Home Comfort Is Not A Cleaned Floor, But A Head Cleaned Of Convictions

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“Even if you don't cook dinners, I can put up with it. But don't make me want to go home because of your constant displeasure. I want to relax at home, not sort things out."

I heard these words from my husband, in response to reproaches that he did not at all appreciate my efforts in housekeeping. This was at the very beginning of our marriage. Then it seemed to me that within the framework of socially approved views on the behavior of a diligent wife and mother, I honestly fulfill my part of the duties, And then this phrase … Like a tub of ice water was poured over my head. I digested it for a long time, trying to understand the intricacies of words in a pronounced sentence.

Raised in the traditions of a Soviet family, I believed in the myth that a wife is, first of all, a mother and a mistress. The rest of the functions are like tasks of increased complexity in the test: you can do it at will, if time remains. I could say with confidence that I am doing everything right and as it should be for an exemplary wife. I only thought one thing and felt another. Words and deeds can lie, feelings can never. You can deceive others, you cannot hide the truth from yourself.

And the truth was.

I'm bored with doing household chores.

I am a supporter of simple and quick dishes and do not like to spend a lot of time at the stove.

On a walk with my son, I prefer to read a book, and not sculpt with him. I like to sleep long in the morning, ignoring the daily routine.

I do not like to talk about other people's children, their achievements, complementary foods and other similar topics with mothers on the playground.

I want to go to work and would rather hire a nanny than quietly go crazy with repetitive household chores.

I am talking about this openly today. Several years ago, I felt a terrible shame about this and denied my "dislike" for the myth of a good wife and mother. From within, I was torn apart by the conflict between "want" and "must", and an inner critic confidently ruled my mind. It could not end with anything good, except for breakdowns from scratch, lack of energy and a sense of guilt for being a disgusting wife, mother, and in general - I'm a lousy man.

It is difficult to endure, sometimes unbearable. It is tempting to project your feelings onto someone else. “It’s not me who is angry and irritable - it’s you who are angry and inattentive. It is not me who is constantly unhappy, but you are looking for a reason to quarrel. It was because of you that I fell out. If not for your behavior, then everything would be fine with us."

When we become deaf to our own feelings, do not want to accept our dual nature, we hide the unwanted part of our personality in the shadows, we use psychological defenses: projections, denials, shifting responsibility for our condition onto others.

After the phrase that my husband uttered, it became obvious to me that the comfort in the house, to which I was so “manic” aspiring, does not depend on the cleaned floors and the gas stove, but on the head cleaned of “cockroaches”. Many beliefs exist in the context of popular ideas about what is normal and how it should be. In addition to them, in our own parental families, we are fed with myths about how to behave correctly so that the family and society will accept us. “What will people say?” - to become for us almost the most important landmark in life, which must be constantly kept on target.

Feeling our failure and inconsistency with social expectations, we perceive ourselves as those who fall short of acceptable standards and those that require adjustment. Every day there are new versions of what a normal woman, a normal man, a normal relationship should be like. We live in constant tension and anxiety due to efforts to conform to social norms and avoid our own setbacks.

Paired relationships are almost leaders in terms of the number of social standards and lists of expectations for them. And then the process of reconciling the relationship with the existing list begins. The slightest mistake - a feeling of guilt and fear about: "What if I'm a bad wife and mother."

Here are some of the myths that I was "infected" with.

• a loving wife always cares about home comfort;

• a woman is responsible for family relationships;

• a loving mother owes all her free time to the child and his interests;

• husband and wife are loving halves who understand each other without words;

• husbands do not leave good wives.

Social prescriptions coupled with family myths can lead to a situation where, against the background of external well-being, one or both partners may feel increasing tension and dissatisfaction.

Refusing to acknowledge those feelings that threaten the destruction of their own self-image is a direct path to neurotic anxiety.

The way out of this situation will be the decision not to hide shame, not to deny the truth, not to wear social masks of virtue, but to unfold the alarm outward and openly speak about who we really are. This is a big risk, no guarantees and you need to have a lot of courage to decide on such a step.

This leads to the need to face the realization that we are larger and deeper than others' ideas about us. It is important to move away from social prescriptions at a sufficient distance in time to be able to assess them for suitability for life.

If I'm not unambiguously good, then what am I?

What do I decide to do with this new knowledge of myself?

What price am I willing to pay to be myself?

How will I live with this knowledge of myself further?

Where will I look for support and support?

Solving internal issues deprives us of social adaptation, but also frees our shadow energy and gives freedom. Recognizing our own integrity, recognizing those feelings that were previously prohibited, we get the right to be ourselves. And only in this case can we give others the right to be different, not like us.

Relationships are a range of feelings and their shades. They are possible with those who are not like us, who are so different from us that it becomes possible to know ourselves better next to them. As a DNA molecule, they have their own unique structure and have nothing to do with the framework that society sets for them. Squeezing them into the framework of family myths and social attitudes means depriving them of the energy for growth and development. Relationships should be governed by the agreements of the couple themselves, take into account the strengths and weaknesses of the partners, their feelings and interests, their vision of how best both are. And this is only true for them.

Family myths are easy to create and difficult to debunk, especially if we ourselves sacredly believe in them. But as soon as we confront them with reality, it becomes noticeable that none of them add happiness to our lives.

Take a closer look at your relationship.

What social attitudes have been adopted that block the energy in them?

Do these thoughts make you happy and free, or make you feel guilty and frustrated?

Are they developing your relationship or hindering it?

How might they sound to accommodate your feelings?

What will happen to you and your relationship if you leave things as they are?

There is something to think about, right?