UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

While still a student at Stanford, I joined the small group of doctors and psychologists participating in the master class of Karl Rogers, a pioneer of humanistic psychotherapy. I was young and terribly proud of my knowledge of medicine, the fact that I was consulted and my colleagues listened to my opinion. Rogers' approach to therapy, which is called unconditional acceptance, seemed to me then worthy of only contempt - it looked like a lowering of standards. At the same time, there were rumors that the results of his therapy sessions were almost miraculous

Rogers had a deeply developed intuition. When he told us about his work with clients, he paused to accurately articulate the message that he wanted to convey to us. And it was absolutely natural and organic. This communication style was fundamentally different from the authoritarian style that I was used to as a medical student and working in a hospital. Is it possible that a person who seems so insecure is really able to do something and be a specialist in something? I had very big doubts about this. As far as I was able to understand at that time, the essence of the unconditional acceptance method was that Rogers sat and simply accepted whatever the client said - without making judgments, without interpreting. It was not clear to me how such, in principle, could have even the slightest benefit.

At the end of the session, Rogers offered to demonstrate how his approach works. One of the doctors volunteered to act as a client. The chairs were positioned so that they both sat opposite each other. Before starting the session, Rogers paused and surveyed us, the assembled doctors in the audience, and myself, with a wistful gaze. In that brief, silent moment, I fidgeted impatiently. Then Rogers began to speak:

“Before each session, I pause for a short moment to remember that I, too, am a human being. There is nothing that can happen to a person, which I, being also a person, cannot share with him; there is no fear that I cannot understand; there is no suffering to which I can remain insensitive - this is inherent in my human nature. No matter how deep the trauma of this person is, there is no need to be ashamed in front of me. I am also defenseless in the face of injury. And so I am enough. Whatever this person has experienced, he does not have to be alone with it. And this is where healing begins. " [Rachel Naomi Remen separates the concepts of "heal" and "heal"]

The session that followed was mind-bogglingly deep. Rogers did not utter a single word during the entire session. Rogers communicated his complete acceptance of the client as he was only through the quality of his attention. The client (doctor) started talking and very quickly the session turned into a presentation of the method as it is. In the protective atmosphere of full acceptance of Rogers, the doctor began to take off his masks one by one. At first hesitantly, and then everything is easier and easier. When the mask was thrown away, Rogers received and welcomed the one who was hiding under it - certainly without interpretation - until the last mask finally fell and this doctor appeared before us as he was - in all the beauty of his true and unprotected nature.

I doubt that he has ever encountered himself the way he has ever seen himself this way. By that time, all the masks had also slipped off many of us, and some of us had tears in their eyes. At that moment, I was jealous of this client doctor; how annoying I was that I did not volunteer for this session, that I missed the chance - the chance so, so totally to be seen and accepted by others. Apart from a few episodes of communication with my grandfather, in my experience this was the first meeting with such an acceptance in my entire life.

I have always worked hard to be good enough - this was my gold standard by which I determined what books to read, what clothes to wear, how to spend my free time, where to live, what to say. Although, even "good enough" was not enough for me. I've spent my whole life trying to be perfect. But if Rogers' words were true, then perfection is a dummy. All it really took was just being human. And I’m a man. And all my life I was afraid that someone would discover it.

In fact, what Rogers emphasized is wisdom, the most basic level of healing relationships. As brilliant as we are, the greatest gift we can give to a sufferer is our integrity. Hearing is perhaps the oldest and most powerful healing tool. Often it is the quality of our attention, rather than our words of wisdom, that drives the deepest changes in the people around us. By listening, together with our undivided attention, we open up the opportunity for another to find integrity. What was rejected, depreciated, was rejected by the person himself and his environment. What was hidden.

In our culture, soul and heart often become "homeless". Hearing creates silence. When we listen generously to another, he too can hear the truth that is in him. Sometimes a person hears it for the first time in his life. During silent listening, we can find / recognize ourselves in another. Gradually, we can learn to hear anyone and even a little more - we can learn to hear the invisible, directed at ourselves and at us."

Rachel Naomi Remen "Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal"