Development Of A Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Have you ever, looking at a quarreling couple, said: "Well, how are the little children?" You can’t even imagine how right you were then.

American psychologists Ellen Bader and Peter Pearson, founders of the California Couples Institute and 30-year-old family therapists, argue that each couple goes through several different stages in their development. This is remarkably similar to what a child goes through in his relationship with his mother.

If at two months, at the stage of symbiosis, the child still does not separate himself from his mother, then at five he already recognizes his mother, smiles at her and completely distinguishes her from strangers. At the same time, the child begins to explore his body: he touches his fingers, hands, legs. The knowledge of his physical boundaries becomes for him the first experience of differentiation. Now the child is interested not only in the mother, but prefers to be near her. At the next stage - the stage of learning - the energy is directed to the outside world. The child happily discovers the ability to do something without a mother, is happy when he manages to escape from maternal care. At this stage, autonomy is most valuable to him.

When the child is sufficiently accustomed to the emerging independence, the stage of establishing relations begins. He longs for emotional contact with his mother again, but only when he himself wants it. For a mother, this is a very difficult stage, since it is not always clear when to nurse the child and when to encourage him to be independent. But if this stage was passed successfully, then the child retains both a sense of individuality and the ability to form emotional connections.

IN LOVE, EVERYTHING IS EXACTLY THE SAME

From falling in love to deeper intimacy, relationships go through similar stages of development. Each sets new challenges for the couple and requires new skills. Problems during the transition to the next level are inevitable, but their number directly depends on how successfully the previous stage was passed.

Understanding that the evolution of a relationship in a couple is a natural process, plus knowledge of the laws by which it occurs, can save you a lot of nerves.

1. Symbiosis

At the stage of crazy love, partners get to know each other, they want to spend as much time as possible together. They like to find common interests, things that can be done together. They focus on their similarities and ignore the differences.

This is a period of passion and mutual commitment, lovers take care of each other and do not want to change anything in each other - the situation is almost different, and they do not want to risk it by putting forward any demands.

This is a very important stage - in it the foundation of all further relationships is laid: a strong emotional connection and awareness of oneself as a couple.

Symbiosis lasts an average of six months to two years (although for those who have already been in a relationship, this may happen faster).

2. Differentiation

The partner is removed from the pedestal and subjected to close examination. And it turns out they don't have much in common. Things are found out that one cannot stand - and how could you not have noticed this before? Now partners no longer want to spend so much time together, everyone is thinking about increasing their own space. This is a completely natural phase of a relationship, and many feel guilty about moving away from their loved one. They ask themselves what is wrong with them and where did what happened.

It hasn't gone anywhere. It is the confidence that they have taken place as a couple that gives partners the courage to start rebuilding their boundaries. Can we admit that we are different? Will our relationship withstand the aspirations of two different personalities?

During symbiosis, both partners wanted about the same thing and understood each other perfectly, and therefore there were no particular questions. At the next stage, many questions arise: “What do I want? How do I make my partner understand what exactly I am missing? How do you know what your partner wants? What if we want different things?"

There is a conflict of interest, and it is not hidden. But thanks to the experience of successful symbiosis, it is possible to build relationships, not break them off. The two stop "reading each other's thoughts" and learn to solve problems without manipulating each other.

3. Training

If at the stage of differentiation the energy was still directed towards relationships, then at the stage of learning the partners transfer it to the achievement of their own goals. They stop being locked in relationships with each other and try to prove themselves in the world around them. Everyone acts in their own way, not paying attention to the desires of their half. There is almost no emotional contact.

How partners get through this stage directly depends on their success in the previous one. If learning was not preceded by successful symbiosis and differentiation, then everyone perceives a partner as a person who is trying to suppress his independence, and as a potential hindrance to individual achievements. If the previous stages were successful, then the partners experience tenderness and affection for each other, and they have a set of techniques for conflict-free problem solving. Then everyone can show respect for the fact that the partner wants to be an independent person and support him in this.

Children's experience is very important here. If a person received support from parents at this stage of growing up, then it is easier for him to show his own unique qualities without entering into conflict. If not, then he may be too aggressive in defending his own independence.

It is important to remember that learning is a normal stage in a couple's development, and friction is not at all a sign that people are not meant to be together. At this time, relationships are only a means of mutual support, partners try to protect themselves from excessive intimacy so as not to lose their own individuality. But gradually the understanding comes that their independence from each other is not so fragile and does not require constant protection. And the growing self-esteem due to personal achievements again allows partners to devote more energy to the marital relationship.

4. Establishing relationships

Now none of the partners doubts that he is a completely independent person and can compromise in order to preserve the relationship. Both want to feel approved by their partner and experience greater intimacy. They want tenderness in relationships, the opportunity to be closer to each other, but at the same time remain independent. Vulnerability reappears, a thirst for comfort and support, but there is no longer that fear of being swallowed up by symbiosis. The balance between "I" and "we" becomes stronger. They no longer try to change each other, and differences are no longer barriers, but a field for mutual enrichment. Now the main thing is to re-learn to give something to each other. In this segment, a strong bond arises, based on the desire to be together, and not on the need or fear of breaking up. A connection that suits both.

But this is the most ideal option. The real difficulties arise when a couple gets stuck for a long time at some stage or when partners pass them at different speeds. In theory, there could be many such combinations, but experience shows that there are only a few consistently problematic options.

STUFFED IN SYMBIOSIS

People who felt unnecessary in childhood subconsciously want to receive from their partner all the warmth, love and comfort that their parents did not give them. Therefore, they tend to stick in symbiosis. When a couple does not reach the stage of differentiation for a very long time, then the story can develop in one of two directions - merged or hostile dependence.

Symbiotic-fused couples do not yet know how to overcome differences, and therefore they very cleverly hide them, and it seems that it is impossible to imagine more suitable people for each other. They have common friends, common interests and goals, they go everywhere together and do everything together. They never quarrel, because they are afraid that any disagreement can instantly destroy everything. And the main goal of such a couple is to preserve the relationship at any cost. Typically, the price is the loss of individuality. The two "I" completely merge into "we", the attention of each is focused on the partner, because it depends on him whether the other will be happy. Everyone tries to keep a partner near him, to read his thoughts, to be the only one in the world for him … They do not talk about their desires, fearing that the partner may not like them. And both live in constant fear of being abandoned.

Hostile dependent a couple may seem like the exact opposite of the previous one. But, in fact, he is captive to the same idea: a partner is the only person who can give me happiness … but for some reason does not want to. Hence the constant quarrels, grief and reproaches. Everyone is absolutely sure that they will feel better if their partner changes, they are constantly offended that “you don’t do what I want,” and angry with the need to talk about desires: “If you loved me, you would know what I am want.

Everyone in such a pair considers their needs to be the most important and is ready to step over the partner's discomfort. Even the most constructive criticism is perceived with hostility, and small contradictions are perceived as global attacks. Both quickly slide into childhood, start yelling, smashing dishes and slamming doors. None of them thinks about how his behavior affects the partner, but expects the other to automatically fulfill all his desires. And he gets angry if he does not fulfill them. After all, it is the partner who is responsible for what I feel, why is he with me like that!

Everyone in such a pair can be sure that the partner is obliged to take care of him, but at the same time feel that he is not worthy of such care. Therefore, they rely on it, demand and … refuse when they are offered. In every kind word, a trick or manipulation is seen, and when one expresses his feeling, the second takes it for an accusation and the conflict flares up.

In addition to the fear of being abandoned, there is also a fear of absorption in this pair, and therefore constant quarrels are used to maintain distance. But the dependence on this only increases.

FIRST AND LAGGER

When one has passed the stage of symbiosis, and the second has not, trouble is inevitable.

IN symbiotic-differentiating For a couple, one of the partners has already taken the next step, and the second is not yet ready for it. In this situation, the symbiotic partner perceives the desire for freedom as criticism and a threat to the relationship. Therefore, he is trying to return the situation to its usual course by means of manipulations: "Yes, as it turned out, there are differences between us, but if you eliminate them, then everything will be fine again." The increase in personal space by one of the partners is perceived by the other as the first steps towards a break in relations. And this negative expectation further increases his dependence on a partner. The problem here is that one does not want to put pressure on the desire for growth in order to maintain a relationship, and the other cannot understand this desire in a partner.

Sometimes the situation arises symbiotic-learning couples in which one of the partners - usually a man - comes out of symbiosis immediately into the learning stage. On the one hand, because men are often afraid of the emotionality of the second stage and try to avoid it. On the other hand, very often the situation itself pushes to do this. For example, when the husband has an interesting job in which he can look for himself, and the wife is raising a child.

Since there was no differentiation and the spouses do not really know how to solve family problems, one transfers all the energy outside, and the other feels betrayed and abandoned. The learning partner is becoming more and more independent, and the relationship, which previously gave pleasure to both of them, now perceives as unbearably demanding. Attempts to maintain closeness are violently rejected for fear of falling back into symbiosis and losing the individualization that has just begun.

At the same time, very often the learning partner is not too interested in the development of the other. After all, he has a huge advantage: he can use the opened freedom, but at the same time feel security and support from a symbiotic partner.

When, at the training stage, one of the partners already feels that he has achieved his goals, and the second is still actively exploring the world, a couple appears learning - building relationships.

It will be difficult for an accomplished partner to maintain his half, while he himself already wants more intimacy. The second one is afraid that he will have to sacrifice personal values and development and remain only the spouse of such and such. If this partner has recently entered the learning stage, then he may regard the attempt to get closer again as an encroachment on his freedom.

Now you know what to fear, the main thing is to remember: there are no such problems that true love and a drop of common sense could not cope with.