5 Stages Of Experiencing Loss

Video: 5 Stages Of Experiencing Loss

Video: 5 Stages Of Experiencing Loss
Video: The Five Stages of Grief and Loss 2024, March
5 Stages Of Experiencing Loss
5 Stages Of Experiencing Loss
Anonim

I slightly change the text of the note, because a sincere desire to share feelings and thoughts about the sad incident that happened yesterday in society was perceived by some as a desire for PR and advertising on someone else's grief. If someone else heard my text in this way, I'm sorry, and, in order to avoid repetition, I delete the part that raised questions, and leave the words of condolences in my heart.

And in the note - closer to the topic of losses and how you can live with them, which was inspired by the conversation by yesterday's event. Losses are one of the most frequent topics with which clients come to consultations, therapy and trainings. The death of loved ones, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, business or health … This is what very often leads to depression, apathy, obsessive thoughts and other not very pleasant consequences … Therefore, I decided to start this conversation - about how you can live and survive your loss in the most healthy way, and still save yourself.

Towards the evening of that day, I learned rather sad news - the missing 4-year-old boy Artyom from our region, whom they had been looking for all this week, was found dead today. I hope the investigation will sort out the essence of the criminal case itself and the guilty will receive what they deserve. To the kid of bright dreams and soft clouds, he is now an Angel, probably … And sincere condolences to his family. All this is very, very sad even for me. I can imagine what it is like for those closest to him now … The loss of a child is perhaps the most terrible loss that can occur in this world …

Meanwhile, losses are one of the most frequent topics with which clients come to me for consultations, therapy and trainings. The death of loved ones, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, business or health … This is what very often leads to depression, apathy, obsessive thoughts and other not very pleasant consequences … And so I wanted to start discussing the next topic, the choice of which was inspired by today's events. About how you can live and survive your loss as healthy as possible, and at the same time save yourself.

On this issue, I am very close to the classification, which consists of 5 stages of experiencing loss. This scheme was originally proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her treatise On Death and Dying. She worked a lot in hospices with dying people and identified 5 stages that, in her opinion, each person should go through after the announcement of a fatal diagnosis in order to survive it and come to terms with this news for real:

1. Denial (the patient does not believe that this happened to him and denies for himself and others the presence of the disease)

2. Anger (at fate, doctors, yourself, loved ones, etc.)

3. Bargaining (but if this or that, then I might not get sick, etc.)

4. Depression (loss of interest in life, pain, apathy, etc.)

5. Acceptance (the realization that life, although it ends, was rich and interesting, and now I can die in peace).

Based on these 5 stages, American psychologist Marilyn Murray has derived similar ones, which she uses in her method. But these are the stages of not only accepting a deadly disease - but living healthy and accepting absolutely any loss or painful event that may happen on our path in life. After all, loss is a process that causes very strong feelings - and, as you remember, if you suppress them, not letting them out, or pour out in an unhealthy way, this can lead to very sad consequences.

Today I will name and very briefly characterize each of the stages (by the way, they are not always chronologically lived in this order), and then, in the coming days, I will tell you in more detail about them and how to help yourself in each of these periods. …

So, by analogy with Elizabeth, Marilyn distinguishes the following stages of recovery and recovery after experiencing loss:

1. Denial - I do not believe that this happened to me, "this is not with me", "this is not in reality."An example of this stage can be found in numerous stories when a person was called in the middle of the night to report the death of his loved one - and he, having hung up, went on to sleep. Inside there is something like a stupor and a clear feeling "this cannot be".

2. Anger - when the denial has passed and we finally realized that the loss or painful event really happened to you - the normal (!) reaction is anger. As a rule, anger is a very socially disapproved feeling, and therefore it is often difficult to admit even to yourself that you are angry - at the person that he left you, at himself or the Lord God, that he allowed this … But this stage, like the rest, is very important, which means it is extremely important to recognize, accept and live it too.

3. Bargaining - the same "if only, if only", when we begin to sort out the options that could be, if this or that detail happened in a different way …

4. Grieving (sadness) … This is where the pain comes in. A sharp, covering wave of pain. Which is important to accept, really burn out, express and live … Which also happens not to be approved by the society at all, because the words of support and consolation that we most often hear are some cliché slogans from the category: “Don't cry!”, “Hold on! ", "Everything will be fine!" and the like. Then we are surprised at the number of deaths from heart disease and oncology - and modern scientific research by well-known scientists have repeatedly proved the relationship between the amount of unlived repressed pain inside (giving rise to more and more stress) - and these diseases. Therefore, at this stage, the recommendation "Do not cry" in a healthy way can be used only as

Oster's "Bad Advice" - to do the opposite … But we'll talk about this in more detail.

5. Acceptance and forgiveness - Often the fourth stage especially scares people by the fact that it seems as if the pain and tears will never end. But this is not the case. In this world, sooner or later, everything comes to an end - and pain with tears is not endless either. Therefore, after some time of being at the stage of mourning, a moment comes when you realize that the pain is no longer acute. As if instead of an open wound there was a crust - and then a scar. The scar, seeing which, you remember where it came from, and remember how it hurt then. You may even now be sad and sad to remember this. But right now, pressing into this place, you no longer feel acute pain, unlike the situation when there is an open wound, often already starting to fester. And you can move on healthy and safe - without trying to endlessly "hide" the wounded place, without trying to avoid any conversations, meetings or surroundings reminiscent of the loss. It is to this result that sooner or later comes the living of losses according to these five stages.

The path of experiencing loss, described here, is certainly very difficult and painful. It's unrealistic to be scared to admit the abyss of your pain and dive in there. But only by going something like this can you really heal after the traumatic event and move on. Loving, remembering, grieving - but at the same time remaining alive. As in many Russian fairy tales - "living" water can save the hero, but it works only when he had previously bathed in the "dead" one.

Life is so arranged - no matter how infinitely sad it is, but sooner or later each of us has to face losses and, living through them, somehow move on. In future posts in this series, I will share a more detailed vision of what can help you go through each of the stages in the most healthy way.

Take care of yourself and your loved ones! Life is very short, and sometimes it can end unexpectedly unrealistically …

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