2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Serdyukov Andrey Vladimirovich, psychologist, gestalt therapist - Voronezh
Calls, grievances, accusations, manipulation of tears and feelings.
After some research and a lot of experimentation, I have compiled "Mom's Dictionary":
- You are my son / I gave birth to you and now you owe me for it to death, you must forgive me everything and always forgive no matter what I did before or now
- I love you and have always loved you (1) / immediately tell me that you love me otherwise I myself will stop believing in my lies, I'm so scared, stop telling the truth
- I love you and have always loved you (2) / I am a good mother and my love is the only value in your life
- No, I'm not offended, you can't take offense at children (1) / I'm damn mad at you, but since it's bad I won't show it, and you can't be mad at me either
- No, I'm not offended, you can't take offense at children (2) / I am a good mother and you are a bad son, since you upset your mother, I will torture you until you apologize
- You do not love / hate me / you just saw me through and said about your feelings, you nasty bastard, it makes me angry so I'll blame you
- We talked so well when you were little (1) / You were stupid and defenseless, it was easy for me to manipulate you, defend you, attack you
- We talked so well when you were little (2) / I find it hard to deal with you now and so I will make you small with my love and kill
- You will always be my child (1) / do not dare to grow up, otherwise I will understand that I am getting old
- You will always be my child (2) / I will never admit that you are an adult and that you should be reckoned with
- You will always be my child (3) / you grew up and in spite of everything, achieved something more than me or have an advantage over me - I hate you
This is not a complete list of what my mother has in her arsenal. She says all this to me all the time. … … and always spoke before too. I just didn't remember or didn't understand. Maybe just in the absence of awareness and clear boundaries it was not possible to see it. One way or another, I got the opportunity to see my mother clearly. What is she, in principle, and in particular in relations with me.
And she turned out to be a very unpleasant person. Not in the sense of an unpleasant person in general - but a very unpleasant person who endured, gave birth and raised a child. And now he continues to be in a relationship with him.
I realized that my mother did not see me. I never saw it. And he probably doesn't want it. And I am a grown-up person figured that of course it is a shame to me, but in principle it is tolerable. But I felt sorry for that little me to tears. Which, too, have not been seen or noticed. And that was a watershed moment in my therapy. Narcissistic armor began to give in, and sadness and pain from impotence and inability to be heard and understood by the closest person became available to me.
I finally began to remember my childhood, which before that consisted of several vivid photographs about joy, happiness and fun. Except for a few of these moments, I have nothing left in my memory, as if nothing had happened. And that's why I was always surprised by people who remembered their childhood quite clearly.
Now I remembered all the tears of my mother, which were intended for others, but every one of them fell to me. I remembered her horror, just an all-consuming fear when I was balancing on the brink - and all this fear went to me:
- Mommy, don't cry, everything will be fine / Mom, I'm scared that I'm dying, and you scare me even more - stop, please, it's unbearable
In general, as it turned out, I experienced a state of fear almost all my childhood - such a latent fear, sticky, obsessive. And since that time I got huge blue eyes, always wide open and looking alert and expectant. In principle, beautiful … but at what cost.
My mother still dreams of the time when I was shorter than her and I could easily be taken in her arms and do anything. She is happy to come up with different stories for herself about how everything was good with her then - before. She flatly refuses to admit that I was not what she thought of, she seemed to know better than me what happened to me then.
And I have no choice but to tell her. … … And I have nothing to say. I just don't call her. And when we meet, I keep silent more and more and try to talk to my father. And sometimes it even works out. He even began to take an interest in my work and my life. And it even happens that he comes into conflict with his wife because of his son. It is certainly nice, but somehow late = (I had a persistent feeling that I had given up some illusions about my parents. This turned out to be a very sad and difficult discovery. Such is the impossibly difficult task. It turns out to be impossible to be heard and seen, because it has not yet been "recognized" by an adult. And it is impossible to "become" an adult, because they do not see and hear.
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