What Opponent Hears: Are you sure you are ready to take care of me?
Factual Answer: I don't mind going to the movies.
Reality Response: Yes, I'm definitely ready to take care of you.
What Opponent Hears: Yes, I can be used.
Factual response: I finish at six, you can pick me up from work.
Real replica: I have already chosen a cinema and a film, I already know exactly where we will go.
What the opponent hears: I have already chosen a cinema and a film, I already know exactly where we will go.
Actual Answer: Today? Right now? I'm not sure if I'm ready to go to the movies right now. I really want to meet with you, but I need to get home to realize, as far as possible today.
Reality remark: I won't go to the cinema today. But I really want to meet you, and it's very difficult for me to refuse you. Therefore, I need to gather strength to do this.
What Opponent Hears: I don't want to take care of you. (reaction: anger, indignation)
Factual response: Okay, as you decide - call.
Real replica: I realized that you would refuse me, but I cannot show that I understood this, because then I will look like a manipulator.
What the opponent hears: Well, as you decide - call.
after a while, the second conversation:
Factual answer: I thought, and I realized that today I cannot go to the cinema with you because I am very tired, but I can on any other day except tomorrow.
Reality Response: I really want to take care of you, but I can't do it today.
What the opponent hears: I don't want to take care of you, and I dictate my terms to you (again anger, indignation plus bewilderment).
Factual Response: No, on all other days of the week I will be busy, today was a unique day when I could meet you.
Reality Response: I am very angry, I will not play by your rules, the rules can only be mine.
What the opponent hears: I am very offended, I will not play by your rules, the rules can only be mine.
Actual answer: Okay (hangs up).
The real answer: I'm tired of your manipulations and demands, if you are ready to communicate differently - call me.
What your opponent hears: I don't want to take care of you, I won't play by your rules, you lost.
The beauty is unearthly, isn't it? And such rubbish - in almost any banal dialogue. Nobody says what they want to say. Generally. At the same time, he remains in the illusion that he spoke sincerely and the opponent understood everything.
Clearing messages is one of the tasks of psychotherapy. Otherwise, if the dialogue is constantly based on double (or even triple), contradicting messages, the chance that a reception error will occur (they are clearly visible in the given dialogue) is very high.
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