How Not To Harm A Person In Grief

Video: How Not To Harm A Person In Grief

Video: How Not To Harm A Person In Grief
Video: 5 Things About Grief No One Really Tells You 2024, March
How Not To Harm A Person In Grief
How Not To Harm A Person In Grief
Anonim

The trouble of another person responds differently to us. We want to run away from some events at breakneck speed, because what happened scares us very much, and it is unbearable to touch it. It also happens the other way around, when someone else's grief inexplicably beckons to itself. And I want to be at the epicenter of events. We may have different reasons for this, but this article is not about that! This article is for those who really sincerely want to support a loved one in his pain, and not worry about him. Unfortunately, these motives are often confused with one another. It often happens that trying to help, people only further traumatize the person who is already very difficult.

If you want to be close to someone close in a difficult moment and at the same time not harm, the first thing to do is deal with your own feelings and needs.

"Why do I need to be with him during this period?"

“Do I have a resource to be for another”?

"What do I expect to get for myself in return"?

The answers to these questions are very important, because if your desire to support is actually based on needs such as:

- to feel noble, - check yourself for emotional stability, - “recharge” (yes, grief charges very much with emotions that only at first glance seem “negative.” In fact, people love to suffer. And the enduring popularity of melodramas and disaster films is a confirmation of this), - add value to your life (and death passing by is very good at this task), - to come into contact with your fears and, as it were, "rehearse" your upcoming losses, etc.

then please find a way to satisfy them differently.

It is important to be aware that supporting another in grief is charity on your part. This is not a mutually beneficial exchange of resources that occurs in normal communication. It is not an investment in your relationship that will return in the form of gratitude and devotion. And, if you are not a professional psychologist who you turned to for help, this is not your responsibility. It makes sense to be near a person in acute grief only out of love and respect for him.

If you really want to be there, but still fear doing something wrong, then the examples below will help you avoid the most common mistakes:

- There is no need to say: “I know how you feel”, “This is very difficult”, “What happened is terrible”, “This is an irreparable loss!” etc. Don't tell the person about him! For everyone, the loss carries its own meanings, evokes its own feelings. And this process is dynamic. And the probability of "not getting" into the actual state of a person is very high. And what if he just suddenly, for a few minutes suddenly became somehow inexplicably light and light, and you tell him with regret how hard it is for him?..

- Do not empathize so much that you yourself have to calm down. Sometimes events from the life of another person resonate with us so much that we sincerely ourselves fall into the experience of very difficult feelings. As a result, instead of support and participation, the person whose grief actually happened, sees OUR pain and fear in our eyes.

- Do not try to adjust the behavior of the grieving person to your idea of how to do it right. You should not be advised to cry if it seems to you abnormal that a person is not crying - you do not know what he does at night in his pillow. There is no need to advise you to calm down if it seems to you that a person has been crying for too long - you do not know how much pain he is coping with now.

- Do not under any circumstances provoke conversations beginning with the words: "And if …", "It was necessary …", etc. One of the most painful aspects of dealing with loss is confronting futility. When you understand that nothing can be changed, that you will never know if it could have been otherwise, that death is irreversible. Almost always this is mixed with a feeling of guilt: “I didn’t save”, “I didn’t save it”, “I didn’t ask for forgiveness”, “I wasn’t there”, etc. Any fantasies about possible options hurt and postpone the healing of acceptance.

- Do not try to "enrich" a person with meanings, unless they are honestly lived by you. Death makes you very sensitive to falsehood. No matter what beautiful phrases you say, you will not be believed if they do not come from your soul, if you did not earn them at the cost of your own pain.

- Do not expect the person to quickly return to their former self. Expecting the old, familiar behavior, you will likely get it sooner or later, but you will never know what is going on inside him. If you value closeness with this person, accept the fact that he has become different. Do not discount what happened in his life by striving to return everything as it was.

- Do not initiate or avoid talking about the deceased and the circumstances of his life and death. Please be sensitive to the needs of those in distress. Talking about what happened can both hurt and heal. And only the person himself, being in contact with himself, can feel what exactly he needs right now. Just support him in conversation or silence.

- Do not burden the person with your worries about him. “You don’t answer calls, I’m worried”, “I’m so worried about you that I myself can’t do anything”, “I feel so bad that I cannot be with you now” you… . Understand that your experiences are your tasks, and you probably now have a lot more resources to solve them. Leave the blanket to the one who is really freezing without it now, and get up yourself and dress warmly, you can do this.

- Offer specific help in an unobtrusive way. Questions "How can I help you?" may not work due to the fact that a person really does not know how to help him. It is much more effective to offer something specific: "Do you want me to take your car for a service?" But if your offers of help are repeatedly rejected, do not insist. It is possible that it is important for a person to continue doing what he did before the tragedy, it is important to feel that there is something that has not changed in his life, even if these are just responsibilities.

And what can and should be done? Just to be there, to be for another! Talk about nonsense and the most important thing, keep silent, make tea, cover it with a blanket, walk the dog together and watch movies, be ready to respond to a request to come at any time and be ready for the fact that you will be pushed away, carefully monitor the reaction to your actions and stop in time. In every possible way to report: "I see you!", "I am with you!". This is not easy, it is a great spiritual work. Are you really ready for this? Because if not, you better just bake his / her favorite cake, write a short note, ring the doorbell and leave the cake …

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